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Dark Poetry #4
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tripping
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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tripping |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
I won't look up, to admire the soles of your feet, any longer. I will twist your arms around, hear your plastic bones snap out of place.( break the artifical you) Pin you up on this hard air, and bleed all over your face. Have you taste how dense and strong it has become. From enduring, your twisting whims. I am the only one who still believes in you, on your candy tripping path. Run your fingers up the gun. (seduce death) Steal my mind, my thought waves convulse, stutter, still on you. and the memory of your ruby blue eyes. The way you look to me now, leaves me blind. I watch you waunder into fields with clock faces. (you hear no ticking) You click your tongue on the back of your teeth, searching for a memory this pill has made misty. You have long been slipping from my grasp. When you roll out your moments in glory, you see all the dark colors. and find your cheap enlightenment, in the mud, the kind that must have fallen off a traveling fortune tellers bus. ( original thoughts, forsake you.) |
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| © Copyright 2004 Alexis Smith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
You must have posted this really recently because this is the first reply. I loved it, just like all of your other poems, it just means so much. The bracketed sentences added, like an echo to the main sentences. It worked well. "Original thoughts, forsake you." Hollow. "Run your fingers up the gun (seduce death)..." "Why are my visions so unliving with dreams? And why do I no longer care?" - Stygian |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
hey lexy this is a good write, but i think it would be more effective if you out the words in prens in a space btween a paragraph...like this instead of... From enduring, your twisting whims. I am the only one who still believes in you, on your candy tripping path. Run your fingers up the gun. (seduce death) Steal my mind, my thought waves convulse, stutter, still on you. and the memory of your ruby blue eyes. try this... From enduring, your twisting whims. I am the only one who still believes in you, on your candy tripping path. Run your fingers up the gun. (seduce death) Steal my mind, my thought waves convulse, stutter, still on you. and the memory of your ruby blue eyes. maybe play wiht it a little, maybe no prens, but i kind of like them, just a suggestion Pimpin and panderin, on a level you can't serve, dismantle, nouns, pronouns, adverbs, and verbs |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
Beautiful imagery and outstanding wit here Lexy. poe If nothing is something |
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~K~ Member
since 2004-07-27
Posts 148 |
Oh My God. Or Gods Or Goddesses... This is impressive, truly. |
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The Jackal Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 426Springfield, Massachusetts U.S.A |
very imaginative, you expressed yourself well, i like poems that bite back and this one does.. New lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire |
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spritrider87 Member
since 2003-05-31
Posts 294NH |
really good. loved the read. keep it up. As I look at this world and realize that I am the only one to have seen the end of all Good I let the tears out that and ask the world to see them. |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
Sounds like a semi-suicidal drug trip, but it did give a me a fresh new idea for a poem of my own. -GIS No turning back, this time, no walking away -Kutless |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
WAHOO...you got it right on the money. |
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