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Dark Poetry #4
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notice anything?
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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notice anything? |
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silhouetted Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537New Zealand 
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notice the way i crawl into your sunny day make it cloudy and blow your hopes away? notice when you talk i dont listen well i block you out and push your words away? notice while you move im as still as night waiting for the right moment to steal your mind away? notice when you run i never follow stand right here and watch you run away? notice while you smile im a solid frown i stare deep into you and throw your love away? do you notice when I talk you don't listen well? do you notice when I move your still as night? do you notice when i run? i'm left to run alone? do you notice when i smile? you dont even look? And do you notice when you crawl into my sunniest day and make it cloudy and blow my hopes away? "It would make those who listen to it doze into a land of rivers, kund fu and unicorns, eventually making the listener pee in his/her pants - Brandon Boyd |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
I loved it, as usual. It had good rhythm and I understood everything...weirdly enough, I found it sort of peaceful, like it was a slow song or something, sad...but strangely peaceful. Making any sense? Courts, Hollow. "Why are my visions so unliving with dreams? And why do I no longer care?" - Stygian |
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
I like how you took something from the beginning of the poem and recycled it in the last line. You managed to keep the repetition of ending lines with "away?" fresh and unforced. Good write, thanks for sharing. |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
I just wanted to rereply, cuz I reread your poem and reloved it again. Yeah, so...It's great... :S Luv, Courts, Hollow "Why are my visions so unliving with dreams? And why do I no longer care?" - Stygian |
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Ethan Halo Senior Member
since 2000-04-28
Posts 793on the roof again |
reminds me of my parents. this is well done. good, good work. We are all luminous beings, not merely crude creatures of matter. |
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Sweetest Sorrow X Member
since 2004-01-19
Posts 146From a cradle to a casket |
This poem was so amazing i just keep rereading it over and over. I love this soooo much...Thanks for the great Read. <3 Persephone The plaster dented from you fist..In the hall where you had your first kiss..Reminds you that the memorys wont fade |
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