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peaceful_dreamer
Member

since 2003-04-25

Posts 159
SoMeWhErE oVeR tHe RaInBoW

0 posted 2004-07-07 01:24 AM

Why is it that what I used to dream of, I no longer want?
Red burning fire engulfs my senses,
and I'm ceasing to believe,
that it meant everything to me.

Trust is my flower - its blooming too late.
I'm alone in my emotional state.
I'm stuck in the fire, waiting for rain,
it washes away my days of pain.

The day is young, will it hold my secret?
Blue sky chokes my dreams,
and I'm wanting to believe
that it meant nothing to me.

My mind gives me wings, yet
I crash and burn
to a new world of hurt being churned.
I try to swim, but I sink,
because my ocean is far too deep.

Will I live after I'm gone?
The wind blows me away
and I'm willing to believe
that it meant nothing to me.

I'm outnumbered, I'm out of place,
anger clouds my mind, deforms my face.
I've lost my civil war, yet I can't give up,
can't listen to myself, my mind blew up.

This day is done. Is it raining yet?
I am washed away, and
I fear to believe
that it meant everything to me.

"I'm just me, trapped in a body."

-peaceful_dreamer

~K~
Member

since 2004-07-27

Posts 148

1 posted 2004-07-27 03:35 AM

I really like this part:

I'm outnumbered, I'm out of place,
anger clouds my mind, deforms my face.
I've lost my civil war, yet I can't give up

I think you could find a better line to follow though. my mind blew up just isn't doing it for me. Other than I thought it was a good read.

LucidityNow
Member

since 2001-02-06

Posts 118
Canada

2 posted 2004-07-27 04:48 AM

wow great poem. although i agree with -K- on the 'mind blew up' line. It didnt work for me either, but it didn't take away from the effect the poem had on me. good work.

and i'm certain that if i drive into those trees, it would make less of a mess, than she's made of me...

peaceful_dreamer
Member

since 2003-04-25

Posts 159
SoMeWhErE oVeR tHe RaInBoW

3 posted 2004-07-28 07:34 PM

I know what you mean about that one line. This is all I could come up with:

I've lost my civil war, yet I can't give in
Must keep fighting this dreadful sin.

or -

I've lost my civil war, yet I can't give up,
even though I don't have any backup.

or -

I've lost my civil war yet I can't give in,
Can't listen to the demons held within.

I like the third one the best, but what do you guys think?

-Peaceful

"I'm just me, trapped in a body."

-peaceful_dreamer

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

4 posted 2004-08-06 03:18 PM

ok, a few things I liked, a few things I didn't.
The whole rain, pain fire metaphor thing was cliche, and old.

but I loved this line:
"I fear to believe
that it meant everything to me."
and other lines such as.

up and up, don't rhyme.
don't feel so constricted to that either.
I liked the third one, best.
but I think you could have conveyed things better, without the rhyme, just because its obvious its forced.

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