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Dark Poetry #4
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| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
I can’t believe the fierceness in you, Creeping behind my back To do more torture, You lost my trust. Only to boost your ego and your insolence, Rubbing salt in my burning wounds, The scarring much too obvious, To show how you couldn't give it a second thought. When I offered you my heart, To keep it safe, So it doesn’t break, You purposely dropped it. Onto the harsh cold floor, And stepped in it, Like nothing more than nothing, I’m a torn out page. Ignored, Filled with rage, I scar easily, I’m erased. However long the night, the dawn will break. [This message has been edited by Hollow_Emptiness (03-04-2004 11:03 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Courtney - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gpc Junior Member
since 2003-03-01
Posts 43 |
An interesting poem although I felt it had a few flaws. Some of the punctuation is in a strange place - is it really necessary to have a full stop at the end of every line? It does rather ruin the flow in some places. For example: I gave you my heart. To keep it safe. So it doesn’t break. Would flow better as: I gave you my heart, To keep it safe; So it doesn’t break. I don't really like the line 'so it broke anyway' because it seems to be rather matter of fact and a pretty boring thing to say - he broke your heart and all you can say is 'but it broke anyway'? Still, I enjoyed it. |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
hey Hollow, this is sad, i liked it... but i also agree somewhat with gpc, it probably does need a little bit of work, but then again, you can change it however you want, so don't do anything unless you agree that it adds to the write, because it IS your poem and no-one can write it for you. my suggestion is to write more about this and try to elaborate on the feeling...describe as much as you can about an experience like this. if you want it to be blunt, that's fine too. say for a moment that it is a narriative to a scene/story in a movie. i think it would be sooo powerful like that because sometimes emotions only enable us to say a few words. but anyway...thats my thought. keep writing! experience always helps. =) - River sleep my precious slumber |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
Thank you for your suggestions and helpful guidance (River and Gpc) i think i've made it a little better....i'm not sure. I'm only here to improve. However long the night, the dawn will break. |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
your welcome, wow, that is much better, i like it a lot =) good job! - River sleep my precious slumber |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
Thanks River. I do feel that i did make it a bit better, before i edited it, i felt that it wasn't as descriptive as i had wanted it to be. -Hollow However long the night, the dawn will break. |
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