»
Archives
»
Dark Poetry #4
»
103
| Dark Poetry #4 |
|
103 |
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
slide show - images slide across the black wall of sleep that lies behind my eyes desert sands and pyramids I climb one never built a red stone compass for the other world light mist on dark waters realms beyond restraint mad woman with a butcher knife chasing beggars around the empty tables of my childhood musical chairs and nursery rhymes the man behind a chain link fence hacking blossoms that budded in pink on the other side zeros and ones zeros and ones digital reflections in the deep well of sleep diving bell a thinning stream of oxygen the lost come back coded encrypted a lion roaring outside my door a green eyed panther stalking on softest paws through autumn rushes that grow by the brook where fox drinks the moon’s reflection and stars and stars and zeros and ones zeros and ones taunt with pleasing images snow fall on a black velvet evening a phosphorescent sea calla lilies and orchids a rook against a white night sky beckoning the window opens the screen begins to rise a phantom of the opera voice sings Step out and fly on the wings of night |
||
| © Copyright 2008 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
makes me think of Salvador Dali really enjoyed this.  |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
191 words 26 images (give or take) A master class in poetic creativity. Watch, learn and emulate ye poets of the Dark. ...... This bonanza of beautiful writing is becoming "Jenn's daily Gem". Good work again |
||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear J.M., A pleasure to see you writing again; a real pleasure. You need to think about where the poem starts. Here you do a fair amount of writing-up-to. This is part of your current process, while you're casting about for what the poem is you want to write; while you're trying to get traction. If you put the poem aside for a few days after the initial heat, sometimes when you read it out loud to yourself, the actual beginning will jump out at you. In my case, the poem began here: mad woman with a butcher knife chasing beggars around the empty tables So far so good. Now you want to slip in the business about your childhood. Yeah, I know it probably true. It also pushes both you and your reader away from the pretty stark and scary experience you've just dropped them into. You're saying, "Whoops, sorry, didn't me to be so authentic, so powerful, so real, so myself. Pardon me while I pretend to be a little bit mousey. I'm not really as strong as I was pretending to be there; it was an accident." Bull, it was an accident. Don't take back your power. Cut the business "of my childhood." This is happening NOW. of my childhood I've left it in above to remind you that it was there. Take it out, for heaven's sake. musical chairs and nursery rhymes the man behind a chain link fence hacking blossoms that budded in pink on the other side behind the chain link fence a man hacks buds that might have blossomed on the other side "the" chain link fence actually seems to create and place the thing in the picture of the poem. "a" chain link fence might be anywhere. Such things will vary from time to time. Almost always, you'll want to come down on the article that will bring the noun into the picture in a visual and immediate way. "a" man could be improved on. It depends on what use you want him to serve in the poem. My use of "might have" could be improved upon. I didn't want to insert details in your image that you didn't want there. I didn't make a commitment for you. You'll need to chose, should you wish to. This business about the zeros and ones seems to me to be getting away from the impactful part of the poem. The actual energy of the poem picks up for me here: the lost come back encrypted a lion roaring outside my door a green eyed panther stalking on softest paws through autumn rushes that grow by the brook where fox drinks the moon’s reflection calla lilies and orchids a rook against a white night sky So this is pretty much the draft as I see it, cut down to its basics. No doubt you have quarrels about the suggestions I've made here, as well you should. You should feel free to throw out any of the idiotic butchery I've foisted upon you in the name of feedback. If you'd like to talk about any of the suggestions, I'd love to. I'd probably see it differently tomorrow anyway. mad woman with a butcher knife chasing beggars around the empty tables behind the chain link fence a man hacks buds that might have blossomed on the other side the lost come back encrypted a lion roaring outside my door a green eyed panther stalking on softest paws through autumn rushes that grow by the brook where fox drinks the moon’s reflection calla lilies and orchids a rook against a white night sky Keep on writing, J.M. You're an extraordinarily talented writer and deserve all the encouragement you get, and much more. Best from LA, Bob Kaven |
||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Jennifer: Lovely piece, imagery wise. I don't know if it was just the progressive trance I was listening to, but this poem really produces good vibes in me . I'm not sure about the reference to Phantom of the Opera at the end. Maybe it's just me, but pop cultural references in poems tend to spoil the mood a bit. In any case, I'm adding this to my library. PS: About Lovecraft, I'd never heard of "Annotated." Looked it up on Amazon.com and found S.T. Joshi's Annotated Lovecraft books. I think I might need to get my hands on that. Life's short. Think hard! |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks so much for the in depth critique, Bob. Yep, can’t seem to get past the set it up routine, though I do try. As usual, you’ve spotted the nuts and bolts of the piece and pointed me in the right direction. I really do appreciate it. Interestingly enough, Kevin picked up on the force that drives the words - the phantom, black gloves and all. Thanks Moonbeam and SEA. Kevin, the First Annotated is a great starting point for those like me who’ve never read Lovecraft. Gives a lot of background info. Really very interesting but probably old news to you. Thanks for your very kind comment, means a lot to me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ej1zMxbhOO0 |
||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I should actually come clean and tell you that I've used the Phantom of the Opera as inspiration for some of my older stuff, lol. |
||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Actually, I should probably also say that it's a bad idea to come clean about what your inspirations are (in my experience anyway). I was in a poetry class once. I wrote this sonnet that seemed to impress everyone. Then I told them that I wrote it while listening to Pink's song about divorce and apparently that caused most of the people to view the poem less favourably (or at least they complained about the song, which I honestly quite like). Life's short. Think hard! |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Music inspires me a lot, too, anything from classical to heavy metal. There's a poetry class that meets locally near where I live. I've been trying to muster up the courage to go. Guess I'm kind of afraid I'll get the blank stare and lots of dead silence on my work. And then, of course, the sky would fall an chicken little would go back to her garret and quietly turn to dust. |
||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Mine was in university, so lots of very high intellectual types. It was a small class, but still I can guarantee most of the people there knew a heck of a lot more about writing than I did. Life's short. Think hard! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
