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Dark Poetry #4
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Persephone
New Member
since 2008-10-30
Posts 8
Ireland

0 posted 2008-10-30 09:45 PM




If I am truly your angel, Then this hell of yours must be a Heaven. Bought in a back room of social realities that we accept with ease. Meaningfulness that we conjure from nothing special.
Silence has an army of forms, this one having a thousand faces, each bent to one another determined and confident in creating noiseless noise. My head hurts. Hurts from hearing everything and not listening to anything. I know so very very little. Lost in my dream, drowning in the hope you (all). But all the stars I deem fall on top of me. Thricely robbed by the prick of a single (false) fallen star. Risen in me, risen to me. And all for nothing but to see the (deary) memories of the future and the hindsight in the present. More stabbing and tearing, why deny? Desperation, condemnation, the continuation of my hearts menstruation. Deep, hard, soft, whisper. Your greed, my need, and our laughter (Suffer, SUFFER).
But above all - The phantoms familiar siren. Whispers then silence. Whispers and silence. And then just silence.


If I put my foot down, it will land in your content slumber. Aware without care is all you are. I know without and you and this, I have everything - I've just not got the hands to hold them to me.(I'll fail).
So here and now, Saliva, drunk with blank thought, is simply falling to your side...


Am I this taken??

With utter loathing and scorn,
I was somehow born.
Strewn in black decay,
None shall I obey.
The wreckage of my flesh,
The nakedness, of my death

© Copyright 2008 D.O-A.F. - All Rights Reserved
Ethan Halo
Senior Member
since 2000-04-28
Posts 793
on the roof again
1 posted 2008-11-19 05:58 AM


on the constructive side, you may want to play with line breaks. i felt like some of the thoughts ran together and didn't know where you were trying to emphasize...

on the content side... wow.
if i were in this heaven/hell, an army of silence would be frightening, but strangely welcome.

i'm not sure if i got it right, but what i took from it is that despite all the chaos and shortcomings, you fall right by this person's side.

and don't we all, despite the insanity and the humanity?

an intriguing first post. i'm looking forward to seeing you grow here at PIP.

The soul is oftentimes a battlefield where reason and judgement wage war on passion and appetite.

AAB
Member
since 2008-04-10
Posts 99
Canada
2 posted 2008-11-19 11:42 PM


line breaks could bring this poem fom really good to really amazing. Every poem is ment to be heard i think not read. so the trick is to make others hear what you heard.. if that makes sense.  Your imigry and feel is really somthing. over all im glad i read it

"Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while" The Princess Bride

Mystress May
Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 296
Taunton, MA
3 posted 2008-11-20 11:12 AM


Amazing use of language, doll....

But I do agree, breaking it down would definitely help the reader. I had a poem I had posted in this format and was told the same thing. I revised it and was amazed at the difference I had seen without changing a single word.

Well written, doll!

Our scars are the foundation for what we have become

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