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dream 2
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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dream 2 |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
the rooks have returned through the black hole of sleep carrying the torturer’s rack the souls of the dead beneath their wing one takes your shape man in black leather gloves and long russian overcoat he’s spotted the tower the spinning wheel and the straw womb where I lay curled in sleep he threads his fingers through the gold of my hair and offers the queen two copper pennies and an emberless hearth for the silk of my virginity she rags over my lips blue mother’s milk the thin potion of forgetfulness that gags and suffocates but nothing can still the wings of a blackbird their down is the pillow of nightmares where I rest my head in unguarded sleep. Inspired by Alexei K. Savrasov’s “The Rooks Have Returned” http://www.theartwolf.com/paintings/images/Alexei-Savrasov-Rooks-Back.jpg |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Wonderful JM, Thank you. This fan is highly appreciative. I have some thoughts and suggestions perhaps to detach this fine piece from the matrix it came from. It is a dream poem, of course; but dreams may be dialogued with, if it's done respectfully, and both the dream and the dreamer will grow wiser for the respectfulness of the effort. I believe the first line here may have offered you a title: The Rooks Have Returned In my reading, these next four lines are more of a prose explanation for the material of the actual poem, which follows. I feel a flattening of energy in them, or at any rate, a shift of subject matter to explain what happens afterward. I question your need for them. [through the black hole of sleep carrying the torturer’s rack the souls of the dead beneath their wing] one takes your shape man in black leather gloves and long russian overcoat he’s spotted the tower the spinning wheel and the straw womb where I lay curled in sleep [my reading of this stanza is a bit different than yours. I like the first two lines the way they are, the third and fourth lines, still as part of the same stanza I'd try as the straw womb where I lay asleep "[C]urled" is overused idiom. You might want to replace it with another word or even another sort of thought. "Sleeping" may be the right thought here or is it a fairy-tale shorthand for something coded, that only a poet might find another good phrase or word for that would allow the state a fresh new currency. Maybe curled in sleep is fine.] he threads his fingers through the gold of my hair and offers the queen two copper pennies and an emberless hearth for the silk of my virginity [he feathers his fingers through my gold hair an emberless hearth two copper pennies he offers the queen all for the silk of my virginity] [she wipes over my lips that thin potion of suffocation blue mother’s milk portion of forgetfulness] [nothing can still the wings of the blackbirds their down is the pillow of nightmares where I rest my head.] Now let me see if I can bring together the various pieces that I was tinkering with into a coherent text of suggestion. I'm doing this not to give you an alternative text, though you're welcome to it, but to give you some notion of my own style of revision on a text such as the text you present, a sort of single sort-of-coherent view of a single text. It's as much for you to react against as anything else, so you can find your own methods. The Rooks Have Returned one takes your shape man in black leather gloves and long russian overcoat he’s spotted the tower the spinning wheel the straw womb where I lay asleep he feathers his fingers through my gold hair an emberless hearth two copper pennies he offers the queen all for the silk of my virginity over my lips she wipes that thin potion of suffocation blue mother’s milk portion of forgetfulness nothing can still the wings of the blackbirds their down is the pillow of nightmares where I rest my head. As you can see, I made an addition change between my first revision and this rewrite, when I had a chance to see how it all looked together. It's a good poem, JM, revise a version you like and send it out with some of the others. Keep 'em moving. I'm revising some of the stuff I was talking about with you. Best, Bob Kaven Another thought on looking back at this: What would happen if you took out "where I rest my head."? Is this an improvement or not? [This message has been edited by Bob K (09-10-2008 08:37 PM).] |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
A rooking girl has stole me for her side Very nice poem Jen, keep writing and I’ll keep reading. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Do you speak Dylan in your sleep, Grinch?  Thanks so much for reading. Bob, gonna start calling you the miracle worker. Geez, you really turned that first draft sow's ear into something quite marvelous in just two quick revisions. Thank you! Yep s1 is a dud, should have spotted that myself. Well, actually, I knew the soul's part stunk, but cutting too much right off scares me. Feathers instead of threads is brilliant! Not sure I'm totally comfortable with the inversion on s4, but's it's growing on me. Maybe the language needs a punch or something? Really, what you've done is wonderful. Thank you so much! |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
That might work, Bob, taking out the where line. I was shooting for something about being unguarded in sleep as opposed to being on the defensive in wakefulness. Guess that's kind of obvious though, isn't it?. Hmmm, will have to think about that. |
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