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dr. dictionary word of the day
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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dr. dictionary word of the day |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
aberration geese in the strawberry fields flat footed rockettes in black tie and tails welly clad honking mud stompers all packed up and ready to fly from their short term lease north of toronto to a pink condo in the keys ay flamenco! raid the lost ark of shortcake and pie bernie, the right wingman of the flock, sneaks off for a brew and a shot mazel toff’s the stoned monarch barfly angelina a quiver of orange and mascara weeping lime scented tears in her tequila as esta tristeza mía plays on the neon lit jukebox hooking up in a cross species connection bernie takes angie back to his flock but before he can introduce his sweet chiquita angelina succumbs from field pesticides verklempt ~~~~ discuss in a clearlessly clear blue sky the flock in missing man formation wings silently on toward key largo bernie faithful to his angelina in strawberry fields forever |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
God this is suuuch fun. What are you ON?! I want some. I might be inclined to drop the final strophe and end with "discuss" (if discuss was part of the poem! I like it as part of the poem, it just tops off the quirkiness with mega-quirk) I'll never be able to write like that, and I'm so jealous. Gotta work. Maybe back later. Keep drinking whatever it is you are drinking. "clearlessly" ~shaking head~ |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
The poem I really wanted to write about the geese in the strawberry fields by the beach, fizzled out before the end of the second line. Inspired by a big bowl of Cocoa Puffs, this was my revenge on a reluctant muse. You’re right, Moonbeam, should have ended with verklempt ~~~~~ discuss, but I just HAD to get in clearlessly clear blue.  |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear JM, Yo! This is one very fine piece of writing. I can see the ink running out the corners of your mouth; you been drinking Parkers Hi Life and you've got that telling twinkle in your eyes. Whoo Mama! I think this one is almost done. "Toff" is usually spelled "tov." "geese in the strawberry fields" I think moves too quickly and directly to The Beatles. You do well with the foreshadowing, but the way it's set up here. one feels to too much emphasis on the home for unwed mothers whose name I think The Beatles were twitting and not enough shift to the actual geese in the actual fields of Strawberries where I think you're starting out. I may be wrong again. You might think about having the "geese "gobble" in the strawberry fields" as a way of shifting emphasis slightly. Or not. My Lord! the rest of that stanza is a joy! "bernie," being a proper noun, might work better were it capitalized. This is however your own ongoing stylistic praxis, and you need to work it out whichever way feels most your own. He might want to glide or slide or slip, being avian, rather than sneak. I found sneak something of a mildly sore thumb, but I can't tell you any of the others would be better. It's possible. . . When you're dealing with something of this quality overall, though, I can raise the possibility but not push it unless I feel more strongly. The next few lines show how punctuation can help clarify. There are possible work-arounds with spacing and lineation. Let's look: In this first line, we have a pretty clear idea of what bernie's doing; he's sneak[ing] off for a brew and a shot and you've got those nice "o" vowel sounds and "a" vowel sounds having fun while its all happening. I'm severely tickled. The next line offers us some difficulty in terms of the actual prose sense; since you're a bit shy with punctuation, and since you don't dependably capitalize proper nouns, "mazel toff's the stoned monarch butterfly angelina" leaves us with an unacceptably large range of readings for us to continue the high level of pleasure in the text we've enjoyed thus far. For example, Mazel Tov is the stoned monarch barfly, Angelina or Mazel tov! [as in, Congratulations!] The stoned monarch barfly, [whose name is] Angelina or Mazel Toff [the cockney word for "gentleman"] is the stoned monarch, Barfly Angelina. The absurdity could go on. I suggest for clarification a reading like this, to be rearranged to fit your notion of the meaning and lineation. mazel tov! Angelina the stoned monarch barfly's aquiver with orange mascara She's weeping lime scented tears in her tequila, as esta tristeza mía plays on the neon lit jukebox hooking up in a cross species connection bernie takes angie back to his flock but before he can introduce his sweet chiquita angelina succumbs from field pesticides verklempt ~~~~ discuss There's a lot about the last stanza I like, but I think you're right about this last line above being a natural ending point. And more is the pity, too. If you can play with it for a week, I'd write a nice short and sweet note to the editor at Prairie Schooner and put it on top of maybe three other poems that you like and send it off. Check first to see if they're accepting things over the summer. A lot of places don't. If you don't get it in there, if you keep sending it out, I think you should get it in someplace. Self addressed stamped envelope, short polite letter to the editor, and start compiling a list of six or eight places you think would be good places to see stuff. Read the magazines before you send anything so you know what they print and if your stuff actually seems to fit in with the material they like. Time to start collecting rejection slips, and work on getting an occasional publication JM. Don't think about it, it's only rejection. You've got enough to worry about when you're actually having fun writing. Best from Mr. Bob. Go to. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Wow! This was a beautiful poem full of lurid imagery and a comparison drawn well between the geese and human interaction. Life's short. Think hard! |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Bob, is becoming delightfully tiresome, and said it all, far better than I could. I will be able to retire to Florida soon, and won't that be lovely! My very first thought as I reached the end of this poem was, "This is publishable". And of everything I see of yours this stands out, not necessarily because it is any "better" but because it has qualities that distinguish it from so much of the other good stuff out there. It will get noticed by editors. I know nothing about your US periodicals, so listen to BK and go for it Jenn. I have a feeling that you are starting to find a "voice", maybe summer reading suited you after all, you've come roaring back. [This message has been edited by moonbeam (08-14-2008 07:31 AM).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
My only question to ask through the smile on my face is, why in the world is this in Dark? It's too much fun to be dark!  Enjoyed, m'dear! |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: #1 She likes to come over as a dark and mysterious woman and #2 stopchicks was in CA |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thank you all for your very kind and encouraging comments. |
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