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Dark Poetry #4
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030408
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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030408 |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
In that brief pause between winter and spring, my iceberg blue world takes on a silvery sheen. Crows circle the sky, scythe night into feathers and exalt to the world morning is born on their wing. Rose wine of a March sun pours over the horizon, a pink lotus flower for my floating world. Sap flows in the branches of winter hushed trees, they whisper again the secrets of green. No season of bloom in winter’s brief respite, the darkest of rivers flows from within. Night opens the white gate, frost stills the trees, the lotus has folded into crystalline petals. |
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| © Copyright 2008 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Jennifer~ This is simply lovely imagery that brings the piece to life~ 'Rose wine of a March sun pours over the horizon'  You are growing in your poetry~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
In my opinion you’ve got a very good poem here Jen. Perhaps just a few minor edits away from being something special - but not that many. |
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LadyTom Member
since 2008-02-29
Posts 353LA, CA |
very beautiful, very poetic. enjoyed. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks very much, Marge, Grinch and LadyTom. Suggestions for revisions are always welcome, Grinch. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Why ask me for suggestions? You’re the one writing very good poetry, I should be asking you! If I were editing your poem though I'd do something like this: Brief in the pausing between snow and spring, my iceberg blue world gained a silvery sheen. Crows circled skywards, scythed midnight, with feathers exalting the world as dawn broke on their wing. It’s essentially the same, the tense is changed in parts, the syllable count tweaked and the language scrambled but kept just this side of illegible. Sorry for the re-write btw, I suspect you don’t like it when people re-work your poems in their voice - especially when that voice is as bad as mine. It’s just easier to get across what I mean, hopefully it’ll at least give you some ideas to kick around, if not just shout at me and I promise never to do it again.  |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I really do appreciate your suggestions and re-write, Grinch, and I love what you did with the fourth line especially. So if I ask questions, which I’m going to, don’t think it’s because I’m displeased, upset or anything. It’s just because when I don’t know or understand something, I ask questions. Also, I didn’t quite manage what I was shooting for so maybe you can point me in the right direction? Take a big sip of whatever and a very deep breath. Ready? Why the tense change in the opening? Think I was off in choosing exalt. What I was shooting for is that those crows who wake me up every blessed morning day after day seem to be screaming “ hey, look what we did, we brought back the sun!” Maybe another word choice? But I very much liked the way you handled the line using the word. As for the scythe thing, again, it’s the crows fault. It just seems to me that they way they seem to slice through the sky, air, clouds is a part of their morning ritual for returning the sun. I originally had scythe clouds into feathers - meaning change banks of winter clouds into willowy wisps. Have no idea why I changed it. I didn’t count syllables, stresses, whatever. I know, I’m such a loser and wing it by ear. Do you think crystalline works to carry the ice image? I’ve read your poems. I’d much rather have your voice than mine. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
this poem lighten up the dark world of dark poetry. thank you very much for you lovely, uplifting poem. and such imagery in this poem simply beautiful!! have a great day!! ~Zach~ |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks very much Falling rain. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I’ve armed myself with a tall glass of Guinness so if my answers start to sound like gibberish I‘ll at least have an excuse. Why the tense change? Two reasons, the first is to shift the narrative from a description of what happens to a story of what happened at a particular time - it‘s specific to a moment and the narrators version can‘t be questioned - it gives the voice authority. “I was there and this is what happened“, instead of “this is my description of what happens”. If you say something with authority people are more likely to lend it more credence. It’s a fine line seeing the slight shift in tense but the devil is in the difference. The second reason is more to do with sound ,there were plenty of words ending with “ing” and “(e)d” in the original, increasing the number of them seemed to smooth the flow and soften the lines - this trick of repetition suggests a poetic form even outside conventional forms. Exalt\exalting? I understand what you mean but a single word change doesn’t spring to mind, perhaps a change to the last two lines in the stanza would get you there: Claiming conception Of the dawn on their wing Clouds\ scything\ crows? I like the cloud\ crow image but clouds are boring unless you give them another name, cumulus, stratus, cirrus, nimbus spring to mind. scythed nimbus with feathers scythed cirrus with feathers scythed stratus with feathers Take your pick. Losers\syllables\stresses Winging it by ear is a good tactic - that’s what I do - I believe scansion is a description after the fact and if I ever start doing it while writing I hope someone will shoot me, or slap my legs at least. Counting syllables is definitely something I do on occasion. Either to make sure I stay within the particular form I’m writing or, more usually, because I like to write syllabic poetry or near-syllabic poetry, the same form DT preferred. Syllabic poetry doesn’t rely on meter it gets it’s poetic lilt or sound from the repetition in the number of syllables. In a stanza that means you either make them all the same syllabic length (odd numbers are ok) or you set up a repeating pattern. It really starts to pay dividends though when you repeat the pattern across stanzas, the beauty is that you don’t have to be bang on with the count, near-syllabic works just as well which means you get a little leeway to fit what you want into the form: You, in the no, sans expression, All face, yet faceless; All grace in stillness Through sepia's veil. You, on the down of depression All sighs and listless Miss “mind your own business”. A snap of a wail. You, that defies comprehension, A picture of greatness; A smile that’s contagious. Serenity blazing your trail. 8,5,5,5 8,5,6,5 8,6,6,8 Granted the last line stands out in this, but that was intentional and only possible because I knew the syllable count. I’m not suggesting you do this all the time but this poem seemed to lend itself to it. BTW did you notice the repetition of S's that carried this? sounds like a bag of snakes when you start to listen for them. Crystalline? Yes definitely, keep that word it IS ice but petals sounds a little light and a little sharp, it doesn‘t balance the sharpness of crystalline, you need a big fat round word like BLOOM but you’ve used that once so you’d need to edit the first line to use it in the last. I warned you - pure gibberish. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I see what you mean about the tense change giving the voice authority, Grinch. Thanks. And the repetition of sounds as you suggested does make the rather prosey opening sound a little more poetic. Proper names for clouds - brilliant idea! Originally I had longer lines, much like your edits, but broke them down into two lines instead of one to sort of indicate the end line words were a little more sustained. Can see now that’s maybe too much drama. I’ll try the syllabic thing and see how that goes. I don’t like petals either. A little too foo foo even for me. Maybe a big fat fancy but booming word for bud might work? That was the image I really wanted but bud seemed too harsh soundwise. Thanks for the help, Grinch. I really appreciate it! |
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