High Emotions - Critism Strongly Encouraged

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Dark Poetry #4

High Emotions - Critism Strongly Encouraged

Nolimits
New Member

since 2007-03-13

Posts 6

0 posted 2007-03-29 07:09 PM

One last tear on this wooden cup,
A silver ring, and a broken frame.
"But honey..." No, shut up, SHUT UP!
I'm tired, it's always been the same.

"Nice to meet you, can I rip your heart away?"
Sure, here's your new toy, go have fun and play.

I'm not even going to ask...
    but...by any chance, do you even care?
        Or is it too dark under that Cain's mask,
to ignore the glance of what could be fair.

And now you are going to depart,
Guess its time to find a new prey.
To enslave another wanderer's heart.
And proudly set it on your display.

Girl,
   I hate you.

[This message has been edited by Nolimits (03-29-2007 08:38 PM).]

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

1 posted 2007-03-29 08:26 PM

One last tear on this wooden cup,
A silver ring, and a broken frame.
"But honey..." No, shut up, SHUT UP!
I'm tired, it has always been the same.

This flows well until the last line.

"Nice to meet you, can I rip your heart away?"
Sure, here's your new toy, go have fun and play.

I liked this.  Very good.

I'm not even going to ask...
    but...by any chance, do you even care?
        Or is it too dark under that Cain's mask,
to ignore the glance of what could be fair.

Again, this was good in terms of both flow and subject matter, but change that last line.

And now you are going to depart,
Guess its time to find a new prey.
To enslave another wanderer's heart.
And proudly set it on your display.

Perfect.

Nolimits
New Member

since 2007-03-13

Posts 6

2 posted 2007-03-29 08:37 PM

Thanks, I can see where you're coming from in the first stanzaa, although I don't see what's wrong with the third. o.o

Thanks for your thoughts though.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

3 posted 2007-03-31 03:08 PM

I like the 1st stanza the best I didn't acually see anything wrong with the last line... I liked this.
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

Nolimits
New Member

since 2007-03-13

Posts 6

4 posted 2007-04-02 10:37 PM

The original had an unnecessary syllable, but I edited it. :P

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

5 posted 2007-04-03 12:57 PM

oh ok well anyway just saying good poem again... oh and i like the line you changed
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

Nolimits
New Member

since 2007-03-13

Posts 6

6 posted 2007-04-03 09:06 AM

Thanks!

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