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Dark Poetry #4
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This one breaks the rules
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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This one breaks the rules |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
The Fallen Men I voices echo across the desert, Finding the wind a bitter friend. Lives that remain have alas escaped , but still they are lost , Still they forget. Wise men struggle and cling to their complacent thoughts, And the rocks that were their foundations begin to crumble. Men whose pride only gold could tarnish flee from tides of suffering, And the those who are blind stumble away. We are the fallen men, The stiff men. Staked in fields of desolation we feel nothing but the sting, The cold frail bite of the winter. We are the frail men. Waves of change crash against the walls of the weak And they forfeit their life to ideas the ocean has yet to claim. With every moment that passes the fires of time are stoked, Who can hide from thing only death finds a friend. II Men who fought long battles have realized the war was with themselves, And the fields are strewn with meaningless endeavor. Who can forget the pride once felt When all around you is a plague, All around you is a fault. Misplaced in a circle of lasting deceit The trust of a vagrant becomes so rich What fault can men find in the eyes of friendship When they have made an enemy of everything Death. The ruler of life is death, crowned by the mortality of souls, It's tower rises above the land of the living. Yet ere the table of wrath holds court, death still slips the poison. III shameless men now hear the cry. men of shelter Men of shame Men of weakness Men of change Fields of anger Sewn in blood Men of power Men of god Men of frailty Fruitless vine Men on consience Men of mind Forgone anger Turned to dust Men of hatred Men of lust Men of blood Men of pain Men of death Gone insane IV The Man of Hope Man of hope O' Man of hope Burn nothing but the gardens The stakes of wilted valour Parched by the dust of wind the veil of the selfish still unravels to a thread, while the cup of envy passes Who can say they are not hollow, What man has not suffered an empty void. What man can stand up and say I am not empty. They glance with the eyes of hypocrisy , Forgone by a bitter end But they cannot say, The fallen man is me. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Russell - All Rights Reserved | |||
hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
i loved the ending, but as for the rest of the poem it sounded a lot like a chant maybe make the lines lomger and try adding more structure b/c this poem is very good. the ending though has got to be the best(in my opinion) hope to read more soon... hunnie  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
You should post your revised version here. Just a thought. And cause you also post in CA if i were you I would change the crittique message to your ok with crittiques |
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secret_truth_lies Member
since 2006-11-14
Posts 74 |
I thought you did a great job, very long, but very good. I hope to see more from you soon. Thanks for sharing with us. |
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