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lanaia74
Member

since 2006-08-25

Posts 67

0 posted 2006-09-22 07:34 AM

I feel the sea breeze blowing off the Roman sea
The ocean the sea gulls flying such a pretty sight
As the wind blows I watch the swaying trees
T he sunshine feels so bright.

It's hard to believe it's already 79 A. D.
In this gorgeous sanctuary time slips fast
The volcano adds a special touch of beauty to the sea
Only if these times would last.

I feel the earth tremble and shake
The sky darkens as if a storm approaches
Please don't let this happen for everyone's sake
Maybe I can escape with my horses and coach.

Looking toward the sky it's raining ash
From this there is no where to run and hide
Everyone running and screaming as they try to make a dash
The lava is flowing even into the ocean's tide.

I guess we all shall die from this God forsaken mess
We thought within Pompeii we had the perfect life
We didn't ask for this deadly quest
And the lava flows feeling like the sting of a hot knife.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2006-09-24 01:25 AM

I really like this one, no inverted sentence structure that I can see and your rhymes don't seem forced at all. Keep up the good work!

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

2 posted 2006-09-24 11:18 PM

I like this. I like the way you step in to the victums life.

-Juju

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

3 posted 2006-09-25 07:08 AM

Jen is right - no inversions and I liked the opening line a lot:

"I feel the sea breeze blowing off the Roman sea"

very nice indeed.

Just a suggestion.  Although your rhymes are not too forced - they ARE very simple, almost childish.

You can easily FIX this problem -  Try writing a few poems without rhyme!!!

Rhyme is VERY hard to do well.  When you are thinking about what word you need to rhyme it makes you forget what you are trying to say.  It makes it harder for you to say the words you really want to.  It makes it harder to write in an original way.

Poems don't HAVE to rhyme.

De-stress your life - free yourself from the chains of rhyme!

Just for a while.

M

PS I think you mean "Obliterated" as the title?  Or "Oblivion"?

powerxxx
Junior Member

since 2006-09-21

Posts 17

4 posted 2006-09-25 07:42 AM

this was great
very good

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