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Dark Poetry #4

Tainted love

Digital_Hell
Member

since 2006-06-05

Posts 202
Amidst black roses

0 posted 2006-08-10 04:02 PM

One look from those dead eyes and i feel old
Why, oh why must you be so cold?
Youve made me feel like naught but a toy
You drain from me my life, my joy

With sadistic cruelty you taunt me so
Why, oh why wont you just go?
But as i scream the words i know theyre hollow
If you were gone from my life id live in sorrow

With a soft voice uncoiling like silken lace
You slowly remove the smile from my face
Leaving me alone in the night sceaming
No mortal woman you, a true demon

Though you rend my soul with vice
With a heart thats cold and hard as ice
My heart with delicate precision shattered
As if nothing i had said ever mattered

You drink blood as sweet as wine
make me beg, and cover me in grime
With your mind evil twist
You leave me with only a bloody wrist

But through this all i grow
These three words i know
I love you

A sign in the wind
The fatal last breath
Soft prelude to death
Alone
Amidst black roses

Bobomo
Junior Member

since 2006-07-15

Posts 35

1 posted 2006-08-12 09:21 AM

An excellent poem Digital! The descriptions were very vivid, I love the uncoiling of her voice! Very dark, yet ending with love.

The flow of the poem also worked well in my opinion.

Thanks for posting this!

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

2 posted 2006-08-12 10:36 AM

It's like a song. It's descriptive, but I'd like to see less abstractions, like 'vice', and cliches, like 'heart...cold as ice'. I did like the '...cover me in grime/with your mind...'

I wrote something I'm still looking to place, it reminds me of this..."where you linger, what you make of these signs. A source of pressure, undulating, to assemble my pride."

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

3 posted 2006-08-12 05:37 PM

...one more thing; "naught" sounds pretentious to me.

trUstNooNe
Member

since 2006-05-21

Posts 91

4 posted 2006-08-13 08:56 PM

in some ways she sounds like the perfect woman...nice write!*

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