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Dark Poetry #4

Thank you for killing me

Pluto
Junior Member

since 2005-07-12

Posts 12

0 posted 2005-07-12 01:42 PM

Break my whispers with your screams
Let your blood wash away my dreams.
Catch my stars and eat them whole
Sink my toy ships and slaughter my doll.
Freeze my heart and leave me to die
Feel me, touch me, but first say goodbye.
Break the mirror that keeps us apart
Keep the shards, thrust them in my heart
Spill my guts and wash them in dirt
Maybe I’ll go to heaven and finally join Kurt.
Thank you for killing me

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

1 posted 2005-07-17 03:17 AM

I liked the idea. But the meter was off. Some lines had too many syllables, others too few. More consistency would have helped the poem's flow.

Also, "doll" and "whole" don't rhyme.

With some work, I think this could be a really good piece. It has some original ideas. Keep writing.

www.livejournal.com/users/alimakins

jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 2005-07-28 02:38 AM

I agree with Savage - the ideas and where it finally ended got through the message - but the meters are not consistent, if this is meant to be a metric/rhyme form.

but on the whole, I liked this, reminded me of the song, "killing me softly"

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