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Dark Poetry #4
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Girls
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Girls |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
There's a girl in my drama class, Who sits at the back With a razor blade And keeps her sleeves tugged down. There's a girl I used to know, Who smokes weed On the school fields Where we used to play jump rope. There's a girl sitting with us at lunch, Who throws up After her apple And after her sandwiches and after her biscuit. Come on God, do I seem bulletproof? |
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| © Copyright 2005 Courtney - All Rights Reserved | |||
Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Courtney- Normally I like your poetry, and this is not really any exception, except that it doesn't quite seem... I don't know... finished. So what is it that pulls these girls together in your mind? Are these good things, bad things, just... things? Maybe just one more stanza. Other than that, I like the way the words flow, and the weay you putm them together. I'm drowning, choking |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
Thank you. I also, don't think it's finished, I'e been working on an ending, so this is a work in progress. Thanks for replying! Come on God, do I seem bulletproof? |
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darkness_witch Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516Underneath |
hey babe love how the third stanza's list really adds to it. reading it a second time i can see it with a fourth stanza, so try work on it if you feel up to it. its a great piece of writing heart you nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world. |
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silhouetted Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537New Zealand |
yes a fourht paragraph would do this great justice. nice otherwise can you find me space inside your bleeding heart? |
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Sikanda Member
since 2002-10-08
Posts 54 |
this is really good so far but it definatly needs another verse to tie it together! I have problems finishing my poetry sometimes...hope you can finish this! |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
i'm going to go the opposite route and say it's fine as is, the abrupt ending adds to the disturbing realities the reader is exposed to here. |
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spritrider87 Member
since 2003-05-31
Posts 294NH |
I dont normally reply to what i read here. At least since i decided that i didnt really have anything to add. But this is a very good beginning to what could end up being a long poem. just from reading it i wish to continue it. but it isnt mine so i cant. please continue with this i would like to see where it goes. "Love struk my heart and it fell from the sky. I wish I wish it not to die. And if it goes and your to late I wish I wish you not to hate." |
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Hollow_Emptiness Senior Member
since 2004-02-01
Posts 715New Zealand |
I haven't had much time to work on it, but now I do, so I might add a verse or too. It's just a matter of not ruining what I've already got. Thank you for all the replies. Come on God, do I seem bulletproof? |
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doyouseemeforme Junior Member
since 2005-06-25
Posts 18 |
I loved this poem  Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. |
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vampiana Member
since 2004-09-08
Posts 296Nothing and Nowhere |
yeah i agree with a fourth stanza. but at the same time. omg. the scary reality of it, just wells my eyes up with tears. I am a wilted black rose. Searching for cracks of sunlight, to nurture me. And to help me grow. |
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