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spritrider87
Member

since 2003-05-31

Posts 294
NH

0 posted 2005-01-09 04:40 PM

A girl
More like a child
Stands poised
Ready to run
But she can't be sure
She's headed in the right direction
Her eyes are fine
Not like shes blind
But its dark inside
Shes crying
More softly now
It just helps them find her quicker
They go by sent
And shes still losing blood
Shes broken
Afraid
Alone
Unwanted
Still trying to find her way
But its dark inside
Shes cold
No shoes on
Only rags to keep her warm
And the dread that fills her
Brings her further into the cold
Leaves her shivering
Leaves her withering on the floor
Its dark inside
A girl
More like a child
Is ready to let go
But deep inside
Somewhere
She knows
That if she waits
Just a little longer
She could make it
She could
Theres a chance
But its dark inside
Her bodys druised and battered
And she wants to sleep
But her wary eyes
Always shows shes awake
She might be far away
But shes there
Its dark inside
Too dark....

As I look at this world and realize that I am the only one to have seen the end of all Good I let the tears out that and ask the world to see them.

PainBaneChaos
Member

since 2003-10-17

Posts 150
The point of no return

1 posted 2005-01-09 09:12 PM

"But deep inside
Somewhere
She knows
That if she waits
Just a little longer
She could make it
She could
Theres a chance"

You said it for me.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

2 posted 2005-01-09 11:46 PM

Nice job. I like the abstractness of this poem. There are a few spelling mistkakes and grammatical errors.

"But her wary eyes
Always shows shes awake"

This is a good example. "But her weary eyes / Always show she's awake"

Any idiot can see that the result is true.
-- argumentum ad idiotum
Me!

spritrider87
Member

since 2003-05-31

Posts 294
NH

3 posted 2005-01-11 09:14 AM

pleases dont correct pe grammaticly i normaly do those on purpouse it sounds better to me that way. and i know i spell awfully. but thanks for pointing it out ill try to work on it. and thanky yo ufor the positive feed back.

As I look at this world and realize that I am the only one to have seen the end of all Good I let the tears out that and ask the world to see them.

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

4 posted 2005-01-12 08:13 PM

This was really good. Very descriptive, well done.

"Cuz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right when you're gone away..."~ Seether

"I shut my eyes and hold my cries to myself"~ Taproot

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

5 posted 2005-01-14 01:45 AM

The poem is great. Its what you feel. Real poetry. Its not like you planned it out. You just said it. Thats cool.
Maybe I have a hard time trusting girls, but maybe it would be a cool idea to step back for a while and see what happens. Like just accept whatever is going on and let it flow for a while. God bless.

-GIS

Corruption is caused by holes in obedience to God.

spritrider87
Member

since 2003-05-31

Posts 294
NH

6 posted 2005-01-20 03:10 PM

the girls me. i cant step back from her.

As I look at this world and realize that I am the only one to have seen the end of all Good I let the tears out that and ask the world to see them.

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

7 posted 2005-01-21 01:30 AM

*shudders* I shouldn't have read this before going to bed...lol, well done, this is very good, very sad but it captures me.

- River

"Stained by the sun, I can see colors...colors of mercy washing over me." - 3 Minutes From Home

Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

8 posted 2005-01-21 08:02 PM

That was so good. Wow. I enjoyed it heaps, nice write,

Hollow.
Courtney.

And the legacy runs from needles to guns
And no one's immune to the pain
From Marilyn to River Phoenix
From Elvis to Kurt Cobain

darkness_witch
Senior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 516
Underneath

9 posted 2005-01-23 05:11 AM

nice nice i like this very dark

hehe its gunna keep me awake that one!!!

good work, loved it!

l&e

nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world.

s1nfully_1nn0c3nt
Senior Member

since 2003-10-26

Posts 1105
Watertown, NY

10 posted 2005-03-09 05:08 AM

Sadly Beautiful.

"Trina"

Happiness Runs From Me, For I Am It's Enemy, Anyone Who Has It, Is Someone I Envy...

Much Luv,
"Trina"

spritrider87
Member

since 2003-05-31

Posts 294
NH

11 posted 2006-02-19 09:17 AM

thanks

I am not alive. Just a shell mearly moving with what is left of a ghost. An echo I am whats left after the true thing has left.

yv
Senior Member

since 2003-05-30

Posts 574

12 posted 2006-02-25 02:33 AM

This too is dark and truthful...but if you are able to escape from your pain by writing...that's all I ask...an escape from the world that constricts you!

Very beautiful poem...probably one of my favorites from you...

Yv~Now singing the graces of others' lips....

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