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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #30 |
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Giving up you |
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AusRotten New Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 7 |
first post here.... simple stuff.... just to express my feelings... Giving Up You It feels like im singing a duet alone, cause i lost my other half// happy thoughts sparking of you, still wouldnt make me laugh// punches to my heart, were taken in and felt in my mind// i gave up everything for you, no matter how far i go im alwayz behind// i spilled my feelings out to u, just to have them washed out// killed my dreams and wishes, i aint walkin the same route// all this seems familiar, like i knew this was coming// but what i dont get is when u killed me why was it stunning?// im running from everything now, cause it feels like im doin sumthin wrong// i have been neglected before, but u still were never gone// u showed me everything in life, u were the life of mine// everything revovled around u, like u were a ray of the suns shine// i can feel ur prensence in winds, even if im not alone// when i used to drive to ur house, seemed like i was at my home// gave me strength and confidence, and u told me to believe// said u would alwayz and forever be there, and never leave// i worship every action u take, every heart stoping brethe// i said i'll hold u close to me, even when i past death// the one the only, u told me that i was to you// i look bakk at it all now, and wonder if that was true// i never lied to you, how the {edit by moderator) could u do this// throw away our love, happiness, even the first kiss// u said i was evrything to u, but now im just sent away// i'd be happier than i am if i was just (edit by moderator)in dead today// im so mentaly scared, love from u couldnt imbue// but still one thing i cant see...... is giving up u// [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (11-27-2003 11:07 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 AusRotten - All Rights Reserved | |||
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AusRotten New Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 7 |
uppin this..... just want to know if this is good or no |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
sorry...i didnt even finish reading it, the rhyming scheme killed it...it kinda sounds like a nursery rhyme... "jack and jill went up the hill..." anyway, find a new rhyming scheme and then it would be 50x's better now im alone, but not lonely like before |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
you could work on the spelling, watch out for typos, cut the slang, get rid of those irritating // at the end of every line, and don't use cuss words. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
First, welcome to Passions in Poetry. This is a wonderful place to share your work and enjoy reading what others have written. Poetry doesn't sound "Jack & Jillish" just because it rhymes. Your rhyming couplets are just fine. Continue to utilize poetic formats as a foundation for your writing if you wish. Rhyming will never be outdated, as it is the crux of poesy.... Find a comfy spot among us and enjoy...  |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Welcome to Passions, where you'll find a great variety of personalities and poetic styles in the many different forums. You've written from the heart about an ever popular poetic subject...LOVE. A few minutes editing and spell checking will help make your work more readable. Stick around, and read posts from other poets; don't be afraid to ask for some help from the writers whose work you enjoy most.  |
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ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
Appreciate how you're getting your udeas across and enjoy reading a variety of posts...welcome to Passions  Am beginning to think that as long as ideas are well expressed one can get by without sticking to standard forms and the spelling that goes with it...however since one has to see what you're writing special attention should be given to the way you present your work... |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
 Love is a beautiful thing.... Heart hugs, Ethel http://community.webshots.com/user/toniasmom [This message has been edited by garysgirl (11-28-2003 12:07 PM).] |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
   (big hugggsssssss) This is a wonderful debut that shows the deep honesty and emotion in your heart, sweet friend, we all share these feelings and never want to let go and hope this never happens to you! Poetry is always what's sung from the heart and you have done so wonderfully with or without the use of rhyme, yay! Welcome to Passions, sweet friend, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! I can't wait to read more of your wonderful words, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth |
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SharaRose Member Elite
since 2003-07-19
Posts 2501Somewhere out there~ |
Well it's for sure it's not an easy thing when this is what you feel in this line-- ------that feeling of belonging------- "when i used to drive to ur house, seemed like i was at my home.." The cuss words do leave a VERY bad taste, and doesn't really add anything to the meaning of the write for me, so I'm glad it was deleted before I read. Thanks, and many hugs  sent your way. But still I could feel the ache that was one that was all too familiar an experience in my life.Love, Terri~  [This message has been edited by SharaRose (11-28-2003 01:27 PM).] |
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Hockeychick19 Member
since 2002-10-29
Posts 430Massachusetts, USA |
AusRotten, Good first write... Hope to read many more. Glad to have you aboard.  Welcome to Passions ~Kelly~ Life is a gift so live it to the fullest! |
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