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stevebrklynnyc
Member

since 2004-01-04

Posts 292
GA, Camden

0 posted 2004-01-09 01:19 AM

Alone

An empty soul crying out

Desolate images no one cares about

A forest after a winters snow

A Sound of silence in the distance

No one can hear

Feelings fall short

Lives are touched in an unfamiliar way

A tear is shed

No one cares

Sacrifices are ours to bear

Only to wish on another day

Lives cut short in their prime

A life we wonder

What will be

Who will care

Why we exist

Life is full circle

Prayer is non existent

Help me

[This message has been edited by stevebrklynnyc (01-10-2004 10:49 AM).]

Snow

Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 1170
desert flower looking for rain

1 posted 2004-01-09 01:34 AM

i like the thought process...
and i can see that it wants
to be a deeply touching poem,
my only tiny nit with it.. and
please, it is only my opinion and
that should really mean squat ...
but, i kinda feel left hanging by
most of the lines..
that might not make sense, but
if you want to write me i'll
try to explain it better.
so as not to write a novel here :-)
i will say, i believe you have
the basis for something special.

(or else i would not have spent
so much time replying)

snow

"...why does my skeleton pursue me
if my soul has fallen away?"
~p.neruda

[This message has been edited by Snow (01-09-2004 10:14 AM).]

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

2 posted 2004-01-09 03:02 AM

Although this poem was so very sad, I thought it showed a great deal of talent. Welcome aboard this great website. I'm kind of new, too -- only a month -- but it is a lot of fun. BEEEEEwell.........jo

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

3 posted 2004-01-09 09:12 AM

"Life is full circle"

Aren't we living proof of this?

Never alone, baby, because I am here.

"if you won't let me fall for you
then you won't see the best that I would love to do for you"
~Dido~

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

4 posted 2004-01-09 09:13 AM

I am so happy for you two

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

5 posted 2004-01-09 09:43 AM

Only to wish on another day
always...
Welcome

~smiling~
M

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

6 posted 2004-01-09 10:15 AM

Steve, I found the first four lines very effective. And the last line was great. In the middle, you had too many abstractions to grab me, but you had a nice flow all the way through.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

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