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Open Poetry #30
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This Thick Air
| Open Poetry #30 |
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This Thick Air |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
This bleed of sun red across the coming black holds clouds of you and I I would be the air to hold them in cradled grasp of thought tender mingle of fingered reach that touched the palm and slid in sweat of skin Yet the sun does rest soon and in its absence would I could be the light to lay in subtle form on the curve of your back the rise of your hips or be the breath that gasped in lustful arch against my own until we walked naked on sands washed clean of any other touch but that of our own settle this the twilight words and know the stars soon born of blackened sky will reign and I will again be lost in thoughts of you |
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| © Copyright 2004 Cpat Hair - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Smiling... thankful for the gifts you leave. |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
This bleed of sun red across the coming black holds clouds of you and I I would be the air to hold them in cradled grasp of thought tender mingle of fingered reach that touched the palm and slid in sweat of skin Oh my, Capt. Ron....what a beautiful and sensual poem this is. I love it.  Hugs  Ethel |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Beautifully written! |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Wonderful, Ron...from the title to the last line! |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
You know what you make with words? Love... "if you won't let me fall for you |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
beautiful!!!! |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
"Yet the sun does rest soon and in its absence would I could be the light to lay in subtle form on the curve of your back the rise of your hips or be the breath that gasped in lustful arch against my own until we walked naked on sands washed clean of any other touch but that of our own" Damn.... ...........just damn! In the midst of winter.. |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
settle this the twilight words and know the stars soon born of blackened sky will reign and I will again be lost in thoughts of you sigh, soft and gentle....  ~~**~~ |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
"Yet the sun does rest soon and in its absence would I could be the light to lay in subtle form on the curve of your back the rise of your hips or be the breath that gasped in lustful arch against my own until we walked naked on sands washed clean of any other touch but that of our own" Well...I'm awake now!!!  |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
uh...wow |
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Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow |
Blinding and brilliant. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
CPat~ My goodness ... felt heat from the forums and had to track it down~ 'Yet the sun does rest soon and in its absence would I could be the light to lay in subtle form on the curve of your back' Like this thought~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost, |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Smiling.. thankful for the gifts you leave.. Oh wait..Sunshine said that.. Oh my, Capt.Ron...what a beautiful and sensual poem this is. I love it... Oh wait, Ethel said that.. Beautifully written! Oh wait, iliana said that.. Wonderful Ron..from the title to the last line!... Oh wait...Martie said that.. Okay...so a bunch of people agree with me.... well done ya reprobate!!! |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
hmmmmm....I think this could be much better...a rather generic love poem...sorry to be harsh. There is really nothing here creative-wise to seperate this from the 10,000 love poems I have already read. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
thank to you all..for the comments and the read.. the nice words are appreciated... Wintertao...lol.. show me then how it can be made better... don't just tell me it is bad or commonplace..if you know that, then show me where it can be made better. It is easy to say such things, but show me you know what you are talking about.. |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
ok....some over-used cliche themes "on the curve of your back the rise of your hips or be the breath that gasped in lustful arch against my own" the curves, the rise, the arch...find some new words....the whole last stanza can be cut...I am not here to prove anything...its just my opinion take it or leave it. You put critique on your poem so I did that. the ending is weak... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
not at all sure I agree with you... but in the land of words and writing we are all endowed with opinions... and people do not have to agree always. rather than debate the merits or lack of merit on this particular poem I think I'll simply thank you for the input and let it lie as it is |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Actually, I thought the ending not weak at all, but gentle, like the author... and having been the victim of stalled cool fronts in muggy La. I can vouch for the fact that a cool breeze is never cliche'. It's renewal every time. Welcome home, Cap.  |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
I agree COMPLETELY with the general population's opinion. You are amazing Ron. Failure isn't failure if a lesson from it is learned ~ KS |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
OK...is this the Ron that runs this board or another anyway doesnt matter... don't know Ron...If you don't want critique on your poems then un-check the box. If you think this is harsh critique I would be more than happy to invite you onto some other boards I frequent. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
wintertao.. I thanked you for your input.. and said nothing about the critique being harsh, simply that I didn't agree with it... and was not complaining nor being defensive. I do not mind your thoughts on my poems and value the opinions of others, good or bad... no need to act offended... none was intended and no..this is not the Ron that runs the board.. this is another ron. This ron listens to what is said and decides whether or not it at the time has merit and is meaningful to what he wanted to accomplish with a piece, thanks people for their input and goes on his merry way to try again another day... rarely do I bristle up.. and rarely do I take offense... so not sure where you thought I was... |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I guess it was the lol that confused me... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
lol.. I'm easily amused... and your response amused me... |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
wasn't meant to amuse |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(chuckling)... often things which are not meant to amuse..do amuse me.. call me a sick puppy.. but I find humor in some things others don't... your reply amused me.. what can I say... something in the way it is worded or the way it was read by me, made me see humor in it and in myself.. self importance is often the reason we get angry when someone says something negative about what we write or about us personally.. ego if you will... my ego simply set aside any self importance it might have felt the need to excersize and laughed at itself and at the reply as a reminder that no matter how many people like something..there are always people who do not.. you did not..and you had the brass to say so.. it made me chuckle.. go figure... |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
This bleed of sun red across the coming black holds clouds of you Striking imagery and use of the colors within your words, binding secondary meanings with primary into a well knit whole. Think of it...bleed of sun...shows movement as light bleeds away, added to the doubled meaning of color and of fading down the sky toward dusk, and the movement of color as it increases in hue with the setting of the sun. Incredibly creative, as is the phrasing in "coming black" which is again a doubling of the words' power by using both their meanings and connotations to flesh out the scene. "Clouds of you," holds the same tone and builds on what has gone before, with the implications of "cloud" playing off the actual sight in the reader's mind of sunset clouds. The emotional tone, the quality of the human relationship and the scene itself have been painted with a sure hand, and in the barest minimum of words. That's just the first three lines...you continue through this poem with clarity and strength, right down to the last line. Humdrum? Usual? Used? I think not! There's not a poet here who wouldn't be proud to clam this as their own. I certainly would be. The only thing typical about this poem would be that its depth and strength of presentation are typical of the way you write. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
This bleed of sun red across the coming black holds clouds of you and I I would be the air to hold them in cradled grasp of thought loved this part. The rhythm, image, and flow are tremendous. Sadelite |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
This bleed of sun red across the coming black holds clouds of you ''' I have to agree with Ed on this....amazing imagery!! but you do that with all your work! hugssss... Lauren~ ~*~ |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well I was amused  and loved this Captain Ron, and if this is cliche', bring it on! ; It is a very nice thing this night to read your words. |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
edit by moderator [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (01-09-2004 05:07 PM).] |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
cpathairless....you're a sick puppy....are ya happy now?..LOL...you silly (edit by moderator)....whassup my friend?....(edit by moderator)...I guess we'll all have to be a little more professional in our posts....Of course, you well know, that being the Master Poet that I am, I have no problem with this...but the rest of you will have to straighten up...LOL [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (01-09-2004 04:31 PM).] |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(chuckling).. Toe..you old coot..you know that I never claimed myself to be a poet..more a scribbler of sorts who likes of course to sneak a peak at the ladies legs when the wind blows their skirts up, then try to write about it so when the medications kick in I can pretend I'm as dashing as you and make the ladies swoon and Deer jealous. How you doing these days? I see you been giving that simply slimy duo of Deer and Lng Jhn a good what for and keeping them in line. Thank god for people like you Toe who can take on such a monumental task and not wince in the face of such adversity. I'm guessing there must be thoudands of men who even if banded together, wouldn't have the courage to write about Deer hiding under some nuns skirt only to find out the nun was in fact Lng Jhn... I did kind of wonder though, how it was Lng Jhn could pass as a nun, then I took another look at his picture and figured it out. good to see you around my friend... hope your doing well... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Ed... bud you are mor than kind.. thank you sir for the very kind words.. and thank to everyone who read and commented... it is greatly appreciated.. Now... wintertao is absolutely right to say what his/her thoughts were on the poem and I took no offense. My profile is marked for critques and I invite anyone to show me where I might do better or where what I write falls short in their read... just because someone doesn't like something I write or doesn't think what I writeis creative..or that perhaps I am trite or write on overused themes, doesn't mean they are right or wrong, just means it is their opinion. we all know how opinions are..they are like... oh wait.. can't write that here One sure measure of the worth of a critics opinion is always in the things they themselves write and a collective understanding of what it is they think poetry is..and what constitutes good poetry in their mind. I always recommend that before you put yourself down because someone is critical, or before you let the critique tweak you, that you take the time to see how qualified in your own mind the person is to offer the advice or insight. Now..I say all this... because I think in some ways wintertao's comments on my poem may have seemed unkind to some of you... but he/she has aright to their opinion and believe me, I'm not easily hurt or offended by such opinions as he/she expressed. luv ya all... for the support and for understanding the why of me not being around much of late..and for still welcoming me back even though I'm not too comfortable with making lots of replies and telling you all how YOUR words..impress and make me feel.. |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
what a bunch of crap.....you usually respond to my fine poetry?....and the reason you don't come around much anymore is because you're so intimidated by fine poets like myself....and, "We all know what opinions are like...oh wait, can't say that here."....have you read the stuff I write here?.....Who says you can't say that here?...Nobody told me that?.....Let's go get a xanax and a few shots of scotch..ya wanna?...I'll show ya some poetry then!!! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
a few shots of bourbon for me Toe.. never did develop the class to drink scotch... in fact prefer a good vodka tonic these days... but bourbon..well.. I think if you and I sat down to have one or two it would be bourbon on my part..lol.. you bet.... let's go.. as for a bunch of crap..and as for being intimidated... you always were one to see through my artifices... must be all those years chasing around trying to keep them other two scallywags in line.. you just developed a clean eye to see through people.. as usual toe..I'm humbled... |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Yea, I'll bet you're humbled, LOL...you're one of the better poets/story tellers here, and I'm sure you're aware of that....if I could make my mind work like it did prior to 1967, I could write good stuff too... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Toe... I joke and kid.. but don't ever think I am not humbled by the humor and the tenacity as well as the courage you have shown us all... as for being ne of the better poets or story tellers here... nah.. I'm just a dumb old country boy who obviously likes to hear himself talk... first round is on me... hell.. maybe the second one too. hey.. just had a thought..we can invite lng jhn and toe along...and stick them with teh bill while you and I suck up all the booze and catch all the women. I figure Deer'd make good bait... he looks kind of like one of those momma's boys the girls seem to pity...and lng jhn..well.. I'm guessing after wearing that nuns uniform, he may come in drag which we can use to distract the other guys in the bar.. think it'll work? |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
"I see we have a new pro online...wintertowel" toerag - not to worry wintertowel has learned his lesson toe, you won't find me offering opinions here anymore. Cpat Hair - you seem like a cool cat, thnx for understanding, peace out. |
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harash Member
since 2003-12-27
Posts 99India |
A brilliant write my dear....... always harash |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Wintertao.....I hope you weren't offended by my craziness.....if you were....just look at the crap I post...I haven't got a serious bone in my body....(just ask the women I've been with).... |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I had to read the poem, read the responses... then go back and read the poem again. *S* Believe me... that can't be considered punishment... this is excellent, my friend... I'd have to plagiarize to write such vivid images... and there wouldn't be many to "borrow" from. *G* |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
beautiful and mastery of the sunset on the heels of amor |
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