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Open Poetry #30
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Haiku On Icy Beach
| Open Poetry #30 |
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Haiku On Icy Beach |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
The sunset yielded to starlight And the wave kept the rhythmic song, Pounding on from day to night As the salty winds played along, With old fingers the pen in hand, Slowly I wrote a simple haiku Far from the shore with icy sand I can not share sunrise with you Rocky icy beach Winter has slipped over you Yet I strive to reach. The rocks cover all of the sand Fallen from cliffs of northern shore No place left exposed where rocks stand Frozen crevasses to explore Where far floating branches drift in Wintering there till thaw of spring, And the ices melt with warm wind When birds return to gaily sing. Gloom Since I tend not to repost, I wrote a new poem from the old, and present the old for comparison. Haiku on Sandy Beach The sunset yielded to starlight And the wave kept the rhythmic song, Pounding on from day to night As the salty winds played along, With old fingers the pen in hand, Slowly I wrote a simple haiku There on the shore in the wet sand To be washed away and taken to you As sand grind the feet I dream of your softest touch From lips tasting sweet The starlight is blinded by the sun, The tides have erased all away, The brightness and people come Upon the sandy vastness to play, I leave with a coat of fresh brine Hoping the waves can reach you, And touch your heart from mine Letting you know my sand Haiku. Gloom |
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| © Copyright 2004 Aszard Drazlom - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
The verses slid by so smoothly I was done reading before I realized there was no more. Both peoms are spot on! I really like the way you centered your writing on the haikus, and kept everything consistent. |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
Thank you kindly Mr. Silver You praise me greatly and most elegantly for a crusty old pirate, But most of us around here know you are actually a smooth poet. I do like consistency and form Which I reflect in my poetry. Gloom |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Professor, Good one, enjoyed. |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
The rocks cover all of the sand Fallen from cliffs of northern shore No place left exposed where rocks stand Frozen crevasses to explore Where far floating branches drift in Wintering there till thaw of spring, And the ices melt with warm wind When birds return to gaily sing. In this i see gloom, but like the way you pepped it up with the optimism: Wintering there till thaw of spring, and the ices melt with warm wind. This was as good as the first, but the first is still my favorite. There I can feel the the warmth and wet grit of a finger writing in the sand. Sadelite Kindly excuse my misunderstanding of our possible plans to duet. I was in a hurry when I read... |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Gloom -- of course, I liked both -- and again, I say, this is a far cry from Onslow Beach. BEEEEE well |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
excellent! I love them both! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Much prefer the rewrite - rewrites are goooooood...well done, Gloom. The haiku is haunting. Can not should be cannot though. I think 'gaily sing' is weak. Being a blind freeverser I can't really tell if you've written this for meter or not...but some of these lines seem slightly forced...some of them could be tightened even more, bit more flow... Yes...this got me, glad I found it.  K |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I thoroughly enjoyed both the write and the presentation. Nice visuals. |
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