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huddersfield
Junior Member

since 2003-12-29

Posts 25
huddersfield, England

0 posted 2003-12-30 06:07 AM

As pointless dreams
And hopes subside,
The cavern walls collide.

With a deafening crash
In a silent place
Where things aren’t often heard.

Where echo’s stirred,
But now they rest
In a chamber that has erred.

----------

Im not too sure about this, im in two minds as to whether its complete or not. Half of me is saying it needs another verse or two, But the other half is saying its just fine, leave it alone.
Any comments would be warmly received.

Regards

Glynn

ambrish
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 257
India

1 posted 2003-12-30 07:10 AM

With a deafening crash
In a silent place
Where things aren’t often heard.

a nice poem,short and sweet
i think it is complete.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2003-12-30 09:12 AM

For now, I believe it is complete.
But it could always be the start
of something more...

Glynn, you might like to go over to Critical Analysis...that forum is always primed and ready to give great critiques. Of course, don't forget to keep posting here, as well...

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

3 posted 2003-12-30 09:15 AM

Excellent just the way it is Glynn.
Well done.
Hugs~

In the midst of winter..
I found there lives within me,
an invincible summer.

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

4 posted 2003-12-30 09:16 AM

Where echo’s stirred,
But now they rest
In a chamber that has erred.

Glynn, I also think this is a very nice ending for now.....
as Sunshine said, it can be the beginning to more
later, if you'd like.

Hugs,
Ethel

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

5 posted 2003-12-30 12:52 PM

Hi Glynn. I think it is complete but that is up to you to leave it or put some more into it. Short is good, and this is powerful.

Welcome to Passions

huddersfield
Junior Member

since 2003-12-29

Posts 25
huddersfield, England

6 posted 2003-12-30 01:06 PM

Once again thank you all for your kind coments, and yes, i think i will leave it as it is for the time being and maybe come back to it in a few months to see if it has matured...

Regards

Glynn

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

7 posted 2003-12-30 01:23 PM

Glynn~

Welcome to Passions~
Nice penning ... I enjoyed it~

Happy New Year's blessings to you and yours~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram
[email protected]

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

8 posted 2004-01-01 03:54 AM

I have to agree with Sunshine's comment above. Very good.

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