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Open Poetry #29
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warning.
| Open Poetry #29 |
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warning. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space 
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release in a cloud blister in the fallout of my split atom rage |
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| © Copyright 2003 raphael giuffrida - All Rights Reserved | |||
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pandonov Member
since 2003-10-03
Posts 478b/w conscience and insolence |
damn.. "critical mass" watch the critical mass |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
makes me think of a saying to the effect of "It's not nice to mess with Mother Nature!" Ditto with you... stepping slowly away from the nuclear man of Passions. Good write Raph, it fit fine. |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
beatufil and dark classic raffi |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
I'm kinda angry today too... you know, people look at you like you're some kind of beast if you can punch through brick walls =-/ love it Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
will do oppenheimer..er pandonov thanks barry i'm really a nice guy until my friends or I am messed with thanks Mishy Alyssa i've taken on a few walls myself |
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pandonov Member
since 2003-10-03
Posts 478b/w conscience and insolence |
hope you don't kill yourself like he did... so pity to despise your greatest invention... |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
the true pity is that it didn't destroy the entire human race..(ironically someone recently called me a humanist..bah) |
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pandonov Member
since 2003-10-03
Posts 478b/w conscience and insolence |
don't be so hard on yourself we are on borrowed time anyway, unfortunately... wierd evolution or experiment failure |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
the latter, we stopped evolving long ago or at least have slowed the process which reminds me of a great book Future of the Body by Michael Murphy..such bloody potential |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
yes, yes, yes.... relate well to this  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey-- (serenity protests) I'm evolving--er, rapidly too.  Understood this'n very well Raph. I've been told that when my blood pressure goes up the temperature goes down. (brrrrrrrrr...) Hugs, winks and commiseration. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Raph: this reminded me of "Distant Early Warning" but to the riff of any "Rage Against the Machine" *taking cover* xxoo |
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gemjop Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587Pencilveinia, USA |
This is what i'mma always nagging about... these kind of words, belong to you, and couldnt possibly come from anywhere else.  In these moments, i'm proud to be a friend. others i'm just ashamed. That were a joke tfw! |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoyed |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
no one can do these like you.... so powerful your words Lauren~ Will the wind ever remember the names |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
honesty, however brutal.... (chuckling) from me my friend, you'll get nothing but honesty... as far as this goes...it is well done, what it does not address is the very content you then address in your comments to others.. all, are related and this piece would be stronger had it also incorporated the essence of your later comments. As it reads today..it says one thing..and it says it strongly.. that message and the depths of the piece, could be enhanced.. and should..in my opinion..because what you are saying in the thread is the very essence of more than personal anger or distrust or cynicism..it is the fate we as humans are given.... ya know I love ya man... and if you think about it.. ya know what I am saying makes sense...  |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
thanks Susan hugs thanks K knew you would i like the RATM angle thanks gem yer the greatest even for a tfw thanks vandana thanks lauren very kind Well Ron then it wouldn't be a senryu lol The problem is i can't write for crap lately so i condense what thoughts i have into these. besides i think there's a difference between the specified anger of this poem and the general anger i have for the human species |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
then to hockey pucks with senru..and I disagree.. I think the anger is related and part of the whole underlying strength of your piece..... as for not writing worth crap.. Bull... your biggest problem is that you either overthink the whole and don't seem to let the natural flow of words loose and so stifle what it is you began to write...or you limit it to one single elment which then limits as well what it is you wanted to convey... I've read you too long..and I know what you can do with words.. so.. you'd have a hard time convincing me otherwise. |
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Krawdad Member Elite
since 2001-01-03
Posts 2597 |
Hey, Ae, I'm thinking Cpat is on to something. On the other hand, you may have noticed that I tend to condense the bejeezes out of everything. Offering just a little peek? Or simply not wanting to babble on? Can't write? Bull! It's about the editor in your head. He gets control sometimes. Shake him off. (I know, easy to say, hard to do.) And I'm beginning to think that those who don't do poetry never get out from under their own thumb. Write whatever . . . e |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
"then to hockey pucks with senru" |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Kraw.. you condense but also your metaphors are generally painted in universal or open terms.. Raph here used personal references making this a single reference... big difference in the way it limits a poem..particularly a short one. raph could change just a few words inthis and accomplish a broader scale of understnading and keep the form condensed.. it is always perspective and the perspective here is one that speaks to his personal anger and hints strongly at his anger towards some single thing. Move the center of the poem away from the "I" and into the realm of all and you accomplish a lot... but do that and add or change the references a bit and you have something that can be applied to the reason there is anger as well as what the effects are... just my ramblings... but how I see this piece and what Raph is MORE than capable of doing.... |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Raph...A senru is very helpful when you need to let a little steam out of the pressure cooker. I'm in need of doing that myself. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smile. There now, Cap. That was much clearer than "hockey pucks" even if it lacked that element of style...giggle.  and yes, I agree. If Raphael ever unleashed he could undo all of creation. for Raph too. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
hockey pucks simply is a reference to some word that crossed my mind which Raph would understand better than my weak substitution but is not permissable here... now as to the rest.. raph lock it inside in part because it swirls around and tries to find form, but too much wants to come out at once..then, he finds himself with nothing coming out. Part of that... is a thing you learn..to control not only the thoughts but to focus on them intensly. He feels them intensly I am sure, and sees them, then..along comes another flash ..of both insight and of doubt.. now of course this is all conjecture on my part.. but the process is not so different in any writer I have ever spoken to... when Raph learns to focus on the single and apply it to the plural ( the universal) he will find a broader and deeper understanding is found in what he writes.. Hell yes..I am opinionated... and I do BELIEVE Raph has talent... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I see blue air. Very good, Raph! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Chuckling...I just read through all of the comments. Raph, do what I do. Get a friend to be editor for you, and let loose. He, or she, will clean up after us, if need be. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
editor my hiney.. let go..first..then worry about an editor later.. write what is inside..from the pit.. from the edges of raw that we all have if we admit it. |
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Krawdad Member Elite
since 2001-01-03
Posts 2597 |
"Cpat the Wise" Pay heed, Raph. You are more universal than you know. Look for it. It eases (and may surprise) the mind as you uncover that truth. You lose none of your essence in the discovery. And I'd wager that you will find it easier to write. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Yeesh i leave for a second... It's not for lack of effort, I just can't seem to write more then these short pieces at the moment which is better than not writing at all. Ron didn't you recently post your last for awhile because you felt your writing wasn't where you wanted it to be or ineffective..hmmm BULL Thanks for the comments and believe me I've taken them all into account and i'm working on it..i think.. [This message has been edited by Aenimal (10-29-2003 04:58 PM).] |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
I'll be back later on tonight..ya'll so craaaaazeeh Hey K? That 'If Raphael ever unleashed he could undo all of creation' works in well with that antichrist theme we were talking about yesterday. cool..lmao |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Raph, I always like to read your poems (even if I don't always reply for reasons I've told you before, like not knowing what to say). I like to read them because know that whatever you write is from your gut feeling...what you feel way down inside. But, liked Capt. Ron said (very much better than I ever could have), I feel that lately you are being very cautious with what you're writing........leaving part of it out. When you first came here you weren't that way. I don't know the reason for this, but I do know that I certainly do enjoy trying to figure out where your thoughts and ideas for yur poetry are coming from. You have a lot of anger inside and I think it's therapeutic to write it out....because you and others have told me so...not because I have the capabilities to write my deep hurtful feelings down. On the other hand, my friend, you have those capabilities to write exactly what you feel!! You are that talented!! We all miss you when you aren't here much, Raph. You are very much a part of us. You do know that, don't you? Wth love and hugs,  Ethel |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sheesh. (I was just trying to goad someone into spanking me too...)  "editor my hiney" LMAO...(serenity exits, with a "neener-neener-neener" to the cap...) ah well. The witch must fly! ta ta for now! zoom |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Raph... you want to talk about me writing my last for a while.I'll be glad to explain in depth. It has nothing to do with the words not being there or me not being able to write... have the witch give you my e-mail and we can talk about that, and about the difference between making a decision to not write for a while and blocking what is inside.. which is part of what I think I see in your words of late.... we can also talk about why you can't seem to write... I've some pretty good hunches as to why.. and might even tell you a way or two to get around them... LOL... now WITCH.... no more neeners... and you have been such a slacker with your won writing that I am surprised you have the nerve to come in here and poke at me..or raph... you are in no better place than Raph when it comes to being the worst enemy you have... so you want spanked... you e-mail me..and we'll talk about what we both already know.. Sunshine... no offense meant.... your idea was a good one... and me, I'm just being a brat.. so my apologies for the reply that sounds like I am discounting yur suggestion.. I was not..or did not intend to. Kraw... LMAO..Cpat the fool you mean.... |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
I think we could all use some anger management classes here, personally! rofl don't you just feel so counseled to raph? This is why my therapist FEARS me (as she should)!  Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
anger? LMAO>. no way... not anger at all. If it came across that way.. my apologies.. passionate about raph's writing? yeah.. that I plead guilty to.. the man has talent.. but anger.. nope... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Alyssa? It's true. This is how we play NICE. smile. (serenity exits, rubbing her cheeks... ) |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
daaaaaaaaamn, mental note to not tick you off :-p Ya know what they say. Curiosity salted the snail. |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
serenity i know this is how you play nice and thats my point EXACTLY rofl Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Ron I don't understand why everybody thinks I'm holding back?! It's true many of my poems were longer before but they were also overindulgent and lacked substance. They were also lacking in allegory and metaphor for some time and became ranting, whining pieces of prose rather than poetry. So now I'm more careful with the words i chose because I want to avoid redundancy, cliche and that lack of focus. I write medium length pieces and then carve them down so that they retain impact. Sometimes it means sacrificing a few lines. Would i like to write longer pieces? Yes, if they meet with those standards. Unfortunately lately, as i discussed le witch, all my writing seems to have the same theme and it quite frankly bores me and saddens me that it's all i have. How many screw religion, life sucks and this is my past poems can i write? The fire is lost, the creative juices are not flowing, the muse skipped town. There's no intent on my part to hold things back it's simply a matter of it not being there. You write beautiful pieces of poetry full of depth and images, Karen and Kaoru are some of freeist most natural poets I've ever read. Mike writes sheer brilliance and Maree and Lauren art. I simply don't have the same creativity or vision as any of these writers at the moments and can only write what comes. Wheew there's my essay sir gimme an A damnit! [This message has been edited by Aenimal (10-29-2003 08:34 PM).] |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
oops and Thanks to all btw, I appreciate the read and input you've all given and Ron feel free to email me anytime |
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Kesiv New Member
since 2003-10-29
Posts 4 |
With the understanding that everythings is subjective to whims, fancy, and personal taste, I believe that it is powerful as is. Ambiguity and vague implications are powerful mediums that enhance art thereby enhancing the artist (deservedly or not). Don't be so quick to doubt the work; some queries should never be made. Like Gertrude Stein on her death bed when asked "what is the answer?" and she said "what is the question?" Ah, of course. But who would trust the words of some unknown ne'er-do-well? I think not counsellor (big grin, bunched cheeks, all teeth). |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Raph . . now you know I am going to disagree with that nonsense you are telling yourself up there . . . you are a writer and an amazing one at that you brought me here . . . xxoo [This message has been edited by littlewing (10-30-2003 04:02 PM).] |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Ahhhh Bello, you never disappoint. Most smashing indeed. M fate is not just |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
"release in a cloud blister in the fallout of my split atom rage" ~ Wow! Sounds like you are an A-Bomb waiting to happen! Thanks for the "Warning"! I have this vision of you exploding into a radioactive megaton mushroom of uncontrollable rage! I hope this write released a bit of it for you! Your brevity can still pack quite a punch! Anger Management 101 ~ Count slowly from 1 to 10!  ~ This truly was brill, Dear Raph! Linda |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Came back to applaud Kesiv. and a bit of a chuckle too. I seem to recall reading somewhere that there is no serious critique in Open forum. no? |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
ROFL at Serenity's  |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
LOL. Raph..bud, I give you an E for effort... but I have a hard time believing that the words are not in you. I do understand the internal boredom of writing about the past or about the same things over and over. I also know we get that way usually because we are blocking our own vision..we are refusing or have forgotten how to look at today..and or look at the world with eyes that see thing just a bit differently. You are a photographer.. and when you look through the lense, you frame, you compose, and you look for the elements that MAKE the picture unique, or capture a universal truth. Your word do the same, when you let them... when you open your eyes and dare I say "soul" to frame them. Tell me sir... have you walked around lately or driven and seen along side your way, someplace that you knew had a story behind it..or a place yuo felt like had a story..or one yu just made a story or a history up for it, because it intriqued you? If you haven't... go out and look for such aplace..then imagine the people and the lives and the things which shaped it.. and write just a few words about them.. just a few... then go do it again.. someplace else.. or about someone's face you see.. or about the way someone walks... you in my mind are holding back... you are holding back on allowing yourself to see and to write..and to connect the lines of humanity across the day to day... you hold back.. by forgetting to look and forgetting to care... |
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Wind
since 2002-10-12
Posts 2981 |
blur. that what we found inside the air vent. where I tried to get out of my cell and come help you but they caught me and poot me back in the strait jaket. aorry. oh god...I was going to write a poem and say that we are time bombs ready to go off. but nay- you've done it now. I can't compete with this What about China? Have you seen the Great Wall? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
somehow I picture Raph over there scratching his head thinking, "What-duh? all THIS over a senryu?" smile... nodding knowingly. y'see? should you ever unleash...  |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
You're right Ser... I'm out of line..and nagging the pore guy over mere words.. but to me...it was never just about this poem, it was also about the words he ahsn't written, and the ones he will, and the people he'll touch with them and whether he knows it or not the lives he'll touch with them.. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
K knows me so well. Ron I can't seem to convince you that there's no intention, on my part, to block anything. Just because I don't post the long rambling vents i used to doesn't mean i don't write them. I just don't post them. When i 'post' I simply prefer to post effective pieces of poetry. There were a few months of absolutely crappy writing and thankfully a friend steered my back to writing poetry which i quite frankly wasn't. Yes, i know I'm hard on myself but that aside it they really were awful some of them. So i've made a concerted effort to reincorporate allegory, metaphor and cleaner breaks to make my poetry stronger. Simple as that. At the moment however I am limited by the muse or too preoccupied with staving off madness to write anything more than I have. So rather than continue with the same themes I'm attacking new ones. For the moment however I'm limited to writing these short pieces and that's fine for now. I'd rather post then not post at all. So again no conspiracy or intent on my part to hold back anything..they juices they no ah flowing at da moment. I'm incredibly flattered by the concern and all the response this has garnered but seriously can't understand the hoopla or how none of the things you mention apply to your current posting state neener...neener Can someone please post a thread trying to convince the cap how amazing and effective his writing is despite what he may think!? nuff said.."i got blisters on my fingerrrrrs!" |
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