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Open Poetry #28
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What Happens?
| Open Poetry #28 |
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What Happens? |
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yv Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574 |
What happens when the stars refuse to twinkle In this world of complete darkness? What happens when the moon forgets to creep over the hilltops In this world where mountains are hard to climb? What happens when the sun decides to no longer shine In this world where happiness is rare and no more? What happens when the flowers cease to grow In this world where thier only sustinance is the blood they are fed from war? What happens when the children of yesterday Grow into the adults of tomorrow still wandering? What happens when the rain falls slower The slowness tediously clawing at a lover's heart? What happens is this... We forget We forget that the stars twinkle for joy We forget that the moon creeps its crescent for love We forget that the sun shines for peace We forget that the flowers grow for life We forget that the children wander for reason We forget that the rain steadily beats as the beat of a lover's heart When we forget life in its essence We forget ourselves When we forget ourselves We forget love Without the remembrance of love Life can no longer peak Rain can no longer cleanse Children can no longer speak Flowers can no longer breath The sun can no longer heal The moon can no longer comfort The stars can no longer caress And when that happens I love you less and less That is why I left Because you forgot your tenderness So What happens now? Kiss... Goodbye... Walk away... Open the door... Turn around... Look last into your eyes... And as the door slowly closes What happens? No more yv P.S. I eagerly encourage constructive criticism. If you have any replies or any advice that you can give it is graciously appreciated. In this world of poetry I am still an apprentice. So teach me what must be taught. Thank you. yv [This message has been edited by yv (08-07-2003 12:13 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Camiele - All Rights Reserved | |||
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MARK V SHELDON Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015In a corporeal internship... |
I like this -- much wisdom in an interesting presentation. My only subjective advice would be this: In this stanza: And when that happens I love you less and less That is why I left Because you forget your tenderness I would change the third line to be in the present tense to keep the continuity flowing: "That is why I leave you now" and change "forget" to past tense "forgot" to imply a pattern of behavior that has repeated for some time in this relationship -- enough to cause one to finally decide to leave now. As I said: subjective, but that would be my only recommendation. Otherwise, a very nice write! -MVS You CAN make a difference: |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Enjoyed...tenderness is important...James |
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SharaRose Member Elite
since 2003-07-19
Posts 2501Somewhere out there~ |
Tenderness comes from a tender heart. If this is no longer it's obviously been damaged. Usually a flower doesnt die if it's watered, and nourished, and nurtured. You can't let something die, and expect it to shine. I loved this because it was like a happening...progressing as the emotions would in the situation. Of sound, and speech let all lift the hearer! |
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El_Campeador Senior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 761Ohio, USA |
Great job, I loved this, particularly these lines: "What happens is this... We forget We forget that the stars twinkle for joy We forget that the moon creeps its crescent for love We forget that the sun shines for peace We forget that the flowers grow for life We forget that the children wander for reason We forget that the rain steadily beats as the beat of a lover's heart" We have forgotten, to a large degree. May we remember again... “We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” –Robert Louis Stevenson |
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