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Open Poetry #27
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A Sestina (Serenity challenged me)
| Open Poetry #27 |
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A Sestina (Serenity challenged me) |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space 
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It's bloody horrible and something I will NEVER EVER try again. Took me forever and I lost it somewhere in the third or fourth stanza..stupid french troubadours and their sestinas!! Ah well I tried..grins ____________________________________________________ It's not you but the image I hate created by creations, distorted with time the shadows of a waking sun reveal secrets that once lay hidden in darkness troubling is this mortal path bound as if in haunted dream In innocence I ventured to dream of a world which bred love not hate long have I wandered along its path the scars of disillusion carved in time descending deep into the darkness of thoughts that I cannot reveal Only you know what I am loathe to reveal things that torture sleep and murder dream leaving me wide eyed in the darkness in pools of sweat, in pools of hate stumbling over the overgrowth, losing time to memories covering the path Through this tangle I have lost the path and crawl on hands and knees in pleads to reveal the answers that you leave hidden in time weary I fall into a troubled dream of rivers red where my reflection in hate laughs at me fromthe depths and darkness Awaken this heart in darkness or lead me once more towards the path How long have I been consumed by hate? lost at the crossroads that never reveal the answers that unlock this dream lost in questions lost in time For I have wasted too much time the hermit in shadow, lost in darkness immersed instead in mortal dreams that stray me from the truest path my lantern lit she stands before me to reveal the paths that lead through fields of hate And I with time, I walk the mater's path where through darkness there lay revealed the crown of dreams and death of hate [This message has been edited by Aenimal (06-27-2003 03:37 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 raphael giuffrida - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
ROTF....Raph....you're too cute. I'm coming back to this, I promise! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Raph... just goes to show..you can't and shouldn't listen to a brat... name one thing for me from france... one thing... that makes sense... LMAO Nice job bud... and better you than me... I hate sestinas.... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Raph? egads, man? I didn't think you would take me up on it!!! smiling... and yes, there is some error of form if I wanted to be persnickety? But I choose NOT as MINE, my one and only took three weeks and probably helped negotiate me on my wayward path of escape... Your content is sterling as ever, and I'm just sitting here having a good ole time today! Thank you, m'friend... love and a clink of mug to ya...  |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Thanks Sunshine see you later lol Cpat one thing..french fries..mmmm fries..actually their belgian aren't they? So why are they called..ah nevermind you were write lol Karen neither did lol..i then i said hey why not give it a try..what an idiot i am. No please tell me where I erred I had conflicting info on the form from one site to another. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Well, I'm not knowledgeable enough to be of much assistance, but... "leaving me wide eyed in the darkness in pools of sweat, in pools of hate" methinks the hatred precedes the dark? I do wish Nan were around, she is the resident expert...cause yanno? it taint ME.  |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
Sestina...I give up. I just learned the senryu! An awesome write no matter what you called it. Jason |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Now you are going to have me chart this out...Revenge must be sweet, eh? laughing... (pardon me while I stir with my toes...) let's see if I can find Nan's form to be sure. Hmmm...have you joined her workshop yet? |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
well I know something the french were good for  can't say that here..well I dun know if its actually well its the only french word I really know n/m  btw this was amazing you know what earlier today I was checking out different forms of poetry and I wanted to try one of these funky things..but I didn't..woah..kewl lol sorry being simple..If at first you don't succeed destroy all the evidence that you tried. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Nan's out watching Mysteria shop. BUT...from the Poetry Workshop, I'll tag this in.... /pip/Forum22/HTML/000553.html If we could JUST get Raph in to the Workshop....what FUN we could have with him!!!!!! I'll be back [she threatens, yet again!] |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Jason I tried..lol never again Karen according to the site I was on it says First stanza, ..1 ..2 ..3 ..4 ..5 ..6 Second stanza, ..6 ..1 ..5 .. 2 ..4 ..3 Third stanza, ..3 ..6 ..4 ..1 ..2 ..5 Fourth stanza, ..5 ..3 ..2 ..6 ..1 ..4 Fifth stanza, ..4 ..5 ..1 ..3 ..6 ..2 Sixth stanza, ..2 ..4 ..6 ..5 ..3 ..1 Concluding tercet: middle of first line ..2, end of first line ..5 middle of second line ..4, end of second line..3 middle if third line ..6, end of third line ..1 So i dunno..all I know is I'm done lol Kris thanks Karilea not bloody likely lol..least not anytime soon I'm sticking to free verse with the occasional departure |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*smacking my head* as if it wasn't confusing enough--and, groan, add the iambic pentameter and you can write yourself into a straight jacket. You are a most valient knight, my friend! I curtsey. |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
"Only you know what I am loathe to reveal things that torture sleep and murder dream leaving me wide eyed in the darkness in pools of sweat, in pools of hate stumbling over the overgrowth, losing time to memories covering the path Through this tangle I have lost the path and crawl on hands and knees in pleads to reveal the answers that you leave hidden in time" wow, this is incredible! I really really like this  |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Nay a problem and as for iambic pantowhatever i invoke poetic licensce besides we modern poets break rules! I'm a bad boy rebel poet..ah whatever SEA appreciate a should have kept a few and dumped the rest..grin |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
It's not you but the image I hate created by creations, distorted with time the shadows of a waking sun reveal secrets that once lay hidden in darkness troubling is this mortal path bound as if in haunted dream In innocence I ventured to dream of a world which bred love not hate long have I wandered along its path the scars of disillusion carved in time descending deep into the darkness of thoughts that I cannot reveal ============================== Well I dont know a sestina from a siesta, but I know Im diggin this write... very cool vocabulary, verbiage and phrasing..as well as the haunting, dark surreal imagery and expression...this is a melancholy masterpiece. Well done poet sir! And KA...I remember yours...it rocked... time for a repost...or write a new one. All I can feel is this distance between you and me. |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
oh, what an incredible write...we get to chose and you chose to be your own person, thoughts, and not a follower, but truly independent, with steadfast hope, faith and love.....bravo...this was excellent! |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Thanks JM nice of you to say LeeJ appreciate it! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ok...finally back. Whew.... and as for the read... and honesty. You ARE brutal in your writing, you never seem to let up the whip on your own back. And I have to admire someone who stands up and says "this is how I feel" and takes whatever comes. I haven't hit that level yet...probably because I was raised as one of those "don't say anything that you can't take back" and "turn the other cheek" sort of folk.... but that doesn't keep me from admiring those that can. Do. Say. Stand tall. So while this might not be a sestina in all it's required form [and for goodness' sake, don't ask me, because I tried very hard and failed...] at least it DOES show what is in you....and the honesty carries the poem. As it always does. |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
more courage than i...h |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Raph - this is absolutely amazing I am so proud of you for writing this and it embodies all of your writes truly I knew you had this in you somewhere and glad you did this . . . goes to show how talented you are The sestina does NOT have to be in iambic that is only for strict interpretations. What is written here is a modernization. The form is correct - the numbering scheme is the heart of the sestina. One of the most time consuming and hardest forms to write in Amazing me still Raph . . . xxoo |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Btw...I forgot to mention that I LOVED this stanza: "For I have wasted too much time the hermit in shadow, lost in darkness immersed instead in mortal dreams that stray me from the truest path my lantern lit she stands before me to reveal the paths that lead through fields of hate" You really are quite the poet. Challenge answered my dear friend...and btw? When I wrote mine? I had to write it backwards! But then, I was born that way m'self--so go figger... I think you did a wonderful job, and iambic pentameter? Don't ask me, I was just told that MY sestina wasn't either! sheesh. Picky, picky, poets, eh? |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
For I have wasted too much time the hermit in shadow, lost in darkness immersed instead in mortal dreams that stray me from the truest path my lantern lit she stands before me to reveal the paths that lead through fields of hate And I with time, I walk the mater's path where through darkness there lay revealed the crown of dreams and death of hate Well, goofy me  has no earthly idea what the thing is, but I do know that I love these words....all of them, but this part especially. Foot, I have enough trouble doing thd ricta thingys, I know that I'm not going to attempt this. Besides, I can't speak French...  LOLEthel |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Karilea me brutal about my writing? Never..ok maybe sometimes..ok alot lol Thanks for the replies grins H nah just stubborn I was challeneged afterall Thanks Sue i dont care about the rules anymore all i know is never again lol..bloody hell Free verse is da bomb K knew you would as i was writing it i thought about it you reading that and smiled cause I knew youd KNOW..grins Oops you snuck in there while i was writing, thanks Ethel and you can give it a try just have tylenol and a hockey helmet ready for banging your head against the wall [This message has been edited by Aenimal (06-27-2003 11:31 PM).] |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
thank you raffi, for making me feel like a pathetic soccermom attempting to write poetry......... simply beatuiful and dark, just like you |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Very nice work Don't know how anyone could write anything, while wearing those shackles. Much less, SAY something. You did well! Ed |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
i know this is a blast from the past comming up, but i was just looking at others sestinas, trying to get some inspration, and i gotta say i am not sure if i am getting more or less motavated to finish mine... "For those who understand you, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, none is possible." |
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