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Open Poetry #27
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The Superficial Satisfaction Of Goodbye
| Open Poetry #27 |
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The Superficial Satisfaction Of Goodbye |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows 
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Butterfly you flew away this morning but I don't think I'll miss you very much, you thought your only freedom was in leaving, you didn't like the limits on my life, you said the world you live in is around you, you'd cry about yourself but lost the tears.... Butterfly you flew away this morning but I don't think I'll miss you very much, you wear amazing beauty when I watch you, but we both know your heart breaks when it's touched. ©2003 by icebox |
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| © Copyright 2003 icebox - All Rights Reserved | |||
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
"but we both know your heart breaks when it's touched" duh-duh-ammmmmm !!! |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Hey H stole my damn..um..I got no words now..dang just doesn't cut it and I can't type the other words for fer of getting booted grin awesome write |
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Patricia Member Elite
since 2003-04-06
Posts 2160Missouri |
Butterfly you flew away this morning but I don't think I'll miss you very much, you wear amazing beauty when I watch you, but we both know your heart breaks when it's touched. OK, Ice, you hit a little too close to home here.  Patricia |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
1slick_lady ~ Very eloquent! Thank you. *smile* Aenimal ~ Well, gee willikers! I still appreciate your comment. *grin* Patricia ~ I'm sorry Ma'am; I never meant any harm. Forgive me? |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
so beautifully sad to my heart...great write |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
but we both know your heart breaks when it's touched. such fragile fear.... like what this does Mr Ice... and like how you did it... |
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gemjop Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587Pencilveinia, USA |
ice, this is touching, to say the least. so glad you came to this forum, many times, you've had me speechless. |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
passing shadows ~ Thank you for reading my poem. I never mean to add to the sadness in your heart. Cpat Hair ~ Thank you for taking time to read my poem and for your comment. gemjop ~ Thank you for reading my work and for making me feel welcome. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
love the way you gave those fragile wings a gentle lift |
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daniel_martin Junior Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 30london |
very lyrical. good rhythm, good use of line breaks, and this is part of the poem stands out: "you'd cry about yourself but lost the tears...." all in all, a tidy poem, that doesn't really need a critique. (am i meant to critique here guys? i've been doing so, and got some arsey responses) |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
it is a good sadness |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
This reminds me of a woman I know...she acts like an animal backed into a corner if she even thinks about losing her freedom...which no one is trying to take from her...but apparantly she felt she lost her freedom many years ago in the confines of a marriage and so flew the coup...her own personal battle...James |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
'Butterfly you flew away this morning but I don't think I'll miss you very much' I usually say that and I'm usually wrong...  |
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Laqe Member
since 2003-06-15
Posts 72Michigan, US |
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for posting this. Nixa, Laq |
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BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
you wear amazing beauty when I watch you, but we both know your heart breaks when it's touched. *extraordinary* The ending in our poetry is important, (in my book) as is the closure of our encounters. Happy day icebox~ |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
You did an excellent job of penning the fragile butterfly...which could have been a lover as well. perhaps fearful of being too close to another... Nice write, thank you. |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
you wear amazing beauty when I watch you, but we both know your heart breaks when it's touched. Wow, this is incredible. I'm not sure what it is about it that got me so much, maybe it's because it's so close to what I'm like, but I'm putting this one into my library. Thank you for the read  |
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NickTofteland Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 74MN, USA |
What to say that hasn't been said already? Great work, thank you for sharing. Psalms 20:7 "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." |
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CocoBaci Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 3043 |
Fantastic writing... Enjoyed reading your poem very very much... Smiles2uPoetFriend IceBox *~coco~* |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I've never been good at goodbyes, m'self. There is a lot to ponder in so few words as always. Beautiful AND untouchable. smile. |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
you wear amazing beauty when I watch you, but we both know your heart breaks when it's touched. those last lines stick with me...ohh damn I hate not knowing what to say, ugh sorry...how about it makes me think and reminds me of something some1 has said 2 me and now i'm off to drown my emotions in some koolaid/rum If at first you don't succeed destroy all the evidence that you tried. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
icebox Very poignant, and written with excellent timing....right up to the heart catching end. Are you also a musician? |
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Honeybunch Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-29
Posts 7115South Africa |
It's such a shame that people can't be open to each other and at the same time not deny themselves. We touch and retreat - scared perhaps of "love" for however brief the encounter yet to love is one of the greatest gifts bestowed on mankind. We don't value it enough and watch it flitter by acknowledged and then dismissed. Thank you, Icebox, for sharing your gift of words. |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
Midnitesun ~ When the leaving is driven by fear, help in going is all that can be given. Thank you for reading my poem and for your comment. daniel_martin ~ Thank you. I agree that those things are great poetic tools, though sometimes hard (for me) to use. passing shadows ~ *grin* Someday, I would like to hear that you were seen dancing joyfully! Thank you for reading my poem and for taking time to comment. JamesMichael ~ I have been very fortunate in this life in having know, loved and been loved by many strong women. Sometimes though it is that very strength which causes them to run. Thank you for your comments. Duncan ~ *laugh* Yes, I have messed up that one also. Laqe ~ Well, thank you for taking time to tell me you liked it. *smile* BluesSerenade ~ Thank you for reading this. I lost track of the comments on this until it popped up again. I am glad you liked it. You are right about closure. Magnus ~ Well, it certainly could have been many things. Thank you for taking time to remind me. *smile* Skyfire ~ I am glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading and for your comment. NickTofteland ~ *smile* Thank you for taking the time to let me know! I appreciate it. CocoBaci ~ Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it. serenity blaze ~ Hmmm...yes, well, goodbyes are not something I generally do. If I leave, I just disappear. I never expect to be missed anyway. Thank you for reading and for your comment. Ceinwyn ~ *Laugh* You said a lot! Thank you. (Be careful of that koolaid; it's a killer.) Martie ~ *smile* Well...some words seem to choose themselves. I am never sure how that happens. Sometimes I finish a piece in my editor and after I have pasted it into the posting page here, just before I hit the submit button, I change a word or a phrase, or re-write an entire verse. Sometimes it is even in one of those "divided awareness" states, like I am watching myself do it. Musician? No, not really. I love music and have it in my head all the time, but I have some bad wiring in my brain which does not allow me to learn to read music. I have tried. I play synthesized keyboard/flute sometimes, but it is totally improv. I have been told it is frightening to listen, but I do not know why. I have been known to play harmonica outside in hurricanes - I have a special "echo" harp just for that purpose; it is two sided and the storm plays one side while I play the other. I have been told that is the music of true madness. Once, I built a balalaika from scratch because of an urge and the feeling that I "should" be able to play it. When it was finished, I played it one night when I thought I was alone. It seemed like I played for hours and to me it sounded familiar, like wild dance music. There was another person in the house and they later asked who was playing the gypsy dance music? *laugh* I was never able to play it again; my fingers just would not do it right. Honeybunch ~ Hi Helen, as always you give me more than I present. *smile* You are so right! True love is a frightening thing for most people. It seems to me sometimes that people are terrified of feeling that much joy; so, they run right up to it, then run away. Thank you for your insight and friendship. |
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