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Multiple Divorce
| Philosophy 101 |
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Multiple Divorce |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida 
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Just curious as to the consensus... When someone tells you they are divorced, two, three, four times...what is your first thought? is there a cut off for how many times before it's assumed that one person over the other is more at fault? I have a friend that is currently in his 3rd marriage..he actually hides the number telling everyone that this is his 2nd marriage...... So what do you think? "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I think it depends on the length of the marriages.. but I also wonder when someone has never been married because depending on their age they can be very set in their ways and prefer going home alone. Some people just aren't marriage material...whatever that means  A good question  M |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
The divorces wouldn't bother me. The fact that he is a liar would, though. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
a great answer Karen.. I wouldnt have thought of that..but its because I am too trusting I guess.  M |
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
Not really on topic, just a thought. After 28 years of marriage, I do not see the point in doing it again, unless of course I wear the first one out.....  |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
You make me laugh John...or he could be wearing me out but not in a good way~~ M |
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LadyTom Member
since 2008-02-29
Posts 353LA, CA |
quote: If someone tells me this, I will say directly to her/him, "wow, you must be deeply flawed somewhere. But either go back to EX or find another one, just don't whine". Some people work on length of the relationship. Some works on numbers of it. Either way, one has to work hard to meet the human basic need...to love and to be loved. The more complicated side, there is strong emotional storms in bad relationship and it gets all related people in, esp parents, children. Divorced adults have all possible ways to adjust the hurt. But children don't. They just get hurt. About the lying... any time it is bad. |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
"wow, you must be deeply flawed somewhere." Wow.... guess I don't need to wonder why he would lie then... For me, that quote gives me strength...judgement always does. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
M~ you have no idea how precise you are about the not ever having been married thing...you hit the nail on the head... you are a smart woman.Karen~ hi lovie! Although most often I would agree with you, this guy has been a friend of mine for 16 yrs and he really doesn't mean to deceive, he is just tired of being judged. Although, for me, I couldn't lie, and lying is something I usually will not tolerate, I do understand where he is coming from. Thank you for all the other replies. I think I was looking to see if there were people that thought like Lady Tom...and I see there are. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
My thoughts are negative about that itself, but not about the person. It is as a parent feeling bad about his child getting F's at school. But it doesn't stop me from still having hope and possibly the greatest affection for that person. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Oh he's not without my sympathy. Whenever you have any kind of a psat, you have to make some kinda decision of laying it all out on the table. Say, if someone asked me out to dinner (in one of my wild "single again" fantasy scenarios) and the guy blurts that out while we are perusing the menu, I'd probably say something like, "Well should I order to GO?" *laughing* The problem he has is not WHAT to say--we all know he's gotta tell the truth--but when to say it. There is no more chilling moment than to fall in love with someone and hear: "There's something I've got to tell you." yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh buddy. And I just read this again, and the guy is still married in his third, but SHE knows, right? I amend my opinion as long as she knows. The guy doesn't have anything to explain to anybody, otherwise. I'm actually a little confused as to how it would come up in onversation. Has somebody asked if she was the starter wife. the movin' up wife, or the really understanding one? *lmao* |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
LOL yes she knows. But I wish I hadn't put that example in there, it completely took away from what I was really looking for.... "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
oh man... laughing PSAT First I read it wrong, then I type it wrong, and now I think I'm just gonna take another vow of silence.  Sheesh. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
AND "onversation." OH I like that one. I never could shaddup. "onversation." oooops See? My vow lasted, how long? Somebody do the math for me before I muck it up again!  Karen exits, shaking her head and muttering...."onversations"! HEH. |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Some of my best moments in life K have been onversations actually.As for being judged for multiple marriages or lack of, I have to wonder which of these is worse. Having been married four times to find out that you are just not marrying material, or in fact they know you have been married four times, but still they persist. Wonder why they can't figure out you are not marrying material, and should stay away before they become number five!  I sort of know this one. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Then there is the "nonversation". *chuckling* A certain guy offered that contribution, so I have to give credit where it is due. *sneaky smooches* to my nonversationalist! grins |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Maybe his biggest crime is making poor choices. The fact that he lies about the number of marriages is sad and, I think, stupid - but maybe he is ashamed of being stupid. I have a friend who is afraid to marry for a third time. His first wife cheated on him when he was in the Coast Guard years ago. His second wanted a divorce the day that they found out their application for adoption was approved. She took the young child they conceived together, adopted the other child and moved on. Of course, I only hear one side of the story, but, he has become one of my best friends living with my other best friend. He makes my friend happy. He has shown me nothing but a desire to be honest and to do right. He is also my boss. He is a wondeful father who participates fully in the raising of his son. He also cares very much for the adopted son his ex-wife has. So, now he is in this great relationship - afraid to take the next step. Maybe there is no easy answer to your question, Susan. Who knows why people divorce? Who knows why some people get together in the first place? Sometimes the first mistake can never be corrected. Interesting questions to consider. Maybe divorce is too easy an answer to sometimes temporary problems. Alison |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Alison ~ just thank you. At least you give me hope that there are people out there that consider other reasons. Karen~ this "nonversation" you speak of, I do not know of...unless I am upset..then I nonversate all over the place.  Duncan should be in on this... "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
quote: I have a dear relative that went through four marriages...and stopped looking. That's when her last husband of 30 years found her, and treated her as she never could have imagined. Soul mates do exist. Sometimes we work too hard on trying to find them. No, Susan, your friend should be honest with the numbers. Tell him what counts more is the fact that he continues to have hope that he might find a woman that will work at marriage, but only if he's willing to do the same. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Susan: RE: "When someone tells you they are divorced, two, three, four times...what is your first thought?" My first thought is, "me, too!" My first marriage, to my high school sweetheart, lasted 10 years. Ten years after that, I remarried. Lasted 12 unpleasant months. My third marriage has lasted 18 years so far. I don't feel a need to lie about the number to anyone. I particularly don't feel a need to lie about it to another woman, since there ain't one, and I ain't looking. People do make seem to make judgements about "divorce" though, just as they make judgements about everything else. I tell wife Deb, only half in jest, that I married her for her record collection. I look at that as an affirmation of the "soul mate" possibility. Best, Jimbeaux |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
In light of these times with sensitivity to recycling - how wonderful it is to not always go for the fresh and new person to spend our lives with. Some of the most interesting people come with a past and a life (maybe more than one life) with another - we can always consider ourselves doing the best for our emotional environment and understand that their past helps make them the people we love today. A [This message has been edited by Alison (03-11-2008 11:19 PM).] |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
lol I like that. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Susan, I kinda changed the post that I think you responded to as I was emailed that it could beconsidered hurtful. Didn't see that myself, but what the heck .. it's not that hard to try to spare someone's feelings, I guess. A |
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LadyTom Member
since 2008-02-29
Posts 353LA, CA |
Everybody has a conscience. Everybody has a point of time to nakedly, deeply self reflect. We all know what we have done and what we have said Only we don't understand why other is hurting. |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Well... I am 21 years old and on my 2nd marriage. I was 17 when I married my first husband... I dropped out of school to have my baby girl and be a wife. I tried to give him the world but at the same time we were from two different worlds. He ended up leaving me for another woman after about a year. Emmaleigh was still so tiny I had to be mama and daddy at 18 years old and it scared the hell out of me. On to number 2... Ultimately, I had to do the best thing for my child. I felt like it was my fault her daddy walked away from her and it was my place to make sure she never had to ask me why that man didn't love her enough to even call or send her a birthday card. The best friend. A big mistake... He is a good father despite the fact that she's not his, he don't see it that way. We've been married almost 2 years now but every day I regret it more and more. I still have too much to do in my own life. I know now that I don't need a man to depend on. Just because I quit school dosn't mean I can't be an example to my little girl. And Heath will always be daddy to her no matter what happens between us. I am going to school now for elementry edu. So... I don't believe being married 2 or 3 times is a bad thing.. The first one was totally out of my control... I begged him to stay. He signed over his parental rights and everything... I still don't understand it but it's something I live with everyday. On the other hand my husband now gives me the world and I just look at it and hand it back. It's like my heart is just numb. You can't help the way you feel. Like someone said before, everyone does things for different reasons and we can't even explain it ourselve most of the time. |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Alison, I am certainly not sure how that could hurt someones feeling...a few posts up hurt my feelings and that didn't warrant an email... *shrug* guess someone knows better than I what is PC and what isn't. I thought it was a good point done in humor. I guess the divorce rate isn't the only problem if we lose all humor too. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Jessica~ *hugs* you are going to be alright. it happens to a lot of us..no matter what age or circumstance. You already know what is most important..the children. This is why I try not to judge, you just never know the situation. My friend? I tease him, but honestly, I couldn't care less...I know him, good, bad and the in between...and I suppose that people that know me will think the same way. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
The Generalization: Track Records are important The Exception Clause: The past is not all important In searching for a life-mate you still have to really get to know a person, weigh their character, and make sure marriage means to them something like what it means to you. I intentionally married a woman who chose to delete the word "divorce" from her working vocabulary. Self made amnesiacs, we don't know what it means. We may be tempted to kill each other from time to time, but there is literally no exit but death. Uh... the natural kind. Sounds rough I know. But it's not really Sartrean if our hearts may be kept soft and tended by some unseen grace. The company then, is good. Wish you the best in your search, if that's what you're doing. Stephen |
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