Three Poems...be as critical as you can. :-)

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davidmerriman
Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 123
Dallas, TX

0 posted 2003-04-30 08:49 PM

Hey everyone!
Here is a selection from my poetry, I would appreciate any comments, and be as critical as you can.

Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read one of these poems.

All of my poems are right here: http://home.attbi.com/~fizinch/

A Wonderful, Worthless Debate

Am I the exalted eye,
And are you but the lips?
And have you but any ears
To absorb my petty flit?

And do you think and ponder daily
Of why you breathe and choke?
Why, you do not, while I stand greedy,
Absorbing what you hope.

And I am right and are you wrong?
Yes, for even your breath reeks.
You think not, and blindly go on,
While I look at your shadowy peaks.

Laugh, laugh you do at my wisdom,
And laugh, for you know you are wrong.
Deep down in your head, unsure gun.
A Surefire only when wrong.

And me, my thoughts a mesh of wrongs,
That I slapped together in defense.
Forged out of fire by hardened tongs,
A Trojan bit of nonsense.

And you go on and on and on.
And I win and you win, for we
Were singing each other a song,
This debate of beautiful wrong.

Trees

My love sprawls with the roots of the trees.
From unexpected seeds my love once came.
Now nothing utters from my lips,
Without love laced between your name.
At one time, each word was priceless.
Each moment time ticked away.
Doomsday, looming the day of destruction,
When the trees would no longer stand,
When they would rot in a desolate land.
The future was the only obstruction,
Blocking the beautiful view of scenery
That existed between you and me.
Years together, a life together.
Time is no boundary to a tree,
Who lives a thousand years in his strong trunk.
His sloping branches leave room for growth.
Its roots lie strong and deeply sunk.
And this majestic beast only halts
Under an evil oath of human faults.
An ax blow dealing its great base in
Face in the dirt, lying crying in hurt,
While the roots remain planted in earth.

But – like a ray of light that shimmers
In all its grandeur, a beam pure and true.
Reflecting off the leaves of the trees
As it eases through the dark forest's hue.
Breaking its way a path through uncertainty
Carving off small shards to leave
To those who refused to believe
That there once did not exist
This spectacular beauty of a tree.
Sprawling gigantic, all were awestruck to meet
And they found the taste of the leaves
Syrupy sweet, a lovely treat.
And in the clear, I finally come near,
Deeply rooted in my position.
No opposition, no foul heart,
Nothing will tear us apart.
Nothing will uproot this great tree
Of a thousand years standing.
A hundred tears water its roots
As they fall from the sky in parachutes,
Tied together by the string of love,
Happiness radiating in the sky above.
As the blue sky clashes into the green,
Leaving a line of color to be seen.
Shooting its rays into the sun,
I know that you’re the one.

A Prophet to the Erosion of Man

Bow to me, you static sucking fools,
For I am vision and clarity.
I am the Alpha and the Omega.
I am a God for your charity.

And let me enlighten you worthless slugs
Who slime across a concrete ground.
A graveyard for past life and growth,
Now an infestation of light and sound.

So let me use your own instrument
Of the wicked marks upon trees you favor.
And let me wage war upon your love
Of rationalizing why you raped her.

You did, you did, to your own mother!
She loved you, birthed you, did no wrong!
But here you stand, after you've smothered
Her gasping lips with bellows of smog.

And each year, you gluttonous leeches
Eat to your death with glee.
While your mother will get her revenge,
Killing you off; slowly, swiftly.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2003-04-30 09:35 PM

Welcome, David, to Passions in Poetry. No need to push a number of poems into one post; but we do have some rules and regs as to posting, so you may want to visit the Members Area/Help and read up on how we do things around here. But I am very glad to be one of the first to Welcome you aboard! Please, check your e-mail for a Special Greeting!

Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen?

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

2 posted 2003-05-01 12:24 PM

Welcome to Passions, David. Well, there's quite a bag of metaphors and thoughts all thrown together here. I'll have to come back to these when I'm more awake tomorrow, but wanted you to know I read them. (The last one bites.)

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

3 posted 2003-05-01 12:45 PM

Welcome, David. I hope you enjoy your stay here at Passions.

If you ask for critical review, I hope you mean it...

In your first poem, the syllable counts per line and the accents of the syllables are very erratic and lead to a very uneven flow. In addition, there are several "bad" rhymes.....lips-flit...choke-hope...wrong-wrong.

In the last stanza you deviate by changing the rhyme scheme from a-b-c-b to a-b-c-c. In some stanzas you rhyme the first and third lines and in some you don't.

In "Trees" I cannot follow the rhyme scheme at all. There are instances where the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme and then change to couplets rhyming and it makes the poem very hard to follow.

The third poem basically receives the same comments as the first, with the fluctuations of the syllable counts and the "almost" rhymes.....favor-raped her....wrong-smog...glee-swiftly.

The contents of your poems are noteworthy and, with a little work on the structure and basics of rhyming poetry I'm sure you are capable of producing some excellent material. There are plenty of folks here who will help you as much as you like. Besy of luck to you!

Write on!

Justbleu
Member Elite

since 1999-08-31

Posts 3329
Oregon, Originally From Alaska :)

4 posted 2003-05-01 02:07 AM

The critical analysis forum would be perfect for you!!!! Hope you enjoy it here!!!!
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!
Bridgette

"Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again. To hold someone, not for a moment but forever." Unknown

davidmerriman
Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 123
Dallas, TX

5 posted 2003-05-01 07:02 PM

thank you all for the welcome, and thank you Balladeer for the comments, they were very useful.

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

6 posted 2003-05-01 09:00 PM

Welcome David.

I'm sorry I missed your first post, but glad to have read it today.
I would love to see these pieces separate...there is such feeling to discover, and such good strong descriptions.

A clearer read in one write to a post.
Look forward to more of your works. ThisDiamond

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

7 posted 2003-05-05 01:50 AM

(smiles) Oh David, I love all these wonderful poems you've packed in this special debut, sweet friend, I am not the critiquing type because I believe all that is honest and heart-written is genuine and the best poetry possible, yet if you are still desperate for critique there are many among this coterie of friendly poets who'd be delighted to help! Welcome to Passions, sweet David, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! I can't wait to read more of your lovely words, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet David, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story

***Shakira***

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