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Open Poetry #26
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This Must be Love
| Open Poetry #26 |
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This Must be Love |
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yv Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574 |
Heart pounding Faster than the wings of a dove So intense This must be love Falling like waterfalls From rains up above Falling so hard This must be love Eyes watering At the sound of his call So emotional Love must be all As for my heart It breaks when he's gone Tender sadness As the break of the dawn I see his image My cheeks glow crimson Yet my mind does not feel To my heart it will not listen So now I sit Alone at the stove Alone and untouched Still must be love It's easier to fall Than to recover from the shove Able to take pain? Obviously it's love So what is it then When darkness is light? When you pray for the end of day And yearn for the night? What is it then When birds sing? As summer breaks the roll of lakes And softer whispers does the wind bring? 'Tis love my friend Pure and true So I'll wait until one day he says "I love you" yv *side note: My first ryhming poem. So, please, let me know what you think. Love it or hate it, let me know and please feel free to critique as you see fit. yv |
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| © Copyright 2003 Camiele - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Very nice and it sounds like love to me. Joyce |
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QjQ Member Elite
since 2003-04-18
Posts 3756U.S.A. |
good work,,, Poetry is a vision that portrays ones impressions.QjQ |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
I often wonder if these things are love or are they a process of caring we are going through to build a foundation for love...only you know your heart...James |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Oops... double post.. ignore this one [This message has been edited by Master (06-04-2003 06:41 PM).] |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Not bad for the first attempt, but it does sound forced. You got the rhymes, but the rhythm gets lost in the poem. If you're just trying rhyme for the first time, I would suggest to try to keep the lines about the same length. Just as an example, the first stanza Heart pounding Faster than the wings of a dove So intense This must be love would read better as: Heart beating faster Than wings of a dove So strong and intense This has to be love PS: If you'd like email at [email protected] and I can go over the rest of it with you. Later, and good luck. Check out my poetry here: |
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yv Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574 |
Thank you so much Master. As I said before (if you've read my reply to one of your poems), you are the master and I bow down at your feet. So, thank you. I'll work intensely on this ryhme thing. I've never really been used to that. Again, thanks. Junior Member, yv |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
liked this a lot |
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Patricia Member Elite
since 2003-04-06
Posts 2160Missouri |
I think you did a great job with your rhymes. When I do rhyming poems...which is almost of the time, I can't help it, even when I try not to rhyme it happens, I look at my lines so that they are the same length...but then I go back and reread (several times) looking for rhythm. Do I get iambic pentameter...no, I really must work on that. However, you expressed yourself perfectly. Please note: I am just beginning again with my writing. The above is simply the way I do things. More you write, though, the better your flow. But of rhymes somtimes, Well, you must let go. Good write.  Patricia |
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El_Campeador Senior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 761Ohio, USA |
Good poem for a first try at rhyming. Some of the rhymes sound a little forced, but all in all you did a good job. Keep up the writing! ~El Campeador “We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” –Robert Louis Stevenson |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
yv - if this is your first rhyming poem, then please write more of them. It's a soft romantic write... BC |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoyed  |
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dani Junior Member
since 2003-05-10
Posts 46 |
your rhymes flowed nicely but the end did sound a little forced because of the longer lines how many ways to say i love u... just 1... you make me want to die |
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