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| Open Poetry #26 |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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His close friends are those who will lend him a few bucks and not expect it to be returned He will reciprocrate likewise Once, when I stayed in his village, a Vietnamese boy rode me to his haunt We then played Fifa 98, me less concerned about scoring goals than trying to grasp the enormity of this timeless moment~ that two guys made a connection without intelligent communication as a catalyst He thinks that it isn't possible to make lasting friends in junior college He's only 17 I feel sorry for the people in FRIENDS because I suspect their friendships may be like well worn wallets that one can't bear to replace, having lost his resilience against change Two siblings with their various takes on friendship Living under the same roof with their paths never crossed |
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| © Copyright 2003 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
you know, I've noticed that you're getting better at this "abstract" quality with your work. . . this, is well done. . . a moment, but yet, not really. . . captured. . . almost framed. . . but, never really solid. . . does that make sense?? well done my friend. . . ------------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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QjQ Member Elite
since 2003-04-18
Posts 3756U.S.A. |
very interesting write It matters not how you answer, It matters only that i hear you. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
OK, kaile, my kaile folder is bulging!  I agree with Sven, your abstracts are getting better and better. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
kaile: this is amazing - here I see a different twist - as I always do - the two men - a bond that they dont even see this write brought to a place I otherwise would not have traveled thank you xxoo |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
'Tis easy for two to live under the same roof and fail to connect - You're so right, kaile...  Looking forward to connecting words...  |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
I am often too lazy to type personal replies but your wonderful comments got me so psyched up that I simply had to set my mind and body into coordination mode and say thank you Sven, it didn't make sense initially but I thought about your words and i think i see where you are coming from...(in any case, i like what i derived from them  )...thanks for thinking that i'm getting better and you made me feel so good to know that there are people within these blue pages that may have noted my progression over the yearsQjQ, thanks for the "very interesting".. Kacy, wow, i'm so flattered and flabbergasted...i didn't even know you had a kaile folder...this is probably not good for my bloated ego though littlewing, i have just travelled to these sort of places recently and thanks for coming along with me and for your interest Nan, i fear not because i'm so irritatingly darned passive! but i shall keep your words in mind and try at least to make things work out... thanks all |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
neat write |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Kaile, well, what's been said above. And a little note: your poem seems to have the flow of scattered thoughts which are finally tied down by a common link. THIS is good stuff! It's reflective [to me] that in this way, you find pieces of your self you didn't even know existed [talking "you" in general - I could be looking in a mirror right now!  ]I have a Kaile box. I do so enjoy your writings! Hugs...  |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoyed |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Yep, friends like worms in a worm farm....such togetherness.... Good work! ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Kaile, Smiles at the replies and yours back. I have always enjoyed your poetry and this is no exception. Glad to see you here. Hugs, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thinking of revising this |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
I see what you are trying to achieve but the result just seems to skip about a little aimlessly, and it does so with some serious grammatical and punctuation flaws. The only part that really sings for me is S2, but even that stanza gets a little inelegant toward the end. I would say if you can tighten up S2, especially the the last few lines ... something like : Two guys forging a connection so readily, between their alien realities. ...it would stand far stronger as a poem on its own than it does buried in the rest of the fluff. ixoxo MadameXCFO this seems to be pieces of something. There isnt very much connecting the verses to each other other than the vague idea that each verse is about some aspect of friendship. and this might just be MY take, but it also seems to be out of order in a 'chronologica'l fashion- maybe the sibling verse coming first, then the first verse, then the verse about junior college ( though these two could be switched or combined) then the verse about the friends show THEN finish up with the Vietnamese verse which will leave you with a much stronger ending in those last two lines. Hope something I said helps. Kim Dirk Wojtczack this could be tighten up, there are references to He, I, the local lad, and friends, and there's no connectivity..........it has potential I think some formatting and some trimming might help this poem, and perhaps the title might be "Parallel Lines," since they never cross. If you indented S2 and S2, making the shift in viewpoint explicit in format as well as in words, the dialog would be apparent immediately, preparing the reader for the frequent shifts. S1 reads well, as is. S2, on the other hand, might benefit from a more direct and concise presentation. Here are some inline suggestions that you might want to consider. [delete]] (add) Once, [when I stayed] in a Vietnamese village, [a local lad rode me to his haunt] I [then] played Fifa 98 with [him] (a local lad), [less concerned about scoring goals than] trying to grasp the enormity of [this timeless moment~ that] two guys forg[ed](ing) a connection [so readily], despite being affiliated to different languages and realities I'd suggest only minor changes in S3. "He thinks it's impossible" in line 1, or maybe "he thinks one can't." In S4, I'd once again suggest more trimming. I [feel sorry for[ (pity) the people in FRIENDS [because I suspect their] (whose) friendships may be like well worn wallets [that] one can't bear to replace, having lost [his] resilience [against] (to) change The shift from "against" to "to" seems logically necessary to me. A resiliance against change implies that one has the ability to resist it, and I don't think you mean that the characters have lost resistance to change so much as that they have lost the ability to do so. I'm not sure you need the last strophe. The poem clearly shows the non-intersection of ideas, and the detail about being siblings under the same roof may not be essential. If you truly want the close family relationship to be explicit, you might shift that information to the title. Something like "Divergent Siblings" perhaps. I like the poem and its portrayal of contrasting viewpoints. Melody |
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