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Open Poetry #26
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Windy
| Open Poetry #26 |
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Windy |
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Starsfalling Member
since 2003-03-18
Posts 94some where deep in the shadows |
thoughts... of a most mysterious girl she's stolen away the shadows and asked are you breathing? when unresponsive, she blew the life of wind and the wind of life right into my heart let me see you, was all she asked for.. stepping from the shadows, i was most privellaged to see her beautiful face I breath now.. was all i could muster and now i live, every moment is happier than the last the wind flows to me and from me critiques are wanted and encouraged -lance There is no peace among the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods |
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| © Copyright 2003 Lance Keber - All Rights Reserved | |||
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QjQ Member Elite
since 2003-04-18
Posts 3756U.S.A. |
good write |
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Starsfalling Member
since 2003-03-18
Posts 94some where deep in the shadows |
thought i swore.. and that they were gona send me yet another email about it... but i looked over it and saw that i hadnt thank you |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Poem's good as it stands, and could be a home run.... thoughts... of a most mysterious girl If you think about it, you might decide these two lines aren't needed at all....they set the stage, but the next line starts the flow of imagery, and it's so strong it needs no setting -- or stage. she's stolen away the shadows and asked are you breathing? when unresponsive, This line needs to be more obviously about you, so the reader can't mistake the reference as being to her. she blew the life of wind and the wind of life right into my heart Chop "right" right out of there -- it's extra and the line flows better without it. Also, need a sense break after this line, so it doesn't try to join with the next. let me see you, was all she asked for.. "all she asked" is what I'd say (and I wish I had...this is good) stepping from the shadows, i was most privellaged to see her beautiful face You don't have to say she's beautiful or that seeing her is a privilege, when the next line says it so powerfully without coming out and stating it... I'd consider dropping both words. I breath now.. was all i could muster and now i live, every moment is happier than the last the wind flows to me and from me To me and from me... It just doesn't get any better than this simple image. Excellent work. Small but large item -- all to many people here are allergic to spell checkers...never be one of them! You're too good to have anyone sent away by a misspelling. I'll look for more of your stuff, for sure. You have a lot of talent and I prize that. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Justbleu Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329Oregon, Originally From Alaska :) |
This is a very good write..... This one talked to me!!!!! Enjoyed!!!!! Bridgette  "Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again. To hold someone, not for a moment but forever." Unknown [This message has been edited by Justbleu (05-13-2003 01:01 AM).] |
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Frank Tymon Junior Member
since 2003-05-11
Posts 27California, USA |
The wonder of the wind, And of our search for companionship, For love. And the mind sees the wind, Winding around, and binding. Thought provoking. Frank Tymon |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I'm not one for critique, just wanted to say that I liked the write |
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Starsfalling Member
since 2003-03-18
Posts 94some where deep in the shadows |
thank you all... thanks for the corrections ratleader, i made the corrections and think it works better.. about the no spell check, i had to write it in wordpad because Word was acting up, but oh well.. lol thanks -lance There is no peace among the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoyed  |
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