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christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

0 posted 2002-12-20 04:06 AM

jumper cables
------------

[to mom,
college is taking me away
but don't worry, i'll be fine.
and i'll miss you].

--

radio grows lifeless now, as this broken car
hits the radius of your kingdom ..

and it's been miles
since i've checked my rearview mirror
but i still remember the
pallid vanilla streetlamps flickering like candlelight lackluster
and the silence of frosty hammocks
in some quiet january morning, when
i rolled the carwindows--halfway down
and left the front door open, hoping that maybe
you might surrender
walk out and
wave me goodbye ..

.. but you never did

because the thought of
make-believe peachfuzz
and
half finished cerealbox crossword puzzles, forced your world
to come crashing down into the acid aftertaste
that decaf never had ..

now, youve lavished yourself in plastic churches
where there's nothing left to trust and
in the most unsettling of all dreams;
you believe ..
place your faith
in the jumpercables you tucked
in the floorboard of this broken-down car.

and maybe,
maybe
it's too soon ..
but i'll be alright--i'll be alright ..

---------------------------------------------
"and i dont want the world to see me
because i don't think that theyd
understand,
when everythings meant to be broken
i just want you to know"
---------------------------------------------

[This message has been edited by christian (12-20-2002 04:11 AM).]

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

1 posted 2002-12-20 04:19 AM

I liked the way you have presented your thoughts, and the style that you have written with... and images are quite exquisite ...

hope to read more from you...

regards,
Sudhir

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

2 posted 2002-12-20 04:28 AM

I will be so broken when my girls go off to college...kids grow up so fast. Thanks for a write like this in this early morning. Made me think.

christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

3 posted 2002-12-20 04:59 AM

passing shadow: yeah, we do. hm.

Sandpiper
Senior Member

since 2002-06-15

Posts 738
land of flora and fauna

4 posted 2002-12-20 05:17 AM

a lot of depth woven through the vivid images of these lines--throughout life, some things end, some things begin--you've written the conflict of emotions quite well--enjoyed the thoughtful early morning read.

"And it was at that age...Poetry arrived in search of me...And something started in my soul."
Pablo Neruda

Toerag
Member Ascendant

since 1999-07-29

Posts 5622
Ala bam a

5 posted 2002-12-20 07:41 AM

I'm not letting my daughter grow up...she can stay at home with me until she's 43, or, she'll become a Nun...We're not Catholic..but I'm willing to try anything?.....She can date when she's 33, if her brother (who's a cross between Bruce Lee and Kane the wrestler) goes with her. College?....sure, there are several great "degree at home" programs I understand?...LOL..I remember many of these same thoughts as I left my mother at the door when I first left home,,,,(I think I was ten?)....Okay, when I moved out at 17, went to college and to work and into the real world...."Mama told me not to go"....God was she wise...

I think most everyone has experienced the "feelings" you've posted here. We all feel as though "We'll be fine"...but parents will still always worry, and any kid with any love or respect for their parents will worry about their worry. The toughest course I had when I went off to college was self discipline...I flunked it continuously...didn't pass it until Vietnam, then it was force fed to me. You're words here bring back memories, well done.

[This message has been edited by Toerag (12-20-2002 08:23 AM).]

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

6 posted 2002-12-20 07:47 AM

this sure beats eminemns love peoms to his mama,
liked it. 2 thums up, chris

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

7 posted 2002-12-20 08:58 AM

radio grows lifeless now, as this broken car
hits the radius of your kingdom ..

and it's been miles
since i've checked my rearview mirror
but i still remember the
pallid vanilla streetlamps flickering like candlelight lackluster
and the silence of frosty hammocks
in some quiet january morning, when
i rolled the carwindows--halfway down
and left the front door open, hoping that maybe
you might surrender
walk out and
wave me goodbye ..

================================

in the most unsettling of all dreams;
you believe ..
place your faith
in the jumpercables you tucked
in the floorboard of this broken-down car.

=================================

a most impressive and impactuous write...
your opening line was poetic brilliance...
"radius of your kingdom"(very cool analogy)
your employ of imagery, metaphor and personification worked well to create the mood and express the emotions of this touching, deeply personal write.
based on what I've read here...I do believe you will be alright...
Welcome to poetry land christian, nice to have you here with us.
jm

Will the wind remember the names it has blown in the past?
With this crutch, its old age and wisdom, it whispers no ... this will be the last.

jh

Toerag
Member Ascendant

since 1999-07-29

Posts 5622
Ala bam a

8 posted 2002-12-20 09:32 AM

Inkedgoddess....Mary had a little lamb but now the lamb is dead...now Mary takes the lamb to school between two slabs of bread....even that beats eminemn's garbage.

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

9 posted 2002-12-20 09:40 AM

christian
Enjoyed the write and the read.

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

10 posted 2002-12-20 10:12 AM

i dont know toe,
i do think there is something is his rap,
hes angry,poetic in a raw way, talking to
his audience, plus hes kind of hot, and hes legal.....
but i dont think chris is gonna like us using his airspace,
sorry,chris, but i did dig your poem a lot

christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

11 posted 2002-12-20 02:51 PM

toe: a mix between bruce lee and kane,
damn.

--

ink: it's all good. i think i used up
about 6 comment spaces of garysgirls
airspace just arguing with her, and with
the whole PiP for that matter.

--

the only way to come about writing poetry
for me is through experience. i can't
write any other way.

thanks for reading, and i appreciate the
feedback.

-chris.

christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

12 posted 2002-12-20 02:58 PM

someone bash my poem.

i need the reassurance.

[This message has been edited by christian (12-22-2002 02:19 PM).]

Toerag
Member Ascendant

since 1999-07-29

Posts 5622
Ala bam a

13 posted 2002-12-20 03:49 PM

Well, personally speaking...(and I'm sure it shows)...I don't know '

' about writin' poetry..so I can't bash any....And yep...my son's almost as "bad" as he thinks he is...(I'm still badder)....at least I think I am...for an old man anyhow...I taught Martial Arts for many years...got the son interested when I taught "hand to hand" in the military....introduced him to a "real' instructor...not one that sells belts...nor one that teaches how to be pretty when ya fight...but one that teaches discipline and REALLY how to fight....may have been a mistake...time will tell?...I too play the guitar...have a Larrivee...a Martin...an old ES 330 Gibson....used to run around with the Allman Bros. band...probably before you were born?...LOL.....But I'm still younger than my nemises Balladeer!!!

[This message has been edited by Sunshine (12-20-2002 05:34 PM).]

Salty
Senior Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 669
Texas

14 posted 2002-12-20 04:26 PM

I remember going off to college....the whole uhh 15 miles away, but I did live in the dorms, and it was my first taste of freedom.  Although for some strange & unfair reason that college had a curfew for girls.
We managed to get past it though...and I too was alright.

Enjoyed the read....took me back....I remember worring about my partents when I left home.  I was the baby and thought they wouldn't know what to do without me. They did alright too *S*    SO there you go....
all this information that you didn't even ask for.

[This message has been edited by Salty (12-21-2002 12:15 AM).]

Duncan
Member Ascendant

since 2001-08-07

Posts 5455

15 posted 2002-12-20 06:19 PM

I have no idea what makes a good writer, but I did like this poem. The flow of thought was very affective.

The thought of her hands
touching his hair
makes me want to vomit.

Richard Brautigan

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

16 posted 2002-12-20 08:02 PM

christian - not bad, but could use a little help...

BC

[This message has been edited by Bill Charles (12-21-2002 02:06 PM).]

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

17 posted 2002-12-21 09:56 AM

Chris, hope those jumper cables are the heavy-duty type.
And maybe clean your rear-view mirror, so you'll always see clearly what you left behind.

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

18 posted 2002-12-21 09:58 AM

enjoyed this

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

19 posted 2002-12-21 10:47 AM

christian...what can be learned from "bashing"? The whole point of Constructive Critiques is so that we can see our poetry thru someone elses eyes...both the negative and the positive can be presented in a way that offers us a perspective that we, the author, usually cant see because we are too close to our own work emotionally. Thats the beauty of this place, we learn from one another, we find inspiration in each others words, and we also find the confidence that we might lack to try new things, to stretch our muses.
And on the flip side, when given constructive criticism, we as poets also learn to realize that our every word is not always profound and that no matter how much we write..there is always room to grow.
Poetry is made up of many things, humility is one of the many muses our pen will aquire.

If we kick a dog too many times he will eventually bite us... thats the only lesson "bashing" teaches.
If you want hard, honest, fair, constructive criticism, the CA forum is one you might want to visit..and others here offer to do the same by email, rather than on posts in open.
As to this post...I dont see anything that needs "bashing"...I see a lot of potential. Its an impressive write.
peace and poetry
jm

Will the wind remember the names it has blown in the past?
With this crutch, its old age and wisdom, it whispers no ... this will be the last.

jh

christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

20 posted 2002-12-21 08:51 PM

the thing is: the stars are too high for
my reach. and when i try to take one,
i only manage to take those small ones when
i want the big ones.

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