some girl [acoustic#3] - pipTalk Forums

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christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

0 posted 2002-12-19 02:26 PM

    some girl [acoustic #3]
    -----------------------


    for you, whoever you are
    the sister ive always wanted
    the sister i never had

    --

    would it be too much to
    dream of things impossible ..
    like you
    and it'd be too much to ask;
    how your day had gone ..
    if you like to wear polka-dotted nail polish
    or maybe perfume,
    or how you do
    the very things you do,
    like exist in a cold room in
    the middle of June ..

    i can almost see you now,
    inside adidas sneakers ..
    blooming thirteen years into
    a boring bedtime story and a
    faded obsession with
    sunflowers
    and barbie dolls ..
    on the verge of sneaking out
    backdoors
    to rebel
    to revel
    under aladdin nights
    that make you seem so, undiscovered.

    influenced by kurt cobain
    [or even nsync],
    if i only knew, if only.

    with

    brown eyes,
    momma's eyes
    maybe purple
    tainted fuzzy ..
    butterfly smiles and you smell
    like rain in the summertime.
    dad woulda' fell apart,
    and .. god, youre so damn pretty ..

    it's things like these
    that are kept inside,
    left there ..
    to get poets insane
    to get poets thoughtless
    pulling out thesauruses
    'cause you're, just ......
    inside blurry imaginations
    and outside front porches;
    sitting on steps ..
    while you stand in front of me,
    harassing my soul--
    wishing the same way i am wishing
    dreaming the same way i am dreaming

    of things
    that were never meant to be.


    -------------------------------------------
    "and i don't want the world to see me
     cause i don't think theyd
     understand
     when everythings to be broken
     i just want you to know who i am"
    -------------------------------------------

[This message has been edited by christian (12-20-2002 03:44 AM).]

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

1 posted 2002-12-19 02:33 PM

I am a sister...but my brother is a jerk, so I'll just say that this is a wonderful write and I enjoyed it very much...I think the acoustic series is a good idea, and I'll be looking for more.

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

2 posted 2002-12-19 03:52 PM

like this.. and it hangs together well in its journey to make a point..to drive to a conclusion.. it weakens a bit i the middle with butterfly smiles..etc... just seems like you started grasping here and didn't quite catch the brass ring in the phrasing you were looking for.. overall...its good. Like it better than the 2nd one...

Salty
Senior Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 669
Texas

3 posted 2002-12-19 03:59 PM

I like the way you read your own thoughts...those inner thoughts that we all have, but never take time to romance them.

simple writes about simple things ... are my favorite.

~Salty

In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.
--Deepak Chop

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

4 posted 2002-12-19 06:48 PM

Enjoyed...James

regards2you
Member Elite

since 2002-10-01

Posts 3940
California

5 posted 2002-12-19 07:05 PM

Chris,

I liked this a great deal and the flow, reads nicely. I think butterfly kisses would have been nicer....
they are not exclusively adult behavior....

I first learned of butterfly kisses from my daughter when she was little and we always did it on cheeks, and to be silly sometimes I'll hug yet, and get up in her face and bat my eyelashes across her cheek....and we, she now very adult, giggle with the happy memory...I have a baby grandson learning to do it too...he's got eskimo kisses down good..and giggles and belly laughs when doing it...

I will look for more of your poetry for I did enjoy this.

Warm regards, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
"Desiderata"

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

6 posted 2002-12-19 08:22 PM

It's very good. It could be a little more real, but it's got some really good lines using "imagination" as a good word for the overall idea. Nice job!

-OtherSideOfTheMirror

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