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Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

0 posted 2003-01-30 10:08 PM

ITS ok to have that day
and i saw you ALL
looking at me when you were looking there
to be honest
ABOUT last night
i can't remember to forget TIMING
and of all things i have no clue of that
AND any other PLACE
WHEN you saw me looking at you
crowded streets FINDING crowded minds
TRUE people are hard to come by
HAPPINESS is a hard thing to understand
am i happy or are you? in some way we must all
be one or two in the same AND
you must be wondering the MEANING
of this and that or thing IN the know
LIFE is to random to not have meaning

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2003-01-31 08:12 AM

through the noise... good work...

often the message we need to read or hear is hidden in the noise and is difficult to pick out. presenting yours this was an interesting choice. One could also pick out other words on lines and make a message through the noise..

I enjoyed

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

2 posted 2003-01-31 08:27 AM

clever, and loved the title...

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

3 posted 2003-01-31 08:41 AM

Effigy
There are shadows in the shadows, enjoyed.

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

4 posted 2003-01-31 08:58 AM

I know what you mean and you added more interest to your words with the message within the poem. Very clever!

Warm hugs,
EA

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

5 posted 2003-01-31 09:10 AM

Well I'm glad that you all enjoyed.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

6 posted 2003-01-31 01:49 PM

awesome! just awesome! good to see you here!

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

7 posted 2004-05-14 09:05 AM

This is clever, Wes. Very very clever. I enjoyed it. My suggestion, though, is to try and make the lines make a *little* more sense. They are just the tinest bit too random. Don't change them much, the randomness is a vital element in the construction and message of the piece, but try to make them make some kind of grammatical sense.

Line 6, I'd suggest the following:
First off, change "TIMING" to "TIME".
"i can't remember, I forgot this TIME"

Line 7, I'd insert a comma after "things".

Also, in the last line, it is "life is too random..." not "life is to random..."

Aside from that, I really enjoyed it.

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