untitled first poem... - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

nosceteipsum
Junior Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 11
i look for a star to the east, a savior

0 posted 2002-12-18 02:55 PM

mmmm... i do believe ill stretch my legs.

almost thought it would hurt to see. but i see right through you just as well as you see me. dont hurt so bad. not today anyway. i think i really dont care any more. i think i really dont care. love me now dear? love me not. you slit throat walker...

got to believe that this can end i keep meeting these girls and theyre all named sin...you got me as to why. and my mom tells me not to love these girls theyll take all youre worth and tear up your world...but thats my girl...i dont know why.

ill love you in the morning, cause the mourning always comes. i think about the boy i was and see myself for now. think about the girl you are. i can can love you just for now. its a long walk to cut the light off. so we cant see no more. long walk but i dont care. you slit throat walker...

got to believe that this can end i keep meeting these girls and theyre all named sin...you got me as to why. and my mom tells me not to love these girls theyll take all youre worth and tear up your world...but thats my girl...i dont know why.

morning sun shines on your face. its a big blue sky today. tomorrows here...were here todday but you wont be for long. that big blue sky may help erase the morning dew on flowers. but youre soon to walk away. i dont care anymore...i hope i really dont. i wont think of you. no not tonight. not till mourning comes.

christian
Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 331

1 posted 2002-12-18 02:57 PM

i know youre allowed to write in this
format when it comes to poetry. but i think
the effectiveness of line breaks are
greatly missed. line breaks mean a lot to
poetry--gives it that extra punch. its
good though, i think you should break it
apart. hm. *** and a 1/2. [out of five]

nosceteipsum
Junior Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 11
i look for a star to the east, a savior

2 posted 2002-12-18 03:22 PM

i had a friend break it apart and i still didnt like it. ill just let it run together i suppose.

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

3 posted 2002-12-18 05:05 PM

Welcome to Passions! I enjoyed your first post very much. The line breaks are optional but it is all in what YOU like. Enjoy your time here.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

4 posted 2002-12-18 05:23 PM

(big hugggsssssss) This is such a heartwrenchingly touching debut, sweet friend, your golden heart shines with compassion and honesty, God Bless You, we all send hugs out to you, I love it! Welcome to Passions, sweet friend, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! I can't wait to read more of your lovely words, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

[This message has been edited by Mistletoe Angel (12-18-2002 05:24 PM).]

Salty
Senior Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 669
Texas

5 posted 2002-12-18 05:42 PM

I like the effectiveness of this poetry written just as is.
You made it work...took the reader to the very end.

Very well done...and welcome to Passions.

~Salty

In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.
--Deepak Chop

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.