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Sands
| Open Poetry #24 |
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Sands |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space 
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Grains of idle thought form dunes on which I tread Here I found you as you found me searching for suitable rock to lay the cornerstone But I am weary and mirages still haunt these weary eyes I beg the ibis lead me to purer waters that I may wet these cracked lips and wash this world from skin To the toil again and pray that the feather and heart balance on scale for I have been devoured long enough (original) A desert of ideals where grains of idle thought form dunes on which I tread upon alone Here I found you as you found me sifting through the sands for suitable rock to lay the cornerstone But I am weary and mirages still haunt these weary eyes I beg the ibis lead me to purer waters that I may wet these cracked lips and wash this world from skin To the toil again and pray that the feather and heart do balance on scale for I have been devoured long enough [This message has been edited by Aenimal (01-07-2003 03:52 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 raphael giuffrida - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
You know what? I'd consider cutting out the first four lines of this poem. Why? Because the rest of the poem conveys the idea that you're putting across. The first four lines are pure 'telling' metaphor. Desert of ideals, grains of idle thought. Which then create the dunes you're walking on. So you've told the reader, matter of factly, that you're walking on metaphoric sands. Whereas, the rest of the poem conveys that, rather than tells it. There's an important difference. Here I found you as you found me sifting through the sands for suitable rock to lay the cornerstone But I am weary and mirages still haunt these weary eyes I beg the ibis lead me to purer waters that I may wet these cracked lips and wash this world from skin To the toil again and pray that the feather and heart do balance on scale for I have been devoured long enough 'Sifting through the sands' is a bit cliched... 'I beg the ibis lead me' - love that line. 'and heart do balance on scale' - I'd kill the 'do'. Very old fashioned technique called inversion that has no place in this form of poem in my oh so humble opinion lol. 'long enough' as the end lines? Bit wishy washy. No impact there. Just a flat kind of end... I like your writing btw, which is why you get me every now and then popping in and bossing you around...~grin~  K[This message has been edited by Severn (01-08-2003 01:35 AM).] |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Very well done Raph, I enjoyed the metaphors very much. This was my favorite part of the entire piece "Here I found you as you found me sifting through the sands for suitable rock to lay the cornerstone But I am weary and mirages still haunt these weary eyes" Especially enjoyed that line.  |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
I enjoyed this a great deal. The critique was interesting, too. But I liked the usage of the word dune. Thanks for sharing your talent. Warm regards, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Aenimal, I really like the last line that shows to me the image of the shape change of the dune when scoured by the restless wind. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
You've dune it again Raph.  waving to you from my dunes, still sifting through last year's pile. |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Aenimal Why do you think the desert is so vast? LOL enjoyed. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Severn thanks for the critique and I agree with it for the most part. Personally I like the metaphor, to just leave it as walking on sands may convey the isolation but not of the meaning of the isolation, in this case idle thought. So I'll meet you half way and am erasing the First line as it seems redundant now. Sifting through is cliched but i got stuck on a line, how about "searching for suitable rock' Agree with the erasing the 'do', felt awkward but I left it in I forgot to reread and make the changes i wanted. If you understand the poem you understand that if the heart does not balance then I am set to be devoured. The point of the last line is that I've been devoured long enough and am set to change things now then suffer an eternity of them. Appreciate your opinion and have made the changes above and left the original for those who'll wonder what the hell we're talking about. Thanks for the input!! [This message has been edited by Aenimal (01-07-2003 03:59 PM).] |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Thank you very much Gentle Spirit I appreciate the compliment Pat thank you for sharing yours! And thank you for reading and responding Thanks Kethry I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for stopping by Kacy as long as it's only a SAND pile and not something else lol Seymour how true LOL Thanks for the read [This message has been edited by Aenimal (01-07-2003 03:59 PM).] |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
i always find myself at the beach, even if for a few........ liked this revelation, finding some relgion perhaps? |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Raph, actually, as I'm quite sure all of you can tell from my writes, I know nothing about technicalities of writing poetry. I do love poetry though, and I do love yours. BTW, I like the courteous and playful way that Severn critiques poems. And I've noticed that he doesn't critique everyone's (phew!!). So, I think you should feel priviliged that he likes your writing enough to critique you. He seems to know what he's talking about, actually.  "Love makes the world go around" |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
(Whisper to garysgirl...check out my profile - you'll find I'm a girl ~blush~ Everyone thinks Severn sounds so masculine waaaaaaah...  - oh and you better watch out or I might come critique your poems...smile)Aenimal - glad you found suggestions helpful, no doubt you'll get more of them ~smile~ |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Inked religion no, pathways yes Thank you Ethel thats sweet of you to say, and yes i agree I like Severn's critique i think the changes make it better. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Severn does sound masculine you had me fooled,lol thank you again for the advice! |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I"m not much of a critic, just say what i feel about writing when I read it, and I liked both versions... |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Thanks Dixie I appreciate it |
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