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Spiritual Journeys #2
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Four minus one leaves three
| Spiritual Journeys #2 |
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Four minus one leaves three |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298
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the grieving process (as told by the mother) No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! (I still hear his sister scream) it isn’t true you are lying it isn’t true stop saying that you are lying! (no no no no no no no no no) The policeman (I suppose) was the one who was speaking I could see the words falling from his mouth and my son’s father helplessly fighting the air as if to keep them from landing and this was interrupted only by the sound of crying. After forever had past they let us see him the coldness of his skin had no power over his beauty- over and over we kissed his precious face as if our touch could warm him as if our love would wake him. And then they said it was time to leave. I understand now the blackening of the sun with which God hushed the earth when on the cross His Son hung for our sins, that darkness is written on the hearts of the grieving. (Outside the sunshine’s injustice and I sat and silently cried.) Some time some where there was a service. (they tell me) The church was full even on such short notice but it does not surprise me he was so very special everyone that knew him adored him. Young and old (I am told) were crying and then this (I think) was followed by many more days of crying. And then (the tears had need of replenishing) there were a precious few days where we clung desperately to numbness; we prayed for someone to pop the bubble; we waited to stop dreaming. Our own breath we would have given just for his returning but the providence of God is not for human understanding and this (I know) was followed by days and days of crying. I sit and read the Bible now (more so than before) the words of my Lord are the only thing that stay the unanswerable questions from forming. And when the wee hours of mourning have need of sleep, his father sings hymns of comfort to our Lord Jesus until He grants us slumber and each of these twenty four hour long days is dutifully followed by another. I try not to be alone, even though something in aloneness calls me (there is a wailing that has no want of comfort and I fear touching the pain that holds it.) When I can muster the will to do so I sift through the dead and drying flowers and today there was an hour (or so) when busy took my hands from twisting up the tissue and they say that time will better this and they say that it gets easier… Maybe (I sorely hope) they are right for even though my voice is leaving me my words once lost in pain are once again sorrowfully accompanying me and sometimes for a time my eyes do stop their weeping. But to tell you what comes next in this horrible pain they call the grieving process I cannot. This is as far as I have gotten… You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray You’ll never know dear how much I love you Please don’t take my sunshine away Please don’t take my sunshine away. |
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| © Copyright 2004 jellybeans - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You know how much this will affect anyone who reads it, especially with the ending lines. All I can offer you and your family are my prayers, my love, and any emotional support you may want to sponge up. K |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
thank you sunshine, it has been hard, and the ending lines, were, just that, the ending lines...I used to sing that song to him when he was a baby...and its hard to see the light when the days are so dark... thank you lady |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
DearestLady~ This is such sorrow in the pen of the heart~ God, I wish you to know that this *HUG* is so very real for you~  I'm so sorry~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost, |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
If a sadder write was ever penned, I'm not sure my heart could bear the reading. Even from the depths of grief, there is eloquence in your words... they show us love. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
I completely lack words after reading this heartwrenching outpouring. and while words fall so inadequate in times like these ... I am so very sorry, no mother should ever know this. holding you and your family in thought and prayer. |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
thank you marge, hugs are more than welcome, they are needed.... suthern, thank you lady, I guess, and I hadn't thought of it until your comment, that the pain would only be as great as the love you put in...thank you for reading 'me' inside of this pain jm, thank you lady and yes, I wish it were true that no mother would know this...sigh |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
jellybeans I wish I didn't understand this so well. |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
Martie, I know, I know, have often thought of you and your poetry...thank you |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
My heart aches for you. Grover. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
... No mother should have to go through this.. no mother. Right now I am holding you in my heart, so while it is not the physical touch, I am holding you in that place that I hold only you.. ~Heart hugs, Nancy~ |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Dear jellybeans, after reading your words of infinite pain I tremble inside and I feel your sorrow so strongly. May you find comfort in all the love surrounding you and may you feel your child's presence within your heart. I reach out to hold you in my arms. Love, Margherita |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown |
I am so sorry for your loss. |
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Trillium
since 2001-03-09
Posts 12098Idaho, USA |
Dear jellybeans: Your poem just tore open my heart. I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. Our only grandson was struck and killed by a speeding driver and he was as much a part of us as if he were instead our son. He had lived with us for some time. He was almost ten years old. I can understand the things you are saying, so well. It does get easier as time goes on, but it never disappears! It's been 20 years and sometimes it still seems like it's just happened. God bless and keep you and your family. Love Betty Lou Betty Lou Hebert |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Your words touch deeply hugs of comfort to you Maureen |
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muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving |
this is painful to read in so many ways, and hangs heavy in my heart for you.. i hope in healing comes strength.. |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
With this read, I am speechless for I cannot comprehend what it is to lose a child. The song on the bottom is one I sang to my son throughout childhood and tears filled my eyes as I read it for you. My prayers are with you and yours. |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
Grover, thank you so much, for reading and caring Enchantress, thank you again, hugs are soooo welcome Margherita, thank you...thank you...for your love and care and for the tenderness of your reply. SmartChick thank you so much Trillium...I too had only one son and only one grandson, and either of them being gone would hurt as much, my grandson too lives with us and so I know your pain as you know mine....hugs Maureen, thank you lady muted thank you, much iliana yes, it is beyond comprehension, would not wish it for anyone...and yes I used to sing that song to him, inserting his name instead of the last 2 'sunshine's...sigh |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  (big angel hugs) Those are the most beautiful words you could sing as there are no words here, sweet friend, God Bless You and know we are all thinking and feeling for you, know you are in our thoughts and prayers and your son will forever be your sunshine and will never disappear, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "You'll find something that's enough to keep you |
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Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Dear Friend, I just found this heart rending poem. You are very brave to be able to write it. Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of my own son's death. I was hoping to get through without tears but I think not. My mother's heart is aching for you and yours. Time will help but the ache stays. I am glad you have the Lord to comfort you, as well as your faithful earthly friends. Love, Joyce |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
 wishing I could hug you lady |
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Brad_Smith Member
since 2004-01-09
Posts 70Dallas, Texas |
Lovely read. The last lines is my family's song. I still have not grieved for some, I shall when the time comes. My best friend tonight found out one of his best brotherlike friends from childhood died 3 yrs ago and he is just now finding out. Your poem is enlightening.  |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
I know I'm late to this... but I'm glad I found it. I've never lost a son, I pray I never do... but I have grieved over the death of some, of many, who I loved with everything in me, and so from that I can understand even a little. And from that, these words are familiar ones. This is so powerful, so real, and so very heart wrenching. Also having been through grieving I know it isn't a short process... it's something that goes on and every time you're reminded (with every picture, every whisper of the wind, every time you set the table) it is a fresh wound, and it hurts, oh it hurts. So I offer all I have and prayers. I hope you're doing alright... Always, Alyssa He was a man of sorrows ...I am a girl of tears. |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
thank you...all this sharing of my grief has helped...I am thankful to have you all to share with.....sigh thank you again |
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Allstaria22 Member
since 2000-06-11
Posts 83MN USA |
jellybeans If I had read this poem a few months ago I would have thought it extremely sad but well phrased. Now, as I look at my new son, I dont know what I would do if anything ever happened to him. Thank you for writing such a beautiful poem and sharing your greif with us. I offer you my prayers and my love and I hope that you always feel His arms around you. Dana Isaiah 1:18 |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
JellyBeans, I can't tell you how much this write has affected me... I am so sorry for your loss...with tears and a heavy heart, I hold you in my prayers. Maree. Beauty of the world which is soon to perish has two edges, one of laughter and one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder. |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
Thank you all for your comfort and prayers, sharing my pain here has made it easier to bear..... |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
I am sorry for your loss. I know what is like as I lost my son 9 years ago. With time the pain will lessen but you never forget. I found writing poetry was a healing process an outlet for the deep feelings of grief. Your poem brought back to me the memories of those first days. God bless you and walk with you through the grief. |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
thank you again |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
oh my, no...the absolute worst nightmare I can only offer condolences. Time hopefully lessens the intensity of the pain of losing him. Thank goodness time doesn't lessen or take away the intense feelings of love and joy you shared. |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
jellybeans, Welcome back and Thank you, Thank you for sharing. Your poem along with the kind kind words shared here were a tremendous comfort to me as I am in grieving, thought, and prayer for my daughter who lost her one and only child, my only grandson, to SIDS a year ago this August 6th. I wrote this poem right after I heard the news from my daughter and after I spent some time with God in prayer and was blessed with Peace poured into my life that changed my deep anger to an almost miraculous kind of Thankfulness for the time that I was so very blessed to have had spent with my Grandchild while he was still on earth. Heaven's Gift God bless you and, again, Welcome Back. -Bob |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
thank you again.......sigh....deep sigh |
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FiercestCalm Junior Member
since 2006-06-24
Posts 31michigan |
jellybeans~ i am very new here, but i just came across this and wanted to say how deeply sorry i am for your loss. i have 3 children (1 girl, 2 boys) and this just made me weep-i simply can not imagine the pain of this, but as a mother i can understand a shadow of it (if that makes sense) you and your family will be in my prayers. may God heal you in the way only He can. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Karon? The healing continues... through this, you have given insight to so many that take much for granted. You remind them to love theirs every day. And you know in your heart, that we will never forget. Sending love to go with the healing... K |
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