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::LEX'S NEW:: Burning
| Spiritual Journeys #2 |
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::LEX'S NEW:: Burning |
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ascending_ecstasy Member
since 2004-01-21
Posts 102 |
Catch my tear and I'll wake Sit alone but I'll be there That's what feeling crowded is Look at my flower sitting in the bath It weeps, and blooms my name I smudge my letter making no mark at all Can you feel it yet Fall from the rafters to the roof Feeling the summer breeze in winter above your feet Leader sitting on the hill Feeling rejection I won't come to you Force of personal choice betrays To know you're out there is to worry But I feel no real pain I am not pain It is what you prefer I am burning Which you cannot choose to accept. |
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James_A_Fraser Senior Member
since 2003-09-03
Posts 972Out Making Anticlines |
You clearly have talent, and if you keep growing, you're going to become one of our best. I can suggest a couple of things that will really punch up your future work, though I wouldn't change this poem at all. Watch out for passive voice. If you see any form of the word "is," attack! Sometimes you have to use it, but usually you can find a colorful verb that will make things flow much better. Imagery is supremely important, and it's an area where you (along with most of us) can improve. Imagery is the strongest way to bring your own unique voice into play. Look hard at the imagery in most any poem by folks like Martie, Greeneyes, Cpat Hair or Ratleader, and you'll see what I mean. Pick any of their images that strike you and tear into it, until you understand ~exactly~ what they did to make it jump out at you, then have that in mind next time you write...don't force it of course, just let the new strength flow from you. You're well on your way, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) This is incredibly powerful, dearest friend, and when you burn, may you only burn deep inside with joy being guided and looked over with fervent confidence! (sigh) Let the candle burn on, God Bless You, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "You'll find something that's enough to keep you |
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Amara Member
since 2003-02-23
Posts 158East of the moon, west of the sun. |
"Catch my tear and I'll wake Sit alone but I'll be there" Could 'but' in the second line be changed to 'and'? It struck me as sounding...I don't know, it seems to fit a bit better, but that could just be me. Also, could there be a stanza break after "That's what feeling crowded is"? I'm getting a bit nit-picky, but that's only because there's nothing big to change! Oh, let's get even more nit-picky: "I smudge my letter making no mark at all" (It seems to long...it needs to be broken, by puntuation, or a line break.) "Feeling the summer breeze in winter above your feet" (Same here, except with this one, the meaning is almost lost because it's flow is so disrupted.) Well, I'm done. Everything else looks, and sounds, good to me! .:: night is thickest when dawn draws nigh ::. |
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