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Spiritual Journeys #2
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Hear the whisper, feel the metal.
| Spiritual Journeys #2 |
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Hear the whisper, feel the metal. |
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
I hear the whisper, I giggle with delight In love with the horned bat from first sight He dances and smiles, hides from the light Oh what a wonderful creature, so graceful in flight Tell me why, why you cry when hes near? We can all be friends, there is nothing to fear No, don't turn away! She is an odd one, with feathers of snowy white A ring above her head that shines oh so bright The winged bat scowls at her Wrinkling up his light red fur As she steps near, hes gone in a blur I'll never understand why they fight But the horned bat whispers in my ear and I giggle in delight. "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Oscar Wilde |
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| © Copyright 2009 Zachariah Gavia-Peyton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
Don't mean to bump my own poem but I'd really appreciate some replies, critiquing that is. |
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priyanka Member
since 2009-06-15
Posts 216india |
wow! had to read it twice before i got to understand the deeper meaning... but I'm glad I did that... it got me thinking... wish it were easy not to react to that horned bat! btw great write! |
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
Finally a response.  Thank you. May just write the whole series. |
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priyanka Member
since 2009-06-15
Posts 216india |
do complete the series...I'd like to know what truly happens...strange sometimes to not know what choices to make...not knowing right and wrong... "I hear the whisper, I giggle with delight" mysterious delight...not knowing the reasons for such giggling makes its all the more intruding... Her liking for the "horned bat" too Definetely different... keep writing... |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
quote: First, I liked your poem in that it really brings to light the stereotypical characteristics of how we envision good and evil. Second, my critique would be that you might want to add a bit more punctuation … I hear the whisper, I giggle with delight In love with the horned bat from first sight He dances and smiles, hides from the light Oh(,) what a wonderful creature, so graceful in flight Tell me why, why (do) you cry when he(‘)s near? We can all be friends, there is nothing to fear No, don't turn away! She is an odd one, with feathers of snowy white (In the above line, it might read a bit better if you actually give a name like you did for the 'winged bat' to ths 'she') A ring above her head that shines(,) oh(,) so bright The winged bat scowls at her Wrinkling up his light red fur As she steps near, he(‘)s gone in a blur I'll never understand why they fight But the horned bat whispers in my ear and I giggle in delight. God bless and thank you for bringing your poem back up to the top so I could have an opportunity to both read and reply to it. -Bob |
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
Thank you Punctuation much like math, is not my friend. So I leave it to it own |
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