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Open Poetry #23
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Seasons of Today
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Seasons of Today |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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Seasons of Today ©2002 C.G. Ward light scrapes at darkness, peels at distance, uncovers the morning. it begins, bright, warming like the heater in an old chevy - slowly, but with undeniable surety. as time progresses, the clouds roil in to cast gray over blue in the discomfort of an unexpected chill. then it rains. and the heavens are heavy with silence. light is there, but unseen, like mountains that once impaled the sky. the mists fade during the afternoon, the turbulence cloven by a resurgence of warmth. of course, it grows late now and darkness marches forward once more to boldly shroud the light and day… or daylight, whatever. it is a nice night, cool, yet comfortable - until the fog rolls in, obscuring even the lights from the house next door. it is cold now, reminiscent of death, in a way that the silence cannot deny. yes, it is winter. and today was us. |
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| © Copyright 2002 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Morning... nice descriptive passages in this that sort of fall down the page as if you were sitting across from someone and describing for them the day. From the other works you have posted I have come to expect a tight cohesive flow that has a tinge of edginess. This is good... very nicely done in its images and makes one comfortable to just listen to... but is not as tightly composed as others I have read from you. I like it... but it is not my favorite from you... |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Good morning Christopher, Thank you for giving to us your fine words, today. I always enjoy reading your work, and this is no exception.  "Love makes the world go around" |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Ron - yeah, rereading it this morning i find i'm nowhere near as satisfied with it as i should be. i think you picked right when you said it's lacking the 'edginess.' ah well, guess i can't win them all. thank you for your honest comments, sincerely.  Ethel - thank you as well, for stopping and looking, and taking the time to smile. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Chris, nothing wrong with this piece. It just lacks the edge I have come to expect from you. I enjoy edginess in writing because it grip me in a way that makes me look and ask myself questions. What do you want me ( the reader) to take away from this and where is the sting of the truth or the insight? I hate to think how many pieces I have written and then gone back and visited later to read and wonder, " what the hell was I thinking writing and posting this?" I don't think this one falls into that category... |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Could feel the movement of the day, the change and circle of it. I really liked the implication of the last two lines. Good read for ANOTHER snow day.  |
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Soleil Noir Senior Member
since 2001-12-19
Posts 688USA |
per critique flag, You already "like me"...so here goes... light scrapes at darkness, peels at distance, uncovers the morning. try "peels back distance" it begins, bright, warming like the heater in an old chevy - slowly, but with undeniable surety. as time progresses, the clouds roil in to cast gray over blue in the discomfort of an unexpected chill. Ah. You made me VERY happy with roil. then it rains. and the heavens are heavy with silence. drop "and" light is there, but unseen, like mountains that once impaled the sky. the mists fade during the afternoon, the turbulence cloven by a resurgence of warmth. Too many "thes". Suggest dropping at beginning of each sentence in second stanza above. of course, it grows late now and darkness marches forward once more to boldly shroud the light and day… or daylight, whatever. Suggest dropping "and" as well as "whatever". You care about this piece. The "whatever" suggests you do not. it is a nice night, cool, yet comfortable - until the fog rolls in, obscuring even the lights from the house next door. it is cold now, reminiscent of death, in a way that the silence cannot deny. yes, it is winter. and today was us. No changes here. These are, of course, simply suggestions. Perhaps this will help put some of the edgy back that the Captain and I enjoy.  Thanks! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Chris, a few thoughts.. thoughts only to do with as you wish... []delete () add <> comments light scrapes at darkness, peels [at]distance, uncover(ing)[s] the morning. [it] begin[s], bright, warming like the heater in an old chevy - slowly, but with undeniable surety. [as] time progresses, [the] clouds roil in to cast gray [over blue] [in the] discomfort of an unexpected chill. then it rains. and the heavens are heavy with silence. light is there, but [unseen], like mountains that once impaled the sky. [the] mists fade during [ the] afternoon, [the] (as) turbulence (is) cloven by a resurgence of warmth. [of course] it grows late now and darkness marches forward once more to boldly shroud[ the] light and day… [or daylight, ] [whatever.] it is a nice night, cool, yet comfortable - until the fog rolls in, obscuring even the lights from the house next door. it is cold now, reminiscent of death, in a way that the silence cannot deny. yes, it is winter. and today was us |
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Salty Senior Member
since 2002-11-23
Posts 669Texas |
I think this pretty well describes people and moods, and in Texas the weather can change in the blink of an eye. I really like the realness brought out and back in with this write. ~Salty In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Ron - No worries. Hope I didn't come across like I was upset by your summation, because I most definitely wasn't. It's really nice to have someone be open about what they feel is lacking - it helps me take a better look at my work, incorporating their input, to see if I can better it the next time around. Have looked at your suggestions and really like a few of them. I will see about modifying this for a better edge. Thank you, sir, for your time and effort. D - yep. like one long lead up to a punch line. *shaking head* thank you sir. Soliel - I actually liked all but one of your suggestions. Dropping "whatever." I do care about this piece. What I was trying to do at this point, however, was to show a growing numbness as the day descends once more into darkness (the metaphor of the relationship translating that into apathy towards itself). Perhaps, however, I can look at a better way to put that across. Thank you, ma'am, for your time and effort.  Salty - Thanks for dropping in. I'm glad you caught the sudden changes and how they can reflect in people. Texas, eh? I lived in Colorado for several years and it was exactly the same! Peace all, and thanks again - C |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Enjoying this one...very much! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(chuckling) I just enjoy watching Christopher's mind work... at least he has one which is more than I can say about myself.. |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
I also enjoyed this Christopher, and I agree with Cpat......watching your mind work is an amazing thing.  Well done. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Good morning, Christopher! What can I say but "Different strokes for different folks!" Personally, I was totally absorbed in this fine piece of writing. It grabbed my attention right from the beginning and held my interest right to the end. I can appreciate your previous works that may have more of an edge, but I prefer reading poetry more along this line. Very much enjoyed this reading experience! EA |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
light scrapes at darkness, peels at distance, uncovers the morning. it begins, bright, warming like the heater in an old chevy - slowly, but with undeniable surety. as time progresses, the clouds roil in to cast gray over blue in the discomfort of an unexpected chill. then it rains. and the heavens are heavy with silence. light is there, but unseen, like mountains that once impaled the sky. ======================================== light scrapes at darkness, love that image and opening hook... very cool.... and yeah..."roil" rocks ... loved the chevy heater analogy... but I really came by just to look at those WISE EARS of yours!! rofl heh |
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