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| Open Poetry #23 |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989
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When the sun refuses to shine, while the skies seem dark and bare remember this in your heart a rainbow is shining somewhere. As the winds do softly blow the sweet caress of Autumn air unseen, remain the breezes in gentle stir upon your hair. Beholding the sun as it sets with your lovers hand to share dipping low behind the skyline it rests, hidden within its lair. Moonlight brightens evening skies held in Luna’s gaze of stare disappearing midst the daylight Luna’s face still shines so fair. Sometimes things cannot be seen but they're still somewhere.....out there. If I have touched one heart through my words, then I have acheived my dream... [This message has been edited by Gentle Spirit (10-15-2002 11:01 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 dmsmith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
A lovely sonnet for us to read this morning Donna. Beautifully penned. ~Morning hugs sweet poetess~ ~ Time has cast a spell on you |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Waving from here to there. And a lovely good morning to you too Nancy! If I have touched one heart through my words, then I have acheived my dream... |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
This is lovely Donna. Enjoyed the read this morning.  |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Lovely! That first stanza could stand all alone in an encouragement card. I do see a couple places where the syllable count is a little long. Per your encouragement of constructive criticism, I'll show [ ] around what I suggest omitting and { } around anything I would suggest adding. Above all, remember, this is a lovely poem full of fine images, indicative of our gentle spirit. When the sun refuses to shine and the skies seem dark and bare remember this in your heart a rainbow{'}[i]s shining somewhere. As the winds [do] softly blow the sweet caress of Autumn air unseen{,} remains the breeze [in]{a} gentle stir upon your hair. Behold[ing] the sun as it sets with your lover{'}s hand to share dipping low behind [the skyline]{horizon} it rests, hidden [with]in its lair. Moonlight brightens evening skies held {deep}in Luna’s [gaze of] stare she disappears amid[st] the [day]light Luna’s face still shines [so] fair. Sometimes things cannot be seen but the{y're}[ir still somewhere.....]out there{somewhere}. Which would end up like this: When the sun refuses to shine and the skies seem dark and bare remember this in your heart a rainbow's shining somewhere. As the winds softly blow the sweet caress of Autumn air unseen, remains the breeze a gentle stir upon your hair. Behold the sun as it sets with your lover's hand to share dipping low behind horizon it rests, hidden in its lair. Moonlight brightens evening skies held deep in Luna’s stare she disappears amid the light Luna’s face still shines fair. Sometimes things cannot be seen but they're out there somewhere. (Take what works for you and toss the rest.) Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Donna, this poem reflects the gentleness in you. I am particularly partial to the first stanza: "When the sun refuses to shine and the skies seem dark and bare, remember this in your heart a rainbow is shining somewhere." ~~ Keep that thought! ~~ Linda |
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garysgirl  
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Donna, your kind sweet gentle spirit rings loud and clear in this beautiful poem. Thanks so much for sharing it wih us this morning. With Love To All, Ethel |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Rose, thank you for taking the time to read this morning. Hugs.  Virginia, thank you for the critique and I have changed one or two things as I am terrible at proofreading. I think that each person that teaches has a different method of instruction and that every student takes something different from varying teachers. Thus the differences in methods and writing styles. Some of the words that you changed while possibly seeming more effective, would not actually change all of the syllable counts. Changing some of the wording would interfere with the intended meaning of what was written. I do so appreciate your taking the time to critique this and give your honest opinion. As poets, this is how we grow. Thank you so much. Linda, the poem actually did start as a post for Spiritual Journeys which ended up slightly different until it was finished. Thanks hon. Ethel, thank you for always sharing your sweetness of thoughts. Hugs. If I have touched one heart through my words, then I have acheived my dream... [This message has been edited by Gentle Spirit (10-15-2002 10:19 AM).] |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Awwwwwwww, I just love this, sweet friend, sometimes I too see the moon in the morning skies when it is all sunny out and the suns colors at dusk and I always thank Him for the gorgeous blessings He offers us all and that they are free for us all as my Joanna too makes me have beautiful dreams and see special worlds to me! (kiss on cheek) This is gorgeous, sweet friend, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Donna, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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texasrose Member
since 2001-10-24
Posts 146 |
A lovely sonnet for my afternoon Donna! |
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NewEnglandlazurlu Member Rara Avis
since 2002-01-04
Posts 7470A Mountain Paradise |
Donna, what wonderful thoughts to keep us all going and smiling even when much is temporarily hidden from us. Hugs, Marti |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
When the sun refuses to shine, while the skies seem dark and bare remember this in your heart a rainbow is shining somewhere. such lovely thoughts, Donna..I have to remember to think positive like this...even on those darkened days hugss M |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
This is very uplifting. I enjoyed it a great deal. Thanks. Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Auguste
since 2000-02-16
Posts 3953By the sea |
Donna, this is very uplifting and with pretty imagery. The stars will shine when I am gone, |
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scorpio Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178right...there |
If we use our memories and our imaginations, we can re-create beautiful experiences...both natural and personal..in our minds...And as poet with talent, you, Gentle Spirit, have used words to make all of us do just that. ...believe what your heart feels... |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Donna~ If ever there was a shinning rainbow you are certainly one here at PIP...Paul |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Thank you all very much. Peace to poetry land. If I have touched one heart through my words, then I have acheived my dream... |
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RMW Senior Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 1424 |
Gentle Spirit ... I especially liked the final verse. Isn't it the truth. Bob |
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DawnG
since 2000-06-23
Posts 1494United States |
Donna, This is very beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us. Dawn |
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sigheyes Member
since 2001-04-25
Posts 323the winds of destiny |
This is a perfectly lovely sonnet! I agree that there are many things out there~ somewhere. Hugs. |
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Blue Kitty Member
since 2002-08-05
Posts 72Virginia |
Sweet and positive poem, uplifting on a morning when it’s sort of hard to get going at all |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
You folks overwhelm me with your kindness. Thanks and hugs. |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
I loved it. Very beautiful.Kielo I don't care if you're an old fart, because old people are smarter than me. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You do the sun and moon well in your thoughts... I would see them, more often... [This message has been edited by Sunshine (10-24-2002 02:21 PM).] |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Thank you Kielo. So glad that you stopped by. |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Kari, you snuck in there on me. The sun, the moon, the elements of nature.....these things are so awe inspiring to me at times. There have been many poems on them, and I am sure.....there will be more. Hugs to you. |
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