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Open Poetry #23
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You are worth the sum of all I own
| Open Poetry #23 |
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You are worth the sum of all I own |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
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You are worth the sum of all I own. Crumpled wads of green within billfold. With your steadfastness my only loan I will need not spend from youth to old. Many years the debts do build and build, until I think I will respite in jail. Possessions keep all my storerooms filled. Now your name is all of which I hail. I will gladly halve all that I make, three times that of what I owe in lieu. If but both our distances would break and I could fill the wealth of love in you. Until that day finds us, I am assured that many more trials will be endured. |
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| © Copyright 2002 MPC - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Suetang Member Ascendant
since 2001-03-07
Posts 5187Melbourne, Australia |
Hello Michael Your words spoke volumes and I really enjoyed the read, thanks. Take care......Sue I am in motion |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
such heart and love you put into your poems very nice Mike *s M |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
i really like you style. its almost romatnic but edgy, and representative of today. one small suggestion in regards to the poem: while reading it i got caught up several times on little words. you know, the ands, tos, will, the, but, etc. example: and I could fill the wealth of love in you. could be and I could fill love's wealth in you. in my mind, to my tongue, and in my ear, the latter flows better. you might re-read the peice because there are a couple other places where this type of slight rewording might help. one thing to note about my biases, my style is to pay close attention to the way poems sound out loud, and how they feel off the tongue. -majnu |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thanks, everyone. And thanks for taking a closer look, majnu. Yes, there are some "halterations" here and there, but that's because I sort of churned these out to escape a stressful situation. I'll think on how to change it, but I want the meaning to be the same. "Fill the wealth of love in you" doesn't mean the same as "fill love's wealth in you," so I'll have to work at it. Mike |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
A lovely romantic write, Mr.Squirrel  ~ hugs and acornsLyra |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Never was much good at Math, but seems you have a value nonetheless. A beauty. Ed |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Michael, Excellent write. Sure you wouldn't double that?  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
It sounds as though she'd be worth a lot more if you were basing her value on three times what you owe, rather than on what you own! Yep, you definitely live in North America! Mike, your worth is not what you own, but who you are, and that dear poet, makes you a wealthy man! Linda |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
selling her worth short or just trying to find a measure of it others can understand? ( chuckling) |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Numbers and I don't live well together, and the sum of you is beyond my meagre calculator. But your words really add up; you are a very special one. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thanks all. I am touched by some of your replies. This poem and the other two pseudo-sonnets I wrote that day were my attempt at finding release from a stressful afternoon. This poem in particular was about the expenses I'm piling on so that Lorigrrl can come down to see me in February. |
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