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Open Poetry #23
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Enthralled
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Enthralled |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
The crimson sun kisses the yellow moon The emerald sky hugs the sapphire dunes and in the quantity of all you and I make love enthralled. [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-08-2002 01:59 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Radrook - All Rights Reserved | |||
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Both, ~satisfying~ and ~complete~ I love this poem. It is perfect! Thank You, Warm Regards, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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blues hearted lady New Member
since 2002-11-07
Posts 9Melbourne, AUS |
I really like this - it's short and it says alot. (Am I allowed to critique in this forum, since it's not the critique place? If not I'm sorry...I'm new you see). Did you intentionally use the partial rhyme and the different rhythms? Because, and this is purely personal, I think it would have a lot more impact if the lines had a more structured rhythm and you used a full rhyme. As in, tweak 'dunes' to 'dune', and 'enthralled' to 'enthral', since it's so short and the rhythm and rhyme seems to upset it to me. But I really like the poem as it is - only if I was to 'correct' it I'd do those things. I don't mean to mess with your work. |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
fantastic concept, fantastic world Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Sounds like the place to be. Nicely expressed. Sandra |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
kinda like  stra wars meets deep spce nine  u wriet scifi at it's best a fan   good bless [This message has been edited by furlong (11-08-2002 01:54 PM).] |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
I like the way you said so much with such few words. It was very good. I enjoyed it. "Love makes the world go around" |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I see that there are a lot of SCI Fi fans here! More power to you! Thanks everyone for the feedback. Glad you enjoyed the poem. Welcomed to PIP Blues Lady! Feedback: Did you intentionally use the partial rhyme and the different rhythms? Response: Yes, the choices were very intentional. I intentionally chose the aa bb pattern of the two rhyming couplets. Feedback: Because, and this is purely personal, I think it would have a lot more impact if the lines had a more structured rhythm and you used a full rhyme. Response: As you know, sound must reinforce sense, not distract from it. Since the use of rhyming couplets can ruin a poem by tending to drone on mechanically. I strove to avoid this by varying the lines and meter. The conjunction "and" is isolated in order to slow down the flow so as to create a dramatic pause before the conclusion. An introductory device of sorts. Feedback: As in, tweak 'dunes' to 'dune,' and 'enthralled' to 'enthrall,' since it's so short and the rhythm and rhyme seems to upset it to me. Response: When one writes a poem there are so many considerations to evaluate! One is whether to use near rhyme, off rhyme, visual rhyme, exact rhyme, or no rhyme at all. Many modern poets choose to discard end rhymes altogether and strive only for internal rhymes. Actually, the modern tendency is to avoid end rhyming because it might force the wrenching of language to fit the rhyme scheme. This in turn would distract the reader and brings the author's sincerity into question. For example, If I as a reader say: "Wow! Look how cleverly this poet got out of that rhyming difficulty!" Then the poem's intended effect (which is certainly not to show how well the poet can convolute language to fit a predetermined rhyme scheme) is destroyed. For this reason modern poets subjugate rhyme to meaning. That is to say, that meaning or mood takes priority over rhyme. It is within this context that I chose the word "dunes." I also chose "dunes" because I wanted to describe a planetary condition not just a local one. The noun "dune" seems to confine the conditions described as being geographically isolated. Glad you enjoyed the poem. Thanks for the feedback. God Bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (11-08-2002 03:07 PM).] |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Awwwwwwww, this is soooooo beautifully "enthralling", sweet friend, I love it, I saw the emerald dunes and the smiling sun and everything, this shines as bright as stained glass reflecting the love of your heart, yay, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Radrook, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Contabo Member
since 2001-11-21
Posts 159 |
Reminds me of the beach where Jodie Foster meets her father in "Contact". Of course they didn't make love!!! Contabo |
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