Drinking and Driving - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

palmerj
Junior Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 30
Coxsackie, NY

0 posted 2002-11-06 10:57 PM

This was supposed to be a cause and effect essay for my english class but my professor likes creativity and I thought a poem would give the subject more emotion so here is what I have so far. This isn't finished by any means and I'm still not that happy with it just wanting to know what you all thought so far.

Waiting for the call
He hoped would never come.
Waiting for the news
It sounded like a drum.

The phone's ring echoed
Tired legs began to rise.
He wasn't prepared for this,
Not news of this size.

The voice was dull,
But it told a bitter tale.
Jon's friend Mike,
His heart had failed.

Mike on his way home
From a party very late.
Must have just finished
Dropping off his date.

Mike lay dead in his car
Down in the lifeless ravine.
If only every other kid
Could have witnessed the scene.

Drinking and Driving
Is foolish at best.
Is life really that bad
To give such a test?

Im not really happy with the last stanza I think it needs some work. O well I have some time this week to work on it so I'm sure it will go smoothly.

[This message has been edited by palmerj (11-06-2002 11:30 PM).]

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

1 posted 2002-11-06 11:02 PM

(big hugggssssssss) Oh Jay, this is a tragic thing that is ever so common in life and you reflect on these crises so very well here! (sad sigh) My heart goes out to all the drunk-driving victims and I hope you haven't had to experience any close incidents, sweet friend, I think this poem is right on the point and will make your teacher proud, so GO FOR IT!!! (cheers you on) God Bless You, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jay, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

DawnG

Senior Member

since 2000-06-23

Posts 1494
United States

2 posted 2002-11-06 11:05 PM

Jay,

This is a very good poem. I do agree though that the last stanza is not as strong as the previous stanzas had been. Good luck on getting it just the way you want it.

I'm anxious to see the changes. By the way, I'd like to offer you a belated welcome to Passions.

Dawn

palmerj
Junior Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 30
Coxsackie, NY

3 posted 2002-11-06 11:28 PM

Thanks for the welcome! I will be here for quite a long time it seems. Ive been looking for a good poetry forum and it looks like I hit the nail on the head with this one. Thanks for the praise and I will post a new copy when I feel it is top notch in my eyes

Thanks again

Jay

P.S. sorry for the bright pink I thought I had selected black =/

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

4 posted 2002-11-07 06:17 AM

Jay, welcome to Passions. I agree that the last stanza could be modified making it more powerful but the poem itself speaks well of a subject that many never seem to learn the lessons from. Well done.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 2002-11-07 06:46 AM

Yours:

Drinking and Driving
Is foolish at best.
Is life really that bad
To give such a test?

Suggestion:

Drinking and driving,
not passing the test...
now no chance to give
a life its best...

~*~

Let us know how you do on this! Thank you for sharing...

[This message has been edited by Sunshine (11-07-2002 06:47 AM).]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.