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Open Poetry #23
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My Life ( Please read this )
| Open Poetry #23 |
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My Life ( Please read this ) |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
When you read this, and when you comment, i want you to tell me the truth of what you think! Thank you. All my life I never had no one. I didn't have someone, I could call hun. Everyday I'm here I sit here waiting. Waiting for someone, I won't be hating, People I know Say I'm hot. But I think, That they're on pot. I have no girl. I wish I did. I started thinking. I shouldn't have hid From my feelings. My whole life Ive had something. I had everything but, I really have nothing. I have nothing, I haven't a wife. And I really wish, I had a life. This is my life. You don't want it. It almost like, A bottomless pit. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Chris DeVore - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
The rhyme was delightful and it made me smile.  |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
It sounds to me like you are lonely, but at the same time, it sounds like you are ready for love. She'll find you.... |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Chris, first...the nice thing about this poem is that it expresses your feelings very well.... That is a very good trait. Don't stop doing that... Secondly, a life....surely you are approaching this somewhat narrow minded....You have a life, a life of freedom to express your thoughts, to be who you want to be... Love will come to you only if you allow it and be patient...Love does not necessarily come storming through a door...Just be yourself, not who you think anyone wants you to be...and, in time...love will come. Welcome to Passions, and thank you very much for your thoughts of my poetry... |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Magnus, You are very welcome my friend, I always love to complement people on their poetry. And thank all you other poeple who comented on my poem... Im glad you liked it.. considering i made it like 20 minutes ago. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I see you are trying to express a lot of internal feelings in this Connell and that is great, and it came across well. The key to getting better is keep writing, and reading. If you want some help or constructive advise you have quite a few of the best here on this site who rhyme. I dont think some of the poets would mind hearing from you if you wanted help on poetry. Try Balladeer, Kit, Nan (she hold the poetry workshops) to name only a few, and I am sure any one of these could tell you what you really want to hear if you wish to get better. They told me (however sometimes I don't think a lot of it sunk in)  Enjoyed. |
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paladin
since 2001-08-05
Posts 930Pensacola,Fl. |
Wellcome to passions.Ah! but you do have someone.You have yourself.Once you have made friends with yourself you will have a true soul mate.I have found the comments ot my posts to be the best therapy money can buy.Their are so many wish and careing people here.Looking forward to more of your poems. paladin |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Thank you paladan... Has anyone ever tried to keep on a conversation with yourself? It hard as hell,.. I used to do when i was little.. Im gonna try it again.. brb.. lol I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
I echo Paladin here..listen to him... He's my mentor and the one who brought me here to Passions over a year ago. Keep writing your feelings out..it really helps. And love will find you when it's time... Good work here. ~Hugs~ ~I've loved you forever, in lifetimes before.~ |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
I just plain like it. Love is like a hurricane Long time it's out of sight And then suddenly it hits on you You just have to open the door when it's knocking Titia Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Dude... I like the tight structure of construction. Yet...and I am the one who will push...I think you could take your metaphors and similes a step further. I admire your attitude much. Or I swear I would just type "great job" and such--but--and I have no idea if this will work for you,but try this: sometimes I write in opposite ideas... I will think the thought in the cliche' and then write the opposite. (SOMETIMES.) The personal challenge is to make it work. I like the way you dive right in, I can see you worked on the flow of this, and I enjoyed it immensely. I think you are a spark about to fire, m'self. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I tend to tell truth...gently. First, you don't need to ask people to read your poetry. We'll get there...so focus on titles that will draw us in. "My Life" stands alone. You're new to us. We want to get to know you. Next...where do you want your poetry to take you? Do you want to write just to please yourself? Get a point across? Make someone else feel? Define what it is you want to do with your writing, and then do it. Now, this poem tells me that the person who is the subject of the poem doesn't think too much of himself. Perhaps he thinks life doesn't have much to offer. So there are questions here, but they are not really asked. More like a statement. Finally, your signature line. I like what that says. It is only missing one thing. The word, "work". Writing just doesn't come. Even if we write, and we accept our writing for what it is, without question, then there is no working on it to improve it. Granted, there are several poets here at Passions that I think have a natural gift. Others of us have to work at it, to develop a style and structure. How much do you want to be a writer? Perhaps time will tell, but so will perseverance. I think you have it within you. What do you think? |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Connel You paint your words like an impressionist, enjoyed the read. |
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Wind
since 2002-10-12
Posts 2981 |
It was indeed a good poem, and the only thing I could think of is that you could try more complex rhymes. But the may you have it makes it sound more personal,and that is what you intended to bring about the subject, so you might as well leave it. (lisen to me, I'm still in grade school and I'm talking like a philosipher) "Sticks and stones will break my bones, |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Sunshine, Your question : How much do you want to be a writer? My Answer : Dude, You have no idea how much i want to become a real poet.. One who can right something that will make you cry within the first line. I will become a great poet, even if it takes the rest of my life. Thank you guys for the help, and for the very nice replies.. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
I liked it! I am just beginning to write again, after a long, long time of not writing.....I have found a lot of help in (listening with my mind), reading the comments to teens poems in that forum.....good critiques there...they tell the 'why' of it...so important....helps to understand the meaning of the critique. I literally write on my E-mail blank page, addressed to myself and type double or triple spaced and print it out and the reason I do that is it has a spell-check built in.. that is my first draft and can work with it. don't have a Word Processor.... In your poem above you 'said' a great deal and you caused me to feel. That is one of the things poetry should do. Most important? write, write, write! and read, read, read...others like Sy and Magnus and Balladeer and the list goes on and on... and study their work how many lines are in their poems, etc and figure out why...and,go with your gut feeling.... about style, etc.... it'll come to you and so will she in poem above, when you are ready...usually it happens when you let go and stop hoping and get on with making a life, and finally believe what people say to you, if you are hot, then you are hot....they don't have to be smoking to say that! Believe in yourself! Much luck to you in your poetry writing adventure. I know you are going to do well. Hugs, and warm regards, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Thank you all for helping me... I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggssssssss) Oh Chris, I know exactly how you feel, for when I was a little boy I used to be how you feel now. I was abused by boys my own age, thrown against chain-link fences, bleeding and I begged my dad for help but he said "Be a man and do it yourself!" It was then I felt no one loved me at all and I don't deserve to live. Then I started reading poetry, and came across many wise men and women who deeply inspired me and I felt really did know this feeling. I listened to Counting Crows and felt Adam Duritz's sadness. Then, I learned from Henry David Thoreau, "The bluebird carries the sky on his back!". I realized who I wanted to be; like that graceful bluebird! So...let your spirit soar, show the world your sky rather than your clouds, then many will admire you and wish to be your friends like we all are blessed to be your friend, then before you know it, you will have your girl, and I know it because I used to believe love is not for me, but now I feel it! (sigh) God Bless You, sweet friend, I send angel hugs your way, know you are loved by us all, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Chris, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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