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Open Poetry #23
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Desperately seeking IMMEDIATE critiques!!
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Desperately seeking IMMEDIATE critiques!! |
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Secret Whisper Member
since 2001-01-25
Posts 298Through the Looking Glass |
Ode to First Blood Twenty-eight days I watched for you But you dallied One day Maybe Two And my nerves became unhinged But by 3:00am I knew you had arrived A ‘gut feeling’ That wrenched me into the fetal position You squeezed me so hard That I was sick all night When the sun burned the tops of trees The bright red stain had trickled To the soft flesh of my thigh The first sign I was empty I was mesmerized by Your crimson fingers That left prints on the blue flowers of my Cotton panties The first sign That I was not broken These ovaries ejaculate their seed right on time And I mop it up With bleached cotton Four sisters Half barren I am the first of the fruitful –or fruit able- Anne and Jennifer are white on their thighs Because you don’t caress them With your wet warmth But Emmy found you hiding Between her legs For the first time this summer Like a rose bud Peeking out of multi-foliate leaves She is the second fruitful But perhaps not forever Because you frequented the two eldest For years Before the doctors Mopped you up With shots and hormones Three billion daughters Wombs waiting To embrace you Warm, dark, enveloping Deep within A guest house Until that same seed That you ushered out Usurps you And you are held aloft For months Until after pangs And screams A fresh bud is wiped clean Three billion and one Fresh white thighs You will know In twelve Thirteen years But while her mother holds her You are mopped up With fertile tears Of a daughter To a daughter "See, no one loves..." - Prayers for Rain |
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| © Copyright 2002 Alice Lynn Wagner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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~K Member
since 2002-10-19
Posts 104 |
It seems a little confusing to me...(I generally approve of that but I felt like I was missing something essential you were trying to say!)((But it Is late)) It had a nice rhythm though & I liked most of your imagery...(albeit somewhat brutal!) Sorry I am so brain dead!!!! I get it now...!!!! It was the sister talk that threw me! [This message has been edited by ~K (10-30-2002 02:15 AM).] |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Nothing to criticize. It's a terrific piece. ~wranx |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
You want critique? Without punctuation, we must use the line breaks as substitutes, You might want to add the punctuation anyway to make a smoother presentation. Twenty-eight days I watched for you But you dallied One day Maybe Two And my nerves became unhinged But by 3:00am I knew you had arrived If you are going to spell out numbers, spell them all out, Consistency. No real rhyme pattern here, might combine the fourth and fifth lines One day, maybe two, then you have the beginnings of a pattern if that is what you want. The comma will give the same effect as a line break for the readers sake. These ovaries ejaculate their seed right on time Like the mixed metaphor of this. But by this point in the ‘poem’ it’s obvious that it’s more of a rant. No meter, no rhyme pattern other than what happens in the course regular speech. There are quite a few nice images, But that isn’t all of what poetry is about, prose does the same thing, The presentation of poetry adds to the impact. Sometime the presentation is the entire poem, but mostly it’s an aid to the message. I would suggest, closer attention to some meter, any meter, Adding a rhyme to help tie it together, even if every third line or so, And punctuation to polish it afterwards. Gloom |
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