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Teen Poetry #6
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Everyone But You
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Everyone But You |
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HopelessRomanticGuy Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495LI, New York 
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I'd wanted you forever And it seemed that everyone knew I tried to hide it forever Yet they all saw right through As if my heart were a pane of glass They saw right to my feelings for you Since it was my best they saw right past I always thought you could see too It never crossed my mind... That you might not I figured you'd have to be blind To miss feelings for you I wrought It all came crashing down That fateful day As my time to see you came around So happy he'd looked your way You tried so hard To hide that from me Yet even with your guard up I could always see My eyes now burned and itched Having forgotten how to cry long ago My heart from the last time newly stitched Torn asunder, as if to that it were prone Yet hiding the pain was all I could do Hiding the pain and smiling wide I tried to really feel happy for you But all I could do was cry inside I'd tried to hide it from everyone But in the end they all knew My soul was bared to everyone Everyone but you......... |
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| © Copyright 2002 Richard H. Dikeman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Smoothy Member
since 2002-12-02
Posts 119The dark side of the moon |
Very good. I can only wonder who this is about. Really good piece though. |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I'd wanted you forever {If you read this aloud, there is a good chance you will notice that the d sound of I'd and d sound of wanted make this a very hard sounding line. Also I think you could start the poem off much stronger.} And it seemed that everyone knew {In poems, it tends to be better to have images. You are doing nothing but telling me things. It is easier for a reader to grasp images.} I tried to hide it forever {Forever? Have you been around forever? That's a problem because forever is an almost abstract time period to through to someone. You can never really grasp forever.} Yet they all saw right through {'Saw right through' has been used numerous times in numerous poems, pieces of prose and well television shows and movies. Come up with a new way of saying things. Make it your own.} As if my heart were a pane of glass {Okay, an image. I think your connecting of the glass image to how it relates is weak. Why not make an extended metaphor out of it?} They saw right to my feelings for you {Once again you are telling me a lot, but showing me nothing at all.} Since it was my best they saw right past {See this line is long and wordy.} I always thought you could see too {Punctuation would make this easier to steer through, but I'm tired of fighting that battle.} It never crossed my mind... {And alas, we come to the ellipsis. Ellipsis are used to allude to something not said. So if you read this, these are used incorectly.} That you might not I figured you'd have to be blind To miss feelings for you I wrought {You are visibly using a word that doesn't fit in the language of the rest of the poem simply for the sake of the rhyme scheme.} It all came crashing down That fateful day {In rhyming poetry, especially with this rhyme scheme (abcb) you need to have a syllable count. Because otherwise you have lines like this one that have significantly less syllables and it throws off the rhyme scheme and the reading of it.} As my time to see you came around So happy he'd looked your way {There are still no images to hold onto.} You tried so hard To hide that from me Yet even with your guard up I could always see My eyes now burned and itched {Itched? I think you can use much stronger words here, make this an image that the reader can appreciate.} Having forgotten how to cry long ago My heart from the last time newly stitched Torn asunder, as if to that it were prone {Now to a common mistake in rhyming poetry. You have inverted the natural order of the second half of this line to make it fit the rhyme scheme. It in essence works, you have maintained your scheme. But when read aloud it sounds akward and forced. Avoid inverting at all costs!  }Yet hiding the pain was all I could do {See above.} Hiding the pain and smiling wide {Smiling wide? This is a very weak image.} I tried to really feel happy for you {Really is an unneed word here.} But all I could do was cry inside {Why not use a metaphor to describe this?} I'd tried to hide it from everyone But in the end they all knew My soul was bared to everyone Everyone but you......... {The ............. at the end is very much unneeded.} Casey |
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moonguardian2004 Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 64MA, USA |
that was a very moving poem. i think it is great that a guy can exspress his emotions like you can. it sounds like this girl would have been very lucky to have you! Meredith |
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TopGunLauren Senior Member
since 2000-08-02
Posts 718California |
Awsome piece I can really relate to it which is cool. Keep up the great work I can't wait to read more. Lauren |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
Wow, that was just, w o w. I love that poem, I can really relate to it. As to your reply to Held Inside, yes poetry is my release, I think if I couldn't write to express myself(cause I don't do it well otherwise)I would just go crazy. Probly more info than you wanted eh? I love you all! Your all so wonderful! Always keep writing! WinterWren |
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