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Teen Poetry #6

Without You

michaels_gurl
New Member

since 2002-11-25

Posts 6

0 posted 2002-11-25 04:12 PM

My love as deep as the ocean.
It drowns those who interfere with it.
The waves extend for hours on end,
As rocky as my love for you.
My tears are the rain drops that fall upon the floor,
From my face above.
You, never knowing what makes them appear.
My heart and sould given for you, about you,
Was shattered and dispaired.
For now my life is a meaningless nothing,
For you, my love and dying devotion, aren't there.

snoduck
Member

since 2002-11-15

Posts 99
Selah, WA

1 posted 2002-11-25 08:42 PM

you really had something to say, and you said it very nicely. welcome to passions!

-Erica-

k2tomtom21k
New Member

since 2002-11-18

Posts 9

2 posted 2002-11-25 09:40 PM

i was lost in this poem. I can tell the meaning was there, and for that, i applaud.

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

3 posted 2002-11-25 10:05 PM

Watch out for cliches.

Casey

Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

4 posted 2002-11-25 10:51 PM

I really enjoyed this...the meaning was powerful and the imagery was very fluent and consistent. There was one part that kind of messed up my rhythm though:

You, never knowing what makes them appear.
My heart and sould given for you, about you,
Was shattered and dispaired.

I think it could have done without "about you". Just I think itmy opinion though... THanx for the read!!

Jester

I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal?

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