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Teen Poetry #6

Paradise

Trouble Breathing
Member

since 2002-11-12

Posts 63

0 posted 2002-11-16 11:57 PM

Take me away with you,
To a place where I can think,
Anywhere away from here,
To a place with water pure as day
So I can wash my fears away
And wish upon a falling star
That someone would take me far away,
From this place I once called home

So what do you all think? Should I leave it as is, or add more to it?

boy and his spirit
Junior Member

since 2002-08-26

Posts 41
within my heart

1 posted 2002-11-17 12:33 PM

i'll take you on a magic carpet ride!!!
it will be awesome.
it is a beautiful, well-thought out poem.

snoduck
Member

since 2002-11-15

Posts 99
Selah, WA

2 posted 2002-11-17 05:07 PM

that's a really beautiful poem. i mean its short but it says a lot. very nice read. thanks.

-Erica-

wvplayernotreally
Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 215
yakima wa

3 posted 2002-11-17 05:18 PM

I would love to hear more of this poem. It speaks volumes. add more...what else is in this paradise? its good

" I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking."

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

4 posted 2002-11-17 06:58 PM

I agree with player... this is a very good poem, but the length could be longer. I like to read a lot!

Good writing, though. I liked the imagery and the emotions were very strong.

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

Trouble Breathing
Member

since 2002-11-12

Posts 63

5 posted 2002-11-17 08:11 PM

Okay, here is my revised version

Take me away with you,
To a place where I can think,
Anywhere away from here,
To a place with water pure as day
So I can wash my fears away
And wish upon a falling star
That someone would take me far away,
From this place I once called home
The skies are glowing the glow of a million stars
Illuminated under the yellow moon,
And the air I breathe is crystal clear
And I’m here,
Living each day with out a care in the world

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you...

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