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| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Lies |
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palmerj Junior Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 30Coxsackie, NY |
Ok I'll try this again. My last poem got deleted for having a suicidal undertone this one was not written with one nor should it be perceived to have one. Let me know what you think. Everyday poses a new challenge, a challenge of survival. Its too hard in this place to just be happy, whether it be with yourself, your actions, or life in general. Its even harder to strive for something greater. Lies shroud every truth I once thought I could believe. What happened to Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny? When can I go back living the innocent lives children do? Why can't I just enjoy life to its fullest extent and not have to worry about money, relationships, or family? Every time things seem like they are taking a turn for the better, a new lie unmasks itself. The happiness that we enjoy oh so briefly is just the calm before the storm. Its a cycle, one that can be compared to a carousel. The music so uplifting and happy is just a lie, a lie that children will grow up believing. I want off this ride. That is all hopefully I can get the other one back on here because I think that it is better than this one [This message has been edited by palmerj (11-06-2002 09:41 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jay Palmer - All Rights Reserved | |||
Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Ok, I have a little question. Ya know, this poem might be more effective ( that might be the word I am lookin for I dunno ) if you broke the lines in a more poetic form. You know what I'm talking about. I dunno just a thought. People might read it differently. Just a suggestion. Good write though. This has a lot of questions in it, and I think that might add something, maybe with a rhetorical ( sp? ) question. Anyways, babbling on.... Peanut ( nickname don't ask ) ~*Pain strikes my heart, water drips down my face, I now stand in front of you, full of shame and disgrace*~ |
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palmerj Junior Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 30Coxsackie, NY |
I try hard to write in "standard" poetic form but it just never comes out the way I like it too. Too me I guess I just think I always lose something when I try to switch it over that way. I have tried though cause "standard" poems I do think flow nicer. Thanks for the comment Jay |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
this seems to be bordering more on prose, not poetry. /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Do what works for you. I do see this as more of a mini-expression type of thing, but it's no less than a poem. And if it's a poem to you, that's what it is so..don't mess with that. I liked it.  ~Carly "My own eyes are not enough for me; I will see through a thousand and yet remain myself..." |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Carly, that's precious.  palmerj, I think what Riley was saying was nothing about the actual way in which you wrote, just the way you formatted it as a paragraph. She's really thinking something like... The dog was walking On the shore And he shall walk Not anymore As opposed to... The dog was walking on the shore, and he shall walk not anymore. Know what I mean? It's simple and easy to do, plus it makes the poem easier to read. However! I do think that this reads through more like prose. I think it's alright to post prose in Teen #6, not sure though... but you might want to note that it's "prose" somewhere in the subject line, just so people know what to expect. Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
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