Cliches Are Not Always Right

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PeaceInEverything
Junior Member

since 2002-10-06

Posts 31
Ohio, United States

0 posted 2002-10-30 12:01 PM

Can't think of an introduction I don't keep erasing so this is my introduction.

Cliches Are Not Always Right
---------------------------

UnLucky in Love
Lucky in Cards
Unlucky in Cards
Lucky in Love

What if you are unlucky in both?
What positive thing can you look at?
Where can you turn for relief from the other?
Where is the silver lining of luck?

If you find one please tell it to me.
For I have looked and only found this.
This will do for now, but now is nearly gone.
Maybe now is over and the silver is gone.

What will be my next silver paint?

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

1 posted 2002-10-30 02:56 AM

Hello Chris.

Ok, your two lines in the initial stanza start off well. The cliché is evident and you're doing well to display how crappy they actually are. However, when the next two lines come up you simply revert to the statement you're trying to declare as false. You'd be better off mixing two other cliché's in there rather than swapping the first two around.

Having rhetorical questions work well - if you can space them out accordingly. You haven't done so here and instead have jumbled up the second and third stanza. Don't get me wrong, there are some great ideas in here but perhaps with an adequate lead up to the question itself, it might ground it a tad more and not make it look quite as flighty.

The double gone in the third stanza annoyed me. Find another word to end the line on as it, in my opinion, takes away from the message entirely.

I *love* the last line. It stands with the whole idea well. See, Chris, you do have a pretty good idea for this piece. The title is pretty strong and works but your smoothness in actually writing it needs a bit of a look over. Perhaps a revision would help? Either way, it's a good attempt and I commend your efforts.

Thanks for posting.

~AF~

Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity!

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-30 01:20 PM

Cliches are not always right... heh, I like that. It's kind of cynical of you to make it seem as though cliches are normally regarded as essential and rarely considered bad things, by directly contradicting this notion.

The only thing I agree with AF on is the double-gone. Other than that, I think the poem is rather complete.

Well done.

Parasite

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-11-04 10:42 AM

I liked this one. Obviously cliche's are not always right, but that's just a generalization to describe something

Anyhow, I did like the poem. I thought you wrote it well.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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